Hi. My name is Susi. I am a 44 year old Christian Lesbian who is loved by God. Amen. I have just walked out of a dark time (hell) from an evangelical/charismatic church that tried to “change” me. I had prior to that been in a 9 year loving lesbian relationship, with God, however I was misled to believe the “world” instead of God and my then life partner. I thought I heard God ask me to leave my relationship, when in actuality He was asking me to be in relationship with Him, (probably wanting me to leave this church then?) to trust him, love him, know him…but the church told me differently. Needless to say, I lost my job, my home, my relationship, basically my life ( almost committed suicide when He divinely rescued me). My former wife has begun a nearly 2 month relationship now and I could just die at the loss. The church kicked me out (“we release you with our blessing”…glorified candy coated dog crap in my book) Ive lost all my friends, and am pretty alone with just Him. I repented of all my doubts, the confusion, trusting people, and not believing Him, and in a moment I was totally released! His peace, joy and Spirit fully in me, on me and through me! Thank you Jesus! I have little direction, and the feelings of lonliness creep in daily. My ex has let me move back into our home into our daughters room who is away at college, however the increasing pain of hearing her on the phone with her new girlfriend very painful. We have the house for sale, and I keep hearing Him tell me to honor and respect her, Yet the pain so great I can hardly bear it. The story is of course much longer and filled with an incredible journey…I am seeking help, guidance and support.

Here’s a link Susi that can help you find a support group and gay church hopefully close by to your home

http://www.gaychurch.org

They have a list of churches on the site, plus various other helpful information.

Bless you D

first I want to thank you both for your replys, and the speed in which they came. I was in a place of desperate need, and you were there. I have found 2 local pastors who are affirming and counseling with me. I went to their churchs’, but will miss the upbeat contemporary music and hearing the word spoken without all the liturgical mumbo jumbo I had become accostomed to. I will not however miss the judgement and condemnation I felt. I do feel alone as this is a real small town I live, and have lost all my friends either through my walk in darkness of thinking I could only be “saved” if I was “changed”, or now after finding I was saved all along amd that I am loved for who I am. I feel so alone. The deepest pain tho is the rejection from the one person for whom I know was my one, my true, my life mate. She leaves tomorrow to go see her new girlfriend. The pain so great. The sorrow so deep. I never stopped loving her, and am having such a hard time letting go. I know I keep hearing I need to give it to God, and I keep asking Him to help me to give it to Him, and for a few moments there is peace…then the pain sets in again at the loss. I cannot even believe this is happening after all that has happened. Its not like I want to jump right back into the relationship, just be given the chance, and I keep telling her so, but she is throwing it all away…ugh. I wish I could say life does not suck, and deep inside I know it does not, but right now, this SUCKS. I am too flippen old for this crap, yet know He has his hand in it, leading, guiding and it will be good on the other side.

I think i am tired. I am feeling real funky, like I am here but not really. This whole thing seems so surreal. thanks again for your reply. I do journal, I read scripture, and try to surround myself with good people, but have few freinds right now. I desire my strenght. I hate the feelings of anger and bitterness that are creepig in. I am afraid of saying, doing something stupid I will later regret. must sleep….

I did sleep well, and hard. I fell asleep reading and woke at 4am to the light still on and the book still open next to me, so I know I slept without even moving. Joanne got up at 4:30, to get ready to go running, and I happened to catch a glimpse of her walking round bottomless. She is soooooo beautiful. I really fought hard to get it out of my mind, and started praying…I fell back to sleep until 6am. I feel i have some peace today, tho my stomach is in knots. I prayed prayers of helping me to let her go and give her to you. That is my peace. The knots are in knowing I will see her yet this morning, that she is leaveing to go to the arms of another, and I will be alone to fight the feelings, thoughts, and assumptions, calling on Him already 4 times already this morning in just 1 1/2 hours. ugh. This could well be the longest weekend of my life, and possibly the most life altering. I had a vision the other day of 10 clouds black and full pass over me while praying how many more days must I endure this pain? That would be the 16th. must go…horses need hay, guess she forgot and I have a daughter to get to school.

God bless

Sus