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Do Parent's "Come Out" ??

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Mother Hen
 
Joined in 2011
June 7, 2011, 18:37

When I started this post I asked the question do parents “Come Out” I was interested in hearing people’s views on this as I had heard it used to refer to parents when they tell people their child is gay.


No one has actually voiced an opinion on this, it is something I have been thinking about as I have told family members my son is gay.


These are my thoughts only and other’s might view it differently and that’s ok. When I hear the term “Coming Out” I think of a gay person who has started to tell others they are gay or LGBT, or as I’ve learnt they also come out to themselves first. To me someone coming out whether to themselves or to others is a huge step, one I believe empowers the person, as they say this is who I am and I am ok with that. They have often gone through a lot to get to this point, including acceptance of themselves, coming out takes a lot of courage and strength, especially when they come out to family members. Obviously it’s easier to tell some people than others, either way it is a big deal.


I think we all have aspects of our lives we keep hidden from others for one reason or another, I know I do. When I choose to tell someone something private about myself it takes a lot of trust in the other person for me to do so, trust they will still accept me, love me, like me, trust they will keep it in confidence and the list goes on, it’s a real big deal. It can be a nerve racking experience depending on the issue. Now if for example I give that person permission for them to tell someone else, that person doesn’t go through the same things I have, because it’s not their issue its mine. They will not have the same concerns or feelings I do. They might have their own but not the same as me.


Well I feel it’s the same when my son came and told my husband and I he was gay. What he went through, what he felt, the fears and concerns he had, the joy and empowerment he might of felt in telling us, the relief in our positive reaction, how free he must of felt. And how free and happy he feels now to be himself and share that aspect of himself to others, can’t be compared to how we feel as parents when we tell others our child is gay.


Yes we go through some issues, after all it is our child whom we love, we also feel relief when the news is accepted well, nerves and concerns as I’ve expressed when I’ve told my family, even tears and I think it’s important that the child know this.


I think the term” Coming Out” and everything that encompasses is something very special that this mother will be reserving for her son.


If other parents want to say they have come out, or other people think parents do come out, that’s ok, these are just my thoughts.


I haven’t heard any more from my mum as I believe she is still out of internet range. When she does I will let you know

Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
June 7, 2011, 20:10

I think that for parents of gay children Motherhen they can experience something very similar to coming out…..but of course it is coming out about their child’s sexuality. I know after I came out my daughters went through a similar process.



  • Who do I disclose to that my Dad is gay.

  • Who can I trust with this information?

  • Will I be rejected by friends in the church or at school if I tell them the reason my Dad left was because he is gay?

  • Should I feel a sense of shame that my dad is gay.

  • Is it okay to be proud that my dad is gay?

  • Do I tolerate, accept or celebrate that my Dad is gay?

  • I wish my Dad wasn’t gay.

  • Its not fair that my Dad is gay.

  • Now that my Dad is gay will I see him in heaven or is he going to hell?

  • Maybe this is just a phase and he will get over it?

  • My Dad can’t be gay he was married to my mother all those years and I am a result of that.

  • Maybe if my Dad tries hard enough he can be straight again and we can be a happy family once more.


As you probably see the processes and questions are very similar for the straight member of the family.


This is the process most gay and lesbian people go through……do you see similarities


1. Denial (I’m not gay, I was drunk, I’m bisexual, I was just horny, it’s just a stage, I was just experimenting).

2. Rejection (I can change it, I can overcome it)

3. Suppression (I can control it, monitor it, it’s my secret, no one need know)

4. Hatred (this thing is too strong for me, I hate my gayness, therefore I hate myself)

5. Acceptance (Healthy & unhealthy). It’s wonderful that so many young people today are coming out and accepting their homosexuality. There is also a group, like I was for years, who have accepted their sexuality but only reluctantly. They would prefer to be heterosexual and as long as that remains in their thinking, they can never fully embrace their true selves and enjoy the sense of freedom that brings. They exist with a subconscious belief that life is unfair, they still live with a sense of shame and some believe they will inevitably go to hell because they gave in to their homosexuality.

6. Celebration (I love being gay). This is the beginning of living a life of authenticity and congruence. The person who celebrates and embraces their sexuality lives a powerful life that transforms those around them because no one can deny what you have………a wholesome and profound love of self..

Mother Hen
 
Joined in 2011
June 13, 2011, 22:14

Finally got a bit more of a reply from my mum, this is part of it


“The best thing we can do at this time is to state again our love and respect for “Mr S” as a person and as our grandson. We have certainly always been proud of him and I am sure will continue to be.


For us to venture any opinion on the topic I think would be unhelpful excepting to say that God is a good God and we cannot ever plumb the depths of His love and grace.”


It is clear they don’t agree with things but are keeping that to themselves for which I am grateful, we are happy enough with this response and didn’t expect anything more. My parents disagreement with my son being gay will be a scriptural one, so not about to get into a tit for tat, the holy spirit will do a far better job than me in opening their heart and minds.


I hope by sharing my experience this it will help others realize that as parents whether we call it “Coming Out” or not, we also go through out own thoughts, fears and feelings as we share with family and friends, sometimes it will go really well like Helen’s experience, or somewhere in the middle like mine and other times maybe it won’t go so well.  Either way we need to stand with our children giving our unconditional love and support. I’m so proud of my son, for the young man he has grown up to be, for being true to himself and having the courage to stand up to the world and say this is who I am and I’m proud to be gay. 

Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
June 14, 2011, 00:51

Hi Mother Hen


I think your mother’s response is amazing!! I wish all people could be as wise and gracious in their responses as she has been.


I’ve realised that it matters less whether others agree with me and more that we choose to love in spite of different beliefs and opinions. That’s what your mother seems to be doing – showing love and letting that reign over all else. 🙂 🙂 🙂 From where I stand, I think that’s worth celebrating.


It’s been quite a journey hasn’t it? I really admire the way you and Mr S have both handled it. 🙂


Blessings,


Ann Maree

Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
June 14, 2011, 01:43

I think this is a great response……she is half way along the continuum. sort of hovering between tolerance and acceptance. You and Mr Summit loving her unconditionally and just being you in your new found places will move her to the next step which is affirmation…..only one more to go after that.


things are changing…….I have been coaching a client who is coming out in his 60’s and recently came out to his Mother…..basically the same response as yours. She is from generally considered conservative Christian denomination.

grebo5454
 
Joined in 2010
June 15, 2011, 23:25

🙂 Hi Mother Hen


I’m finally getting time and energy to put my “coming out” story together although it’s been a very rough 5 months for our family. If you don’t know, I lost my mother-in-law in January and last week lost my father-in-law too. Sam took it pretty hard with losing 2 grandparents in a matter of months and my husband, well, he’s not doing too good either losing both parents. On a lighter note, my sister-in-law (who was diagnosed with leukemia in May and is in Brisbane for chemo) is doing really well. So now to my story (sorry if it’s a bit long) …..


When Sam told us he was gay just over 12 months ago, I decided pretty well straight away to tell my mum (she is 81). I am very close to her and see her every day. It was very hard to keep it from her as we have a very close relationship and we lived next to her for the first 11 years of Sam’s life. She was brilliant and as I have mentioned before, just said “Sam is Sam and I will love him no matter what”. Mum also has a best friend (also in her 80’s) whose daughter is gay so I guess that helped a lot.


I then decided just before Christmas to tell my sister and brother and their families. Their response was amazing as well and my sister told me that she already knew because of Sam’s calm sort of nature. My nephews did not care either as Sam is their “baby” cousin (Sam is the youngest) and they love him unconditionally also. One of my nephews said that if Sam had any “problems” with anyone having a go at him being gay, he would “sort them out” lol. My husband, Sam and I just feel so blessed to be part of such a loving immediate family. Had my father been alive though, I know that he would not have accepted Sam at all because I can remember growing up and dad passing comments about homosexuals so I think it would have been a different story for him.


My husband’s family only found out last week. He only has one sister (who is in Brisbane at the moment) but her husband was at our place sorting out funeral arrangements and he told us something we did not know about his family and I just sort of said “while we are having confessions…..” and I just told him and showed him photos of Sam and Ben. He was absolutely fine and also said that Sam is Sam, etc, etc. He told his son and daughter and when they saw us at the funeral, they said we should have told them sooner because it didn’t matter to them either. I don’t know what my sister-in-law’s response will be as she cannot talk yet but I am sure she will be fine. My husband sort of waited till his dad was no longer with us as he said his dad did not need to know (he was 90).


I really was starting to struggle with not having told my work colleagues about Sam. Most of them knew him personally (except our 2 new trainees) and I sort of had to cover up quite a lot of my conversations with them like when Sam came home for long weekends and brought “a friend” home with him. I really didn’t like doing this as I have worked with these wonderful people for over 6 years and we are like a big family.


I had already told my boss over 12 months ago and she told me not to tell my work mates until I was ready because it was none of their business.


Well, we had a work meeting early this month and at the conclusion of the meeting, she said did anyone have anything else they would like to discuss. She opened up about a couple of things so I nervously said that I also had something to say.


I don’t know why I was so nervous but I really was. She came and stood next to me to give me support as I guess she knew what I was about to tell them. I told them that Sam had a partner (and my boss reiterated that I had said “partner”) and I said his name was Ben. Then I just told them basically everything and explained why I had not told them before and asked them for their respect and privacy around my workplace (I work for a large Council) and did anyone have any questions. Everyone was very quiet and there were a few tears. I had a few questions to answer, got a lot of hugs and then we just went back to work. (She also told them that she had a step-son who was gay).


During the afternoon, most of my work mates came up to me again and hugged me and said how proud of me they were and how well I told them about Sam being gay. They also told me that they had wished I had said something sooner and how much courage it must have taken to tell them and that they don’t know if they could have actually done it. My best friend at work also told me that I actually looked very different and less stressed the next day. I felt really good, relaxed and happy that I had finally “come out” to them.


One of my work mates (a guy) was married and had two children and his ex-wife now lives in a relationship with another lady. He gets on very well with her and was of course very supportive.


I only have to tell our best neighbours now but with everything that’s gone on lately will leave it for another time.


So that’s it.


Bless You All

Helen xx

Mother Hen
 
Joined in 2011
June 16, 2011, 10:05

Thanks Helen for replying especially in such a difficult time of your lives. It seems life goes like that sometimes when we seem to get a run of bad luck in our lives. I pray that this is the end of this time for you and your family and look forward to some great and happier times ahead. So sorry for yours and your families loss. You seem to be surrounded with loving friends and family, I’m sure they have and will continue to be a wonderful support for you.


Thanks for sharing your experiences of telling friends and family, it’s so great you have had such a positive response. I think that it was interesting that with each different person/group you told you, you personally had different feelings, upsolutute confidence your mother would be fine, nerves in telling your work mates and some hesitation in telling other family members. I think we all have an order of priority if you like in whom we tell and the timing of when we tell them. For me telling my mother was the first family member but I also knew was going to be the most difficult and that even though she has kept her views to herself on this occasion I know they don’t agree, which is fine. 


I do think more and more people are accepting these days which is wonderful. I also think that we should not feel compelled to tell people, unless that is what we want to do, as your boss said it’s non of their business.


Thanks so much for sharing, you are indeed very luckily to have a close, loving and supportive immediate family and friends.


I read what you wrote to seejaneburn,   I thought it was beautiful. It is great for others to be connected with people who have been through similar experiences so they know they are not alone.


God bless to you and your family.

Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
June 16, 2011, 10:39

Hi Helen


Thanks so much for sharing your story. I agree with Mother Hen that it’s really good to have your perspectives as mothers and also to hear of the support you received from those around you when you ‘came out’.


I’m sorry for your losses and agree with Mother Hen that it’s lovely of you to be sharing with us at this sad and difficult time. I also agree that your comment to seejaneburn was beautiful. Actually both your comments in her thread were really loving and encouraging. I’ve been reflecting on those of late, especially this morning, and moved by them.


All the best to you and your family.


Blessings,


Ann Maree

grebo5454
 
Joined in 2010
June 16, 2011, 21:38

🙂 Hi Mother Hen and Ann Maree


Thank you both so much for your kind words. It is tough to write your thoughts down sometimes but I really think that it helps you to grieve and come to terms with things. We actually had my father-in-laws funeral videod for my sister-in-law (she requested it) as she could not be there because of her chemo and we just watched it. It was hard to watch but saw many faces that we just did not see on the day so that was nice.


I also thanked a young lady trainee who I am mentoring in my office today. She is 24. I thanked her for not judging me when I told them about Sam. She has never met Sam so doesn’t know what he is like. I was pleasantly surprised by her reason and that was that her boyfriend’s younger brother is gay and living in Brisbane and that she and her boyfriend have a lot of gay friends. You just never know do you what you find out about people. She is a lovely young lady and someone I am proud to know and call my new friend of only a few weeks.


Bless You Both

Helen xx

IanJ
 
Joined in 2009
June 18, 2011, 12:52

What a fantastic thread!! Really dealing with the issue!


If it’s any contribution to what’s already been said, I think one point might behelpful:


When I come out, I find telling people that I am happy with who I am and/or that life is good for me, helps the person to know how to respond. They may be reeling inside, but at least they can agree with you, move on, and think about it further later.
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