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Coming Out - Why - When - How

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Shantih Shantih Shantih
 
Joined in 2008
March 27, 2008, 22:49

is it a genuine concern that you might be thrown out.


Well, no. I just used it as an example of the balance of power my parents share. Nah, Mum will be fine with it eventually – she ought to be used to the idea of a secular family by now*, so even if she doesn’t accept that one can be gay and Christian she’ll deal with it in the end. Thank you for your concern, though.


I see what you mean about the ‘put yourself in their shoes’ thing, too. I’ve gone over the letter again – haven’t changed anything yet, but I am thinking about what is best to say. 😕


* I mean, she married a non-Christian, and her two daughters have all but forsaken their faith (they make popping sounds in church because they’re bored!).

Dove Snuggler
 
Joined in 2007
March 27, 2008, 22:52

William I congratulate you! The first thing is to be sure you want to do it. Then to be sure you are happy with how you are doing it / that you are saying what you want or need to say. I’m not sure that much more advice is necessary? Then it is just a matter of when you do it.


However, you are right in saying that you don’t mention being gay until the 3rd paragraph. Remember that by half way through the 1st paragraph they’ll start to get anxious that you might have a terminal illness or something and fast forward to the word ‘gay’ anyway. For that reason it may help to get to the point a bit sooner.


I agree with Anthony that it’s very ‘you’. As much as you articulate that: “I cannot once remember coming to either of you to talk about any issue of any consequence”, your parents undoubtedly have their own crystal clear images of a son they have observed since childhood. I hope they will gain a deeper understanding of you from your letter, that you will find the mutual respect and acceptance you deserve and that you will ultimately be able to communicate with your parents about the issues you have raised.


It may take time, so don’t be disheartened if the initial reactions aren’t quite what you expect. If necessary, don’t forget the Gay & Lesbian Counselling Service is available most evenings (see your local phone book). You’ve also got some great support on this site.


Take care.


Kit

magsdee
Disabled
Joined in 2006
March 28, 2008, 08:49

Thats what is uniquely you tho William, you are matter of fact and as has been said, youre parents know you so its all good 😀 (did I just say a blonde thing just then :shock:)


The awkwardness you talk about(in some places) in face to face conversations and sentiments and such will eventually go, my bro has it and hates it when we talk about cute things he did as a lil kid or talk about feelings and such 😆 but we have all been there at some stage, when I get him on his own he opens up more and he feels comfy about it and I make sure that in front of “others” we talk differently so no one knows what a softy he really is, (something he doesnt quite see yet).


William said


By-the-way, Magsdee, I did actually try and take some of the matter-of-factness out of it. Guess I just don’t know how to be tactful, eh? As Anthony said, though, I think my parents will understand my style – I hope.


Popping sounds in church? 😯 😆 😆


I came out to my Dad first many years ago (the first time, I was 19) and because I had his support it made it easier with everyone else, I felt closer to Dad to talk about such things than Mum.

I know you will do what you believe is the best thing to do in the end and how and it will be ok, Im sure you will be praying about it all anyhow.

orfeo
 
Joined in 2007
March 28, 2008, 12:49

I came out to my parents in September last year. Mum’s a Christian (goes to the same church as me) and Dad’s not.


Their initial reactions were quite similar, apart from the quite amusing bit where Mum and I turned on Dad when he told me to just ignore the Bible…


I did it in conversation not a letter, but I had spent a LONG time working out the things I wanted to say. We ended up talking for about an hour, and then it was back to far more mundane topics like the latest video of my nephew and advice for Mum’s next piano lesson.


I’m not going to try and write your letter, other than to say it certainly looks like you’ve covered a lot of the key issues. One thing I will ask though, is whether there is anyone that can ‘debrief’ your parents, particularly your Mum, after this?


I know you’ve mentioned the gaychristian101 site, but I was lucky enough to have an incredibly supportive pastor around who was able to sit down with Mum, talk about some stuff and also give her some reading material. I think it’s helped my Mum a lot.

Shantih Shantih Shantih
 
Joined in 2008
March 28, 2008, 13:39

Popping sounds in church?


With their cheeks. You know, when you put your finger in your mouth (resting on your cheek), close your mouth, and then pull your finger out? That. Amusing 🙂 , but very inappropriate 👿 .


The rambling bit at the start is a concern, but I’m not sure how else to go about it. The first two paragraphs need to be there, I think, to create the effect I want in…preparing…them – explaining why I’m coming out without actually saying that that’s what I’m doing so when it comes to it they have some background information. I hope that’s what it achieves, at least.


If you don’t mind me saying, how on earth did you go back to talking about the weather after coming out, Orfeo? I mean, I expect my parents to be pretty good about this in the end, but I don’t expect that!

Unfortunately, Mum doesn’t really have anyone to talk to apart from her best friend, who is very similar to herself in opinions and beliefs; which may not help either of us.


Anyway, I’m going to Sydney for a week on Sunday, so I’ll take Magsdee’s advice and leave it for a while, then when I come back I’ll go over it again and iron out the kinks.

orfeo
 
Joined in 2007
March 28, 2008, 17:36

If you don’t mind me saying, how on earth did you go back to talking about the weather after coming out, Orfeo? I mean, I expect my parents to be pretty good about this in the end, but I don’t expect that!


Lol!


Um, well… I guess an hour was long enough to say what we all needed to say at that moment. It’s not as if it was just a sudden, sharp transition.


And it wasn’t the end of ALL DISCUSSION either. My Dad brought up something the next day when I was on the phone to him. Mum’s mentioned something once or twice. I’ve mentioned something once or twice.


I didn’t know what to expect. For starters I thought Mum would have already guessed, but she had no idea and Dad did.


Maybe all the prayer beforehand worked, y’know? 😉

Dove Snuggler
 
Joined in 2007
March 28, 2008, 21:49

Yes well


My brother was a classic. I got the ‘all gays are paedophiles’ (WRONG!!!) speech. Then he didn’t mention it for 2 years. Then he proudly mentioned that his daughter marched (ie. danced) in the Mardi Gras parade this year just to support a gay friend. (Of course she’s not gay herself).


All family members react in the context of their own stuff, so there’s no basic script for them to follow. It could be a stumbling jumble or a celebratory endorsement. Take it as it comes.


Kit

magsdee
Disabled
Joined in 2006
March 29, 2008, 09:10

This is funny, when I told my Dad I was a lez, we were driving home from him picking me up from work (I was 19), I said to him “Dad, you know that dance club you take me to? have you noticed theres lots of girls?” he says ” yes” and I said ” well what do you make of that?” he stops to think and says ” well, is it a school girls reunion thingy, a nuns convention perhaps?” with a massive grin and then I laugh and say “well, no dad its a lesbian club and I go there” he replies ” oh because they dance so well” LOL and I say “no, because I am one too” and then about 5mins of silence and I say “ok, what are you thinking?” and he says laughing ” I never thought I would be competing for women with my daughter” 😆 (my parents were divorced by then).


Then through the years he would ask when I’d be over this “lesbian phase” and I would just tell him its not a phase its me.

Then I went back in the closet when I became a Christian and then when I came out yet again, I told everyone that there was no hiding anymore but this time it was easier. They love my g/friend too. 😀

Desperate4Truth
 
Joined in 2008
April 1, 2008, 03:08

WOW!!! That was an awsome letter Willaim!! I agree with everyone esle, its “very you!” 😆 😆 I cant tell you how lucky you are to be taking these steps so early on in your life. You have no idea how much emotional turmoil you are saving yourself by being so honest right now. That is one thing I wish I would have been able to do when I was your age. (omg. That last sentence just made me sound old.) LOL! 😆


My only advice to you would be this. When you do make your decision to “come out” dont go “back in”. Stay true to yourself, accept your sexuality out in the open for you first, then your family and friends. Celebrate your life as a gay man. There is nothing to be ashamed of. I wouldnt change anything in your letter. Just dont look back when you do come out to your parents and friends. Accept it, embrace it, never be ashamed of who you truly are! 😀


Im proud of you William!

John

Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
April 1, 2008, 07:41

good point John……it happens doesn’t it. I came out at 21 then back in the closet and got married. came out again at 40. went back in the closet for 12 months trying to sort out my marriage.


Then I BUSTED those dam doors off their hinges……hehe.
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