Gay Teacher coming out to himself and family

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Joined in 2008
November 5, 2008, 20:17

Hello people,

I am aged 44 and have been married for 16 years. I am a father.

I am gay!

My Christian journey includes growing up in a happy Catholic environment in a great family environment. I did leave the Church for a while but now worship in a Protestant environment which I find uplifting, joyous and rewarding. I enjoy my faith without getting to distracted by dogma that is quite often caught in Church culture. I love my relationship with God and know I am in a place where I am respected by my creator. : – )

Married and Gay! Yip, it has taken me a while to work this out but it doesn’t work! LOL

I have spent many years very actively repressing my sexuality and trying to live the heterosexual lifestyle. I boundless love for my family….I love my kids vehemently. They are the epicentre of my world. But, I need to redefine my role as parent.

Very recently I have begun to accept my true sexuality and thus have begun a journey of rediscovering the true me. The words ‘a life of unlearning’ rings loud and clear to me!!! My aim is to be able to interact and contribute to my community and family in a positive, vibrant and confident way.

Sadly and with a lot of remorse, I am in the process of separating from my wife. However, I am very hopeful of the future that we will continue to have together as a restructured ‘family’.

My guiding philosophy is that we are created to be in positive relationships with each other. I now realise that the only way for me to do this effectively is to accept who I am. To accept my sexuality! It is a difficult journey but also… a positive one.

I also teach in a very conservative Christian environment and thus have much to challenge me in my journey as a ssa Christian. 😉

Joined in 2008
November 5, 2008, 20:44

Wow, that’s a great story. 😀 Of course, I’m sorry about your family, but I’m sure that it will all be for the best. It’s great that you are choosing to live honestly and all of us are here to support you. 🙂 And yes, it is a difficult journey, but I think with a philosophy like that you are heading in the right direction.

Joined in 2006
November 5, 2008, 21:34

Welcome to F2B rediscovering me 😀 thankyou for sharing your story and I know you will find lots of support here on your journey.

Anthony Venn-Brown
Joined in 2005
November 6, 2008, 08:49


its such a journey isn’t it. One day….in the not too distant future we hope that people will not feel they have to get married in order to conform or be ‘normal’…….and then have to deal with the aftermath when we finally realise that this is not actually who we are.

I dont think we can value openess and honesty enough….which is what coming out is all about really. Know one wants those closest to them to keep secrets from them.

After the hurts start to heal we can begin to rebuild……on the right foundation.

Not everyone is happy with our level of honesty……but we have to leave those decisions up to them…..and remain true to ourselves.

Joined in 2007
November 6, 2008, 19:30

Sadly and with a lot of remorse, I am in the process of separating from my wife. However, I am very hopeful of the future that we will continue to have together as a restructured ‘family’

Hi I’m so glad you have found us!… or finally gathered the courage to post after lurking a while… whichever it is its great to have you here.

As the daughter of a man who came out (and none too happy about it at the time let me tell you) I can honestly say Im so glad he decided to be honest and it has brought us closer as a family. Its not easy but its worth it to live with integrity.

Anthony Venn-Brown
Joined in 2005
November 6, 2008, 23:09

the support on this board is wonderful….I’m so proud of you all.

Joined in 2008
November 7, 2008, 08:37

Thank you for the short messages of support.

Yes, this is a difficult time for my family but also an unavoidable time. Some of you have mentioned ‘truth’. The reality to me is that I could no longer avoid the truth. Avoiding the truth was causing internal stress and I was withdrawing from my family. I kept asking the Qs “How do I move forward so as to maintain a positive relationship with my family?”…and with myself! So, there was a NEED to be brutally honest with myself. A large part of me also continued to repress my sexuality…. so it is all very complicated! I am lucky I have a very supportive extended family and basically they ‘dragged it out of me’!!!

Sandy… how old were you when your father came out to your family? Do you remember the emotions that you felt and how you worked through these?

Anthony Venn-Brown
Joined in 2005
November 7, 2008, 11:53

they say the first person we must come out to is ourselves.

I guess that this is moving from denial to acceptance.

After that…..for some there is actually the step of saying I’m gay. Like taking on the identity of who we are inside. Not to be confused with taking on the ‘gay lifestyle’ (whatever that is)…….but having true integration with who we are on the inside with who others know and perceive us to be.

OMG… is such a relief to stop pretending.

Joined in 2008
November 7, 2008, 12:16

I am still trying to get my head around all this! But, yes I have acknowledged to myself that I am ‘gay’…unfortunately or fortunately once I has said the three words I was quickly discussing this with extended family so within a 24 hr period I was out to family as well. Actually, it WAS a FORTUNATE way of things b/c they ALL family members were very supportive so I did not have to linger too long worrying about what people would say. Since then (6weeks ago) I have learnt that the process is not linear and I still repress some of my thinking and emotions. The difference is that now I catch myself doing this. However, I have this little glow in me that propels me forward and puts a spring in my step that has not been there for a long time.

I will share with you a some words that someone gave me that also provide me much momentum: –

We can struggle with what is.

We can judge and blame

Others or ourselves.

Or we can accept what cannot be changed.

Peace comes from

an honourable and open heart

accepting what is true.

Do we want to remain stuck?

Or to release the fearful sense of self-

and rest kindly where we are?

This is very appropriate for me because my coming out experience is one of discovery but also one of pain, confusion and change because it also effects those dearest to me.

Joined in 2007
November 7, 2008, 18:59

Sandy… how old were you when your father came out to your family? Do you remember the emotions that you felt and how you worked through these?

It’s been over a year since my dad came out… wow that can’t be right, where does time go?! So I remember my reaction and my emotions pretty well. I’d get an A in what not to do.

Being gay myself I got what he was going through to a extent so I had more empathy than alot of family remembers do I imagine, I actually “got it”. The problem was Im a conservative Christian so we had different ideas about how to handle being gay and what it all means for the individual and the family. Suffice to say we fought alot. My dad is 55 now and it took him 25 years of marriage to finally come out and tell us about feelings he had felt ever since he was 16. I’m sad he spent so much time pretending and has lived most of his life the person he thought he should be insted of the person he really is. Merely surviving insted of truely living.

As people often like to remind me my first reaction was the burst out laughing and say “no your not” in the kind of tone you usually reserve for scary men you meet on the train who tell you aliens exist. I was angry for a long time. Angry that my dad married and had kids at all if he was gay, angry that he backed out of his obligations as a husband, angry that he had stepped on my toes by having ‘my problem’ forcing me to deal with issues that fell a little too close to home. I struggled with forging a new relationship with him because I needed to accept his homosexuality when I choose not to embrace my own. We are both rather linear black/white people and he wanted approval from me, something I can’t give so it was been a long ride.

We have also come a long way from where we started. I do accept my fathers sexuality now, and respect his choices even if I don’t agree with them. I’m glad he came out because he is so much happier being honest and its always better to know. I’m still angry in places and we still don’t agree on much but at least now I feel like I know who he is. Time was a big help in our sitaution that and the many, many miles between us.

In the end he is still the same person he always was, or really he is the person he really is insted of the person he once tried to be. I love my father and I have because a firm advocate of the idea that people are not the sum of the choices they make. Seperating who my dad is from what he has done helps me alot.

Its a hrd thing to do, to be honest and I wish I had of had the prescence of mind to tell my father at the time how brave that really was. Its good toknow your extended family is by your side, Im sure that support will prove invaluable. Don’t be afraid to get involved here too, as you will come to see everyone has a story and different opinions, we can all learn so much from each other.

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