Hey Wayne………I share the pain and trauma of your experience. We do welcome you to your forum and so glad you felt comfortable to tell us your story. I’m not if you are aware of mine…….it is available on amazon.com now i think…….it might help.
I often help people in your situation so let me know if I can be of further help. Below is a recent email and responce that might be of help also. Hope to hear more from you. We have a few other Canadians here. Will be thinking of you buddy as you make these important life decisions for you and those around you.
Andrew posted this message on a yahoo support group. http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ozmarriedgays/message/889
Iād previously emailed and spoken to Andrew about his situation but thought it might be helpful to others in the group to share my thoughts.
Hi Folks,
I’m in the process of perhaps leaving the family home (wife, three children) and coming to terms with my sexuality. I have fallen in love with another man, something I never expected to happen as I had
never had an emotional connection with a man before even though I have been having homosexual encounters all my life.
I keep freezing and wondering if i can save my marriage, stop feeling gay and wanting to express myself sexually – but am so in love with this guy that I cannot stop talking to him and seeing him
when we are both in the same state. He intends to move to Sydney to be with me.
I am continually cycling back and forth, realising that my marriage is almost beyond repair – my wife knows whatās happening and unless I can promise faithfulness and stop contacting the other guy its over.
Have other people been in this situation ? Is it easy to accept your homosexuality and reconcile your faith without continually feeling guilty or a failure or that you’ve made the wrong chioce ?
Will I move out and suddenly feel that I’m heading in the right direction – or will I regret this and try to regain my marriage – will this be possible with my sexual orientation ?
How will my kids react ? Have people been able to have a gay relationship and keep this from their kids until they are old enough to understand ?
Your experiences will be helpful to me cos I’ve never done this before and am quite confronted and scared. I realise their are consequences to my actions and I cannot keep living two lives. The clock is ticking and I am not in control – the people around me are expecting action and I seem paralyzed.
HELP please !
Andrew
Hi Andrew
Your email has brought back to me the heart wrenching time I had grappling with the same questions. I went back to that trip I made driving from Brisbane to Toowomba, weeping as I drove while the questions and implications rolled over me like thunderous surf. What will people think? How will my wife cope? Will my kids turn against me or God? Will I go to hell? Will we all be able to survive what could be the most traumatic experience in our lives?…….and ā¦ā¦of course, I will be the one who will cause all their suffering and pain!
At that time, in 1991, there were no support groups ( http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ozmarriedgays and http://www.gamma.org.au/ etc) or the options of mixed orientation marriages or closed loop available as far as I was aware. I was totally alone in the decision making experience because of my fears and sense of shame. The other thing that needs to be acknowledged is that we all have very different experiences as same sex attracted individuals from having a sexual addiction (like myself) or having never acted on the desires during the heterosexual marriage. From my experience, there is everything from one end of the continuum to the other.
You know my whole story so youāll be aware that it has not always been easy but I canāt think of a moment when I actually regretted the decision to be honest with myself, every person in my life and begin for the first time in my life to be authentic. The peace, fulfillment and resolution I have today was way beyond my comprehension back in 1991.
You know from our conversations that I would never advise but you may find what I say here a bit more directive because I know there will be lots of others reading this who are also in a similar situation.
The consequences of you being true to yourself will be wide ranging. How others respond will be their choice and decision. That is what life is about. In life, we either become bitter or better. Our response to what life brings our way determines what we become. I used to preach that and still believe it.
Iām glad I took the courageous step (although I must admit it didnāt feel very courageous at the time, I think it was more a reluctant acceptance of the inevitable). There is only so much time you can live with that internal dissonance without it affecting you and those around you in some way. Mentally, emotionally and even physically. The impact will always be negative in the end.
In hindsight, I think when I decided to leave my wife and family I was actually setting us all free. Free to live openly and honestly. What is the alternative? I knew that in staying I would only be propping up the false reality weād lived in. Anthony Venn-Brown the heterosexual husband/father/preacher with it all together.
When I left, I set my wife free from false hope and denial. (it seems she has been able to move on and find a man who will love her completely and she no longer lives with the stress of suspicion)
When I left, I set my children free from so they could learn to love the real person who was their Dad and not a false identity. (today there are no secrets between us and they love their gay dad)
When I left, I set my friends free to love me unconditionally and without judgement (very few passed that test but the ones I have today give me that)
That is not to say that it was all wonderful immediately or there wasnāt any pain. But with time we worked through most it I think. I know I have. If there are any issues left to resolve, they are other peopleās issues. Iāve been open and honestā¦..at last. What people do with that is their choice? They can go on blaming another for the rest of their lives if they chooseā¦ā¦but they will never serve them.
As for your faith. I thought I walked out on that when I walked out on the family. Surprise surpriseā¦.it popped up again 6 years later, richer and fullerā¦.and more importantly very very real spirituality. Iām glad my false concepts of the Source of the Universe died. I realize now how stupid it was to believe some of the things that I used to believe.
As Iāve said many times in interviews on TV 1. & 2. and radio . Look at the big picture. Had we been born 50 years earlier we wouldnāt even be coming out. If we were of this younger generation now we most likely would never get married as we would have realized our sexual orientation is natural and normal and wouldnāt have got married to help fix itā¦..or possibly felt it necessary to conform.
So donāt blame yourself. You, I, and 1000ās of others are the products of an uninformed society but one that was evolving. If you need to blame anyone, blame an unenlightened society that used to take aboriginal children from their parents believing it was in the best interests of everyone. An unenlightened society that didnāt allow black people the right to vote or even counted them on the national census because they were considered not quite as human as white people. A society that imprisoned blacks and whites if they married (only 50 years ago interracial marriages were still illegal in many states). A society thatās educational system tied childrenās left hands to their chairs and force them to learn to write with their right hands. A society that said women were the weaker sex and their only role was to look after the home and bear children. And certainly couldnāt be trusted with the awesome responsibility of deciding what political party should be in government. A society that imprisoned two men if they loved each other in the privacy of their own bedrooms (till 1984 in NSW, 1994 TAS)ā¦ā¦.etcā¦ā¦.etcā¦ā¦etc.
These things horrify us todayā¦..and we say āhow could they have ever done such cruel thingsā.
So I guess there is even a bigger thing at stake here. We can either reinforce the old uninformed paradigm or be a catalyst to create a better world for our children. A world where people are not judged because of their race, gender, colour or their sexual orientation. If any of your children were gay or lesbian would you want them to have a heterosexual marriage which is false and possibly doomed to failure or would you want them to marry the person of the same sex they fall in love with and want to spend the rest of their life with.
When you make this decision in situations like ours its rarely very empowering like a young gay or lesbian teenager might experience. Itās more like jumping off a cliff into the darkness. Some are dashed on the rocks belowā¦ā¦ā¦but many of us find wonderful things inside us we never knew existed and learn that we can fly.
Ultimately, we are all responsible for our own journeys. A journey to profound self-love and self-respect, free of the pressures to conform, free of the negatives of the past and to live an empowered life of integrity.
If you show love, respect, honesty and integrity to your wife, children and yourself you will fly. What they do in return determines if they will as well.
Anthony Venn-Brown
Author of ‘A Life of Unlearning – A Journey to Find the Truth’
“When we choose to live authentically, we chip away at others prisons of pretend”
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