Guess what guys?
I've been having some major problems recently, things have almost got out of control. For those who have been keeping up, my drama's with Tom has had a major impact and its led to an almost total breakdown. Things were SO out of control a few days ago that … But I got a call from my mum a few days ago at just the right time. 🙂
Mum was ringing to see how I was, as I have the flu for almost a week and still having trouble with my epilepsy medications & when she rang I was in tears, having a bit of a breakdown well, more than a bit but anyway, as I was saying, mum rang. I told her that I've been having troubles & been really depressed and feel like I'm having a total melt down. she said, "I think I know what the problem & if I am wrong you will not be happy that I'm saying this or even thinking this. But "does you problem have sometime to do with sexuality?" I mumbled out "yes" while I was crying. "Its about you and homosexuality" she said, bravely I replied "yes mum, I'm gay, I'm a homosexual!" She replied, "do you think I don't already know? I have know for years, ever since you were young" I didn't know what to say, I was struggling to breath, crying like I have never cried before. She was in tears on the other end of the phone. She went on to say how much she disagrees with homosexuality and that it is sinful & I might need deliverance … I stopped her there & said "see I knew you would tell me Im demon possessed and homosexuality is wrong …"
"it is, its demon, you have opened the door to the spirit of homosexuality … if that's not the case, its your fathers fault because of the way he treated you & how he always called you a poofter … if you tell your son or anyone that this is what you are so many times, he starts to believe it and becomes a homosexual" We went on talking (and crying) about how God didn't make me gay, its a sin, blah, blah … but then she said something that I never expected, she said the one thing I have been craving to hear. The one thing that totally blew me away … she told me that "it doesn't change anything. Your still my son, I still love you .. Im not going to kick you out if you come to visit me …" If I was crying a few minutes ago, I was really crying now, my heart was beating so fast that I thought I would have a heart attack. If I took my blood pressure at that very moment, the machine would have blown up 😉 She went on to say that she will never except "the act" and she never thought that I would ever do "the act" even though I didn't tell her that I have done "the act" anyway, we cried and cried and cried some more for good measure 🙂
She told me that she believes it is wrong & she needs time to digest all of this, which totally normal. I will give her as much time as she needs. She rang back yesterday to tell me that she knows that, because I cried out to God and my prayer was genuine that God heard my prayer & as of today, I will no longer have this problem, the demon is gone and she is sure that even my epilepsy has gone! I told her that what she really is hoping for but I'm not sure what God has planned & I told her that I have been praying for years that God would change me but nothing changed, but anyway, I was still feeling sick and didn't want to keep talking, it was at night & having the flu & troubles with my medications, I didn't have much strength to continue talking and continue crying. So in the end, she told me that she still loves me & always knew I had homosexual thoughts, but she didn't want to believe that I was actually gay. She told me my brother knows (I already knew that) and his gf thinks I am gay & even my step father. I think its a start and a pretty good one 🙂 but Im not getting over excited, there is still a long way to go with mum & eventually dad, & that will be a nightmare & a half!
Mum is still getting her head around it all and although she always knew, she always refused to accept it & she still doesn't but at least she still accepts me and nothing changes between us. I suspect that as long as we don't talk about my sexuality & I don't try to convince here that it is not a sin, than things will be okay. But one thing at a time.
On a different note, as I think I mentioned before, for some reason & only God knows, I still don't full understand it anyway, I kind of came out on facebook and expressed my struggles and how I had enough of living a "double life" blah blah & so some of my Christian friends, those who come to Church with me now know. Although they said that they suspected due to some of my comments to my friends, things that only a gay man would say. So because of my description of exactly how I was feeling & the depression I was exhibiting, I got a visit from my Church pastor we spoke about things, he wanted to know why I posted such a person topic on facebook, I still have no idea, I guess I just needed to get it off my chest, get people to stop asking if I was gay & in a way I wanted the world to know … I really regret it now! But I cant take it back 🙁 my Pastor has arranged for me to have a meeting with him & the other Elder of our Church tonight, he says its important that he knows. I guess they will pray for me, I know they want me to "tell my story" & they will probably tell me that its sinful blah blah … and maybe, just maybe even ask me to step down as a deacon (I was planning to do that anyway) oh Im one of the deacons at Church and maybe they will … I dont know, I will find out tonight.
But the whole thing with mum is a promising start. I've re-worded the letter I had planned to send her but never did, just to acknowledge and reinforce her statement that nothing has changed, I am still welcomed and so on, and how much of a relief it was to hear those words. And that I love her deeply. I think I will probably post it today. That may be a mistake but I will see.
Anyway, thanks for reading, sorry my posts are always SUPER LONG!
Love you guys,