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23, M, bisexual questioning, In a pentecostal church

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Placebo
 
Joined in 2008
September 3, 2008, 17:24

Hello all,


First of all I was very reluctant to post in this section… But given the suicidal thoughts that come and go, I figure I have nothing left to lose.


What has prompted me to post, along with getting some burdens of my shoulders, was reading this..

GLBT National Health Conference 2007 – Resolving Faith and Sexuality


I’m at a sort of a crossroads right now, have to make some career decisions as well as sort out my sexuality and all the issues that go along with that process. I will start from the start and give my story up to now.


I was born into a pentecostal church here in brisbane, and attended up until I was 15. I stopped going as I started to have doubts about the authenticity of the whole church scene, combined with me wanting to live life my own way. For four years I lived “away from the Lord”, using drugs and just living a mainstream kinda life. At the age of 19, after coming home from a huge party, which had involved copius amounts of ecstasy and marijuana, I had a paradigm shift which led me to believe that I was gay. Now when I had this realisation, I broke down and wept, At that moment I couldn’t remember a time previously when I had had such deep emotion flowing out of me.


At this stage I abandoned all my previous friends and threw myself into “christianity“, I thought “If I am like this (gay), what is the point of living”. I joined a church in a state of paranoia which happened to be the most gay-bashing movement I have ever heard of! One thing that really made me leave was a situation when some of the young guys (unsuspectingly I assume) made a video on their mobile phone and showed it to a group of us just for fun. The video involved them joking around with a wooden statue like figure, saying “This is the Devil, we are gonna kill him BECAUSE he is a poofter!”, this was followed by them hacking the statue to bits with an axe and laughing!! Now that I go over this again, I can remember why this was such a mortifying experience.


After this stint I left that church and got back into drugs and subsequently fierce mood disorders, and after a particularly nasty incident I decided to join another church. I am at this church currently, which seems to be ok, but still believes that homosexuality is sin.


So the situation is, I am seriously starting to believe that I am bisexual. I have had a girlfriend, and am sexually attracted to girls, but also to guys.


Because every bridge in my past seems to be burned I have to make moves now.. I don’t want to live a life of torment and paranoia, when I could just accept my orientation and live a life of freedom. I don’t want to limit my career opportunites because of the internal conflict within me. I don’t want to hurt some girl and myself by ‘trying’ to be straight. I just don’t want to miss out on life anymore..

Sandy
 
Joined in 2007
September 7, 2008, 16:32

Thanks for posting, I know its tough to do.


Reading articles and conference minutes has helped me too and some of the stuff can be very enlightening and challenging. Life really is a learning process so ‘self-educating’ is invaluble even if it doesn’t all come together straight away.


I hope that F2b helps you to resolve some of your issues and strengthens your relationship with God, the wealth of experience and information here is amazing so make sure you milk us for everything we are worth 😆

Placebo
 
Joined in 2008
September 7, 2008, 17:52

I have been reading heaps of articles around the internet, which have been a huge help..


Something I think I’m coming to realise is that life IS a learning process, that maybe we aren’t supposed to have all the answers all at once, that life is a journey.. a bit of a mystery, an adventure. Still need some answers though..


Something I read just today which really helped me was


http://www.samesame.com.au/support/1804/The-Truth-About-Denial.htm


And the comments attached to it.. (looks like F2b folks wrote on it)


http://www.samesame.com.au/forum/showthread.php?t=1964


I hope too that F2b can help me to resolve some issues. Apart from resolving issues, so far F2b has given me hope!

Just knowing that people are out there who have gone through so similar experiences and difficulties has blown me away.. Its a great feeling to know that I am not the only one on this path.


make sure you milk us for everything we are worth 😆


hahaha, thanks for permission Sandy.. I will milk it like a dairy farmer

Sandy
 
Joined in 2007
September 7, 2008, 18:03

It’s a bit of a gross use of personification isn’t it, to milk someone… hmm, oh well its the thought that counts.


It may be encouraging to note that the hardest part is over, I know you don’t believe me but it is. And pigs fly and money trees exist too 😆


AA says that the hardest part is admitting you have a problem (with alcohol) and Quitline uses the same pyschology too. I think the hardest part of coming to terms with yourself is to realise that the previous ‘construction’ of yourself is inadequate and there is something out there that can and will make you happier, you’ve done that so don’t feel burdened by all the non-answers out there. The ostrich approach is tempting but I have never known it to work.


I have changed by signature with a quote I really like, also to address the spelling miskate in my last one over which I have been teased mercilessly.

Placebo
 
Joined in 2008
September 7, 2008, 19:31

sorry.. ostrich approach? I duno what that means

iplantolive
 
Joined in 2008
September 7, 2008, 22:17

sorry.. ostrich approach? I duno what that means


Hi Placebo, and welcome to our forum 🙂


I think what Sandy means by the ostrich approach is that we can too easily put our heads in the sand (like ostriches supposedly do – I don’t actually know if this is fact or fiction 😕 ) that is, pretending that a problem doesn’t really exist, when in fact it does. I know I have been guilty of this in the past, and I can tell you that ignoring a problem will almost certainly not make it go away 😉 It is only when we acknowledge our needs in a particular area, can we then allow the healing process to begin 8)

Sandy
 
Joined in 2007
September 8, 2008, 11:18

Actually mobile guy, it is a myth and ostrich’s do not put their heads in the sand… that would make it difficult to breathe I imagine… esepically if they had a really big problem to ignore. 😆


When an ostrich senses danger and cannot run away, it flops to the ground and remains still, with its head and neck flat on the ground in front of it. Because the head and neck are lightly colored, they blend in with the color of the soil. From a distance, it just looks like the ostrich has buried its head in the sand, because only the body is visible. Facinating!


Sorry about the assumption that you knew what I was talking about Placebo esepically since it isn’t literally true anyway. It’s just one of those random sayings that morph into common useage after a while.


In terms of how it works in practise I know that its tempting for Christians because they can try and “loose themselves” in chruch or in trying to be a better (straighter) Christian and really its just a convienient form of denial.

magsdee
Disabled
Joined in 2006
September 10, 2008, 13:22

Placebo wrote:

sorry.. ostrich approach? I duno what that means



Mobileguy wrote: I think what Sandy means by the ostrich approach is that we can too easily put our heads in the sand (like ostriches supposedly do – I don’t actually know if this is fact or fiction ) that is, pretending that a problem doesn’t really exist, when in fact it does.


Or it could also mean when things get a bit in your face, throw on lots of Boa’s, fluff yourself up(like an ostrich), scream and do the bolt, veryyyyyy fastttt 😉

Myfanwe
 
Joined in 2007
September 11, 2008, 16:54

😆 magsdee!


Thanks for the mental image! Oh, I needed that!


Blessings,

Placebo
 
Joined in 2008
September 11, 2008, 18:32

Thanks for all the replies, sorry I haven’t been able to post as much as I would like to. I use a family PC and can’t exactly go on the F2b website all the time. Also I stopped getting email notifications about post replies about 4 days ago…


AA says that the hardest part is admitting you have a problem (with alcohol) and Quitline uses the same pyschology too.


pretending that a problem doesn’t really exist, when in fact it does.


I don’t see homosexuality as a problem.. but I know what you guys are trying to say.. maybe there is a better way to explain it? Probably a lot of people don’t want this particular “problem” fixed

🙂


So, I know this is a more spiritual orientated forum, but I feel that my beliefs are not the most important area to resolve at this stage. I spent so long living for a faith in God that I feel happy to put my beliefs on hold for now(sort of relieved)..


A sad fact is that through this process of questioning and consequent searching in religion, I ended up burning many bridges of old friends from churches and elsewhere..

I got so afraid of what was happening in my life at one stage I cut all ties with everyone I knew.. isolated myself.


Now that I have written it down, and can see it in front of me I guess this situation could be a gift.. I get to choose with whom I want to build relationships.. there is less problems with coming out. I don’t have a wife, children or career to worry about.


Thoughts on this would be great 😀 .. but seriously just writing all this down is doing amazing things for me, I’m getting perspective, feeling hints of peace and resolution, feeling a reason to live 🙂 .. still on a bit of an emotional roller coaster day to day (hour to hour 😛 ) but slowly getting somewhere. It can be terrible feeling that you are all alone in your struggles, that there is not one person to talk to.
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