hows things been william with the family since you came out….when you have time…give us an update

first step in acceptance of sexual orientation for us…….and often those close to us we divulge to, is denial. Sounds like they could be in stage one.

Denial doesn’t sound like much of a step………but its the only the beginning. They must be processing.

have a look at this I wrote for a paper I presented last year. First of all see your own steps………then look and see how it might be similar for a parent or partner to go through the same journey

THE PROCESS OF RESOLUTION

Let me take you through the process that I went through. Its not the same for everyone but like Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ process of grieving, most people pass through each stage at some time no matter how briefly. Problems develop when people become stuck in one place and can’t move on.

1. Denial (I’m not gay, I was drunk, I’m bisexual, I was just horny, it’s just a stage, I was just experimenting).

2. Rejection (I can change it, I can overcome it)

3. Suppression (I can control it, monitor it, it’s my secret, no one need know)

4. Hatred (this thing is too strong for me, I hate my gayness, therefore I hate myself)

5. Acceptance (Healthy & unhealthy). It’s wonderful that so many young people today are coming out and accepting their homosexuality. There is also a group, like I was for years, who have accepted their sexuality but only reluctantly. They would prefer to be heterosexual and as long as that remains in their thinking, they can never fully embrace their true selves and enjoy the sense of freedom that brings. They exist with a subconscious belief that life is unfair, they still live with a sense of shame and some believe they will inevitably go to hell because they gave in to their homosexuality.

6. Celebration (I love being gay). This is the beginning of living a life of authenticity and congruence. The person who celebrates and embraces their sexuality lives a powerful life that transforms those around them because no one can deny what you have………a wholesome and profound love of self.

Woh… where am I in all of this?

Quite obviously I was stuck at ‘suppression’ for the last 20years… do not ask me how managed that!! LOL

This week my wife and I had a tense discussion (read arguement) and afterwards I advised her that I was going away for a few days (which I did) because I said there was a risk that I would end up hating this ‘thing’. i.e. STEP 4.

I came back feeling much better.

In quiet, quiet moments I am very accepting of my sexuality but at the same time I am going through an intense and painful mourning process for my marriage… so really…. perhaps I am just going too fast?

When all is very still …deep down in my core… I sense a healthy acceptance… the trick will be to make it grow and stick.

You know what motivates me thought all of this….. my kids?

Just thinking out loud here….does anyone read this?

I hear you for sure and agree with gettingthere……A great thing is, is that at the core of it you have peace, thats an achievment to be in a place like that as it is, there are so many uncertainties in life but at least if you in yourself have solid certainties, its more possible to get through the other stuff.

Its also great having certainties of where your love and acceptance comes from, affirming the peace you feel inside already, I guess the reason why such groups like this is important and also in helping people reach a place of inner peace to start with.