Coming out at 51

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Anthony Venn-Brown
Joined in 2005
December 12, 2011, 09:47

Quote from Mother Hen on December 10, 2011, 9:57 am

Thankyou Rainbow Girl for your lovely comment, it's very much appreciated.

I think there are some terrific people, including yourself on the F2B forum. I am constantly inspired by the resilience, courage, strength, compassion and support shown on this forum through people telling their stories and the replies of hope and love shown in replies.

It's an amazing group.

Anthony Venn-Brown
Joined in 2005
December 12, 2011, 09:59

Welcome Rainbow Girl…..Its been quite a journey hasn't it.

Even though this has been relatively quick I know it has also been strategically thought out and support mechanisms in place for you and your husband which is important.

I look forward to hearing the developments.

BTW I am not sure if you realise it or not but there is someone on this thread who lives in the same country/city as you I believe. As our No.1 Guideline is freedom2b is a safe place. That means you are welcome and we will do all we can to respect your rights which, if you choose, include your anonymity. it would be inappropriate for me to reveal that………but they may send you a private message and let you know if they'd feel comfortable with that. Who knows you may have already met them.

thinking of you all.

Anthony Venn-Brown

LGBT Consultant and professional coach, working with gay, lesbian, bisexual clients and those questioning their sexual identity

Strategic Coming Out – Married & Gay – Faith Sexuality Conflict – Living Authentically

Author of 'A Life of Unlearning – A Journey to Find the Truth'

Co-founder of Freedom 2 b[e]

Rainbow Girl
Joined in 2011
December 12, 2011, 14:20

Hi Anthony, and yes, it has been quite a journey…and a fairly rapid one.

I do know the person on this thread who lives in the city I do…we are also FB friends. She guessed Rainbow Girl was me!!

I am planning on telling my children very soon as well as my sister who arrives tomorrow.

There has been a new development though…There are the beginnings of something between myself and a woman I've been friends with…and who is also a lesbian.

Its happened quite quickly (as does everything in my life). We are trying to take things slowly as it can be a bit overwhelming. The attraction is very intense though, and it kind of took me by surprise. I can't stop thinking about her and want to be with her all the time. We need time to get to know each other better…but right now its in the 'first flush' stage…I am happy!

Will keep you posted…

Anthony Venn-Brown
Joined in 2005
December 12, 2011, 14:24

glad you have connected with her. Will email you personally.


December 13, 2011, 14:02

Rainbow_girl…I hope it works out the way it is meant to with the other lady 🙂 I am glad we have also been able to have a few chats too.

Joined in 2009
December 13, 2011, 21:51

I really admire you and can relate well to how you are feeling. I hope your coming out to your husband goes well. Maybe writing it out might help to sort out in your own mind what you really want to say. It's taken you quite a while to accept yourself and in many ways the ones you come out to have their own "coming out" process to go through. This usually takes some time. I can relate to your desire to tell everyone, but as Mother Hen has said, it is wise to take your time and decide who needs to know. Coming out one at a time is a good idea, especially if it doesn't go well. Giving something in writing to those close to you has the added benefit of giving them something to read again later when their emotions are more settled.

I am even more senior 🙂 and only started to come out a year ago, although I came out to my wife over 40 years ago and she has supported me all this time. We are still married after 41 years. I am not sexually active in order to keep the wedding vows I made. She is fairly severely disabled now and I am her carer. I will never leave her. Saying good-bye to the gay man I could have been was really difficult.

There are some wonderful people here who will try to support you and we hope the process goes well.


Joined in 2009
December 13, 2011, 22:04

Wow. Things are happening fast for you. I didn't realize you had already come out to your husband. I hope he will continue to cope with it as well as he can. All the best as you tell your children. It's very hard to predict how they will go with it.

With me, our son (now an atheist) it went fairly well and with our daughter (a strong Christian) it didn't go well unfortunately. They are all joining us for Christmas dinner. Part of that is my trying to show them I am still the same Dad they have always known. Time is a good healer.

All the best. Hope it goes well.


Joined in 2011
December 14, 2011, 21:15

Hi Rainbow Girl

Your story so resonates with me. Like you I believed I was a straight supporter always defending gay people. My church background prevented me recognising who I was and like you, when I look back, all the indications were there, but I always denied them.

Then someone I knew who had been from my church came out. That hit me like a sledge hammer – I knew I was the same.

It was a very lonely experience to start with. I didn't know any gay or lesbian people (of course I did but I wasn't aware). When I eventually connected with other gay people it was so liberating.

I had never understood why my marriage wasn't what it should have been until I understood my sexuality. Now it all makes sense.

I came out to my wife earlier this year. That was the hardest part. None of this is her fault but she has to go through a marriage breakup because of who I am. It takes a lot of courage to tell your spouse and it will take time for them to process things just like it has you. They just start later but they have to take the journey too.

I found that a Christian psychologist was a huge help to both of us – understanding the emotional journey both have to go through, explaining what to expect and how best to cope.

I found Freedom 2b a marvellous support. Meeting with other people with Christian backgrounds who are also gay and lesbian and understand our experience was so good. Christianity and homosexuality are compatible as you have discovered.

God bless

Rainbow Girl
Joined in 2011
December 15, 2011, 07:03

davidt….you are amazing. I admire your unselfishness and your giving heart. Your wife is so blessed to have such devotion.

It's great hearing others stories and the highs and lows of their journeys.

I have now told my youngest son who lives with us at the moment. His reaction was quite low key, and he said there was surprise, but not a huge surprise. He seems okay so far. He doesn't say a lot.

My husband is processing things reasonably well. He's talking about things which is great. There has been denial, anger and grief at different times. Its not easy at all.

jonn-o, as you said…its not their fault and we can feel guilty for putting them through this, as well as feel helpless because we can't change things. But a good person on this forum has said not to take the guilt on board. We have been up front and honest about who we are, and we didn't ask for it to be this way. Thanks jonn-o for sharing your story.

I will be telling the other of my children before Christmas, and my siblings also. That way everyone will be on the same page with this. My younger sister is staying with me for the week, and she's been okay with the news.

She had doubts at first and maybe still has….I realised that some won't believe me, especially those who know me the best. But when you go through life, suppressing who you are they don't see the real you. I said in a letter I wrote for my siblings, that I'm not trying to convince them; but simply need to tell them my news. And what they do with it is up to them.

I know who I am…and that's the important thing.

I will try to come and update my progress soon. I will be away over the Christmas break, so will tell all on my return.

Blessings to all.

Anthony Venn-Brown
Joined in 2005
December 15, 2011, 11:04

all going reasonably well it seems rainbow girl… best as could be expected considering the circumstances and the implications for everyone with your disclosure.

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