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susi's journey through the valley of death

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Susanne
 
Joined in 2007
February 14, 2007, 14:15

I am still on my journey, however am finding more peace and joy. more of His presence. more hope for a future…

My daughters (have 2, one 19 in college and one 15 in high school). I had them in my life of denying my sexuality way back, when gay meant hell or blindness (lol).

I was sooo happy in my life with Joanne, and when we “split” because i fell under the lies of the church (yet again! some one, needed to hit me with a 2×4!!!!) my daughters’ hearts broke as they thought of her (much to my surprise, as they never said) as their “other mother”. Now they are excited about the slight possibility of having their “other mother” again. I am still waiting for her to “come back”.

God has made it perfectly clear, that I am to honor the marriage that he divinely gave us, and blessed us in, so for now, i am waiting patiently, and have to regain trust, as well as tear her away from the world she is now in. please pray. it is so painful.

magsdee
Disabled
Joined in 2006
February 14, 2007, 14:22

I will be praying indeed Susanne and agreeing with u in prayer for restoration. For some reason the PM messages being sent go off slower than the new posts. I did send u a short Pm, its still in my outbox roll . So glad to hear that things are on the up and your relationship with Jesus is closer and closer. Its bizarre but when we do go thru the dark times and we feel a little alone, it is actually then that He is the closest to us, even closer than our breath the scripture says, why dont we feel it? because of the fact that he is just that close, we dont always feel our own breath, yet we know we breathe.

Your Girls sound really sweet, what blessings they must be. D

Susanne
 
Joined in 2007
February 15, 2007, 15:57

I heard from one of the members of the church today that “kicked me out”. She said they all love and miss me. She said that she has some tape from a guy who claims to be ex-gay, and that in it he says how it can be defeated if I want to listen to it. I told her that what i am seeing is that it is just a guise to hide from it, the world, and that it never really “goes away”. it is those that scare me….if he is really gay, he is just “hiding”, or he never really was to begin with…i told her i dont know why God made gay people, but that he did and does, and we may never have all the answers. She said the church is praying that i not be led to evil…so sad really…so much hate. so much anger…so much misunderstanding.

I refuse to doubt.

God loves me and i know it, just as i am, where i am, and blessing me in it.

I am still struggling to restore my fallen marriage, and it is very painful. I took her out to dinner tonight, and it was good. I love her and she loves me, however she is so pained from the experience, that forgiveness seems miles away. She says things like, how do you know? nothing is forever. and other unencouraging things, besides becomming enmeshed in another gals life. I pray. I really believe God wants to restore this, however there is so many broken bridges…Please pray that his will be done, and hearts soften, and heal, so that the living part of life can go on.

sus

magsdee
Disabled
Joined in 2006
February 15, 2007, 19:50

One positive thing Susanne that came out of your last church is that at least they made contact with you. I know the response was that they beieve that you “can” change, but maybe they will realise one day,as you pointed out, that for some it is possible only because they were Gay for other reasons and not due to orientation, whereas for you and many others it is not possible because it IS a birth orientation.


So glad that you and your wife had a great dinner, it sounds like shes just uncertain about committing again because “maybe” what if this happens again, and I am only going by her response to you that ” nothing lasts forever”, if she loves you which she said she does, its already a positive, as you say only time will heal and show her that its not something that will happen again. I think the other girl may just be a “just in case” (just dont tell her that wink ) for the time being and being wanted, although u want her, its still a fall-out of the initial rejection. Just keep praying and being you and keep the pressure off as I am sure you are. I have been praying too.

Susanne
 
Joined in 2007
February 16, 2007, 01:57

i just want to thank you for the kind and encouraging words this morning,.

I am really feeling anxious, nervous and doubt filled this morning. I cant seem to shake the agitation. but what you said confirmed some of my thoughts, and gave me a glimmer of hope. I know i need to be patient, yet am in such a balance today. I needed a friend. I have prayed, and some relief, but am overwhelmed by the emotions of the day. I am going to write down your words of encouragement and read them often today. thanks.

sus

frogger
 
Joined in 2005
February 17, 2007, 00:52

i see you have been asking for a friend. Isn’t it funny when we get an answer to prayer and its not what we expect. Instead of getting a friend, you have been given a community of likeminded people, who accept you just as you are. You can say whatever you like (within reason obviously) and know we will help you in whatever way we can.

We are not physically present, but emotionally and spiritually we are there with you and so is God….. i know its cheesy but think of the footprints in the sand… cheers dude

jannah

Susanne
 
Joined in 2007
February 19, 2007, 11:23

today i am trying so hard to find any scrap of something to be thankful for, however have sunk to depression and despair yet again. nothing seems to help. i pray. got prayer. i am seeing a therapist on tuesday but have to drive almost 4 hours to get there. she is a christian lesbian, and the closest one the 2 pastors who sought to find one could find. i have no insurance so it is going to hurt the finances as well as i have not found nor been able to do more than part time work at this time. i so want this cloud of pain and despair to leave me. i am praying for a “partner” (not necessarily a life, or committment, but knowing we dont have to walk some of these paths alone…)to walk along side this task the Lord has asked me to do, however have none. Locally, we are starting a support group for the homosexual community, brought on by my story to the two pastors who have been tossing around the idea for a couple of years, and after seeing me, found a real desperate need. i became the jumper cables to start it i guess. the 2 churches are united methodist and elca lutheran. there are still walls in the larger church within those churches, but the closest totally gay church is an hour away, only at max 30 members, and meets sunday evening at the same time as my job. somehow i would like to connect there. for now tho, the thought of meeting new people causes panic and anxiety in me so intense, i hate being around crowds. i hate this place. i have no family locally, and only 1 true friend, others i tend to have serious trust issues with, and have a hard time reaching out. i am thankful for this place, and to go round and read others stories, and have you respond to mine. i wish it were closer. i wish i could climb out of this pit. i hate it. i want to be on the other side now. moving on. but, here i am. feeling so alone. so afraid. i am getting some comfort just in typing now, but i sure wish and pray for relief.

magsdee
Disabled
Joined in 2006
February 19, 2007, 11:32

What a place to be in Susanne, be assured it wont be long and things will get better, sometimes it can just be too overwhelming i know. I know the Lord will provide someone to walk along side you to ease things a little for you. Whatever you can get to I encourage you to keep at it. Its great that at least there is someone u can see, but 4hrs?? far out……is it possible to talk by phone with her sometimes? see who else she can possibly recommend thats closer.(im sure u already thought of that wink ) Its great news that at least you started the ball rolling for some support group to start, something positive HAS already come out of your wilderness. Thats a great thing!!!!! Hang in their luv, you will be fine and in the mean time i know it sux as it does but usually we never see how great guns we are actually doing, so i will say that you ARE doing well, no one is ever up on an even keel with their joy, the slumps will come but so does the sun. Keep going u r still in our prayers )

frogger
 
Joined in 2005
February 19, 2007, 14:38

wow susi it feel as though your grief is overwhelming you. Dont stop allowing yourself this grief. I am thinking of you often. The Jesus i know loves you and grieves with you…. carries you and gives you others to carry you. Be patient, God will give you people to walk with and help to carry you…

I am here in spirit, not physicality to carry you and be a friend…


God i just ask for peace in the knowledge of you, and peace in the knowlege of the future as a positive thing. I pray for Susi’s daughters that they see, understand and respect their mums grief. I pray for Susi’s ex that she would see this grief, respect and understand this grief.


God bring peace, overwhelming peace over every person n this situation. I ask that you speed up the process of outcome in this situation. Give Susi a knowledge of your hand in all things… in Jesus name Amen

magsdee
Disabled
Joined in 2006
February 19, 2007, 18:10

I agree with U in that prayer too Frogger ……Amen!!!!!!!!
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