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My son told me he is Gay.

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ShadowBoxer
Moderator
Joined in 2005
January 15, 2014, 13:13

Hey – you are totally welcome here and I do not mean to give the impression that you arent.


I understand about the meetings things – actually dont like groups much myself (and Im one of the two founders of this organisation so sometimes I have to go to groups – shudder ) . and I usually prefer writing to talking to real people – I just wanted to make sure you understood PFLAG was there and what it offered.

Nothing more than that. No pressure and its fine if its not what you feel is what you want.

I do know from the PFLAG contact people I know – that they are quite used to having people call them in tears. So if you feel you do WANT to talk to someone – they are there and you can call and talk – and know they will have been through this. So thats always an option.

And I get about seeing someone at a meeting you might know – but remember of course that THEY are at that meeting – which means they wont care. OF course when I first dating my first Boyfriend I wouldnt go anywhere there were gay people it took years for me to get over that. So I think I understand and can relate to that … 🙂


BUT if you dont want to talk to PFLAG and if you are happy here – thats just fine. Just making sure you know that there are more support options there if you ever want them.

The best I personally can do is provide information and answer questions – and I appreciate thats not quite what you want right now – I havent been in your situation ( Im closer to having been in your son's situation – but I didnt come out to my parents till my 30's and that was common in my generation) . BUT we will do the best we can and you are absolutely 100% welcome here.



Mother Hen
 
Joined in 2011
January 15, 2014, 13:15

Quote from ShadowBoxer on January 15, 2014, 1:13 pm

BUT we will do the best we can and you are absolutely 100% welcome here.


Totally agree 🙂

Blondie64
 
Joined in 2014
January 15, 2014, 13:38

That's just it, I don't know what is right anymore, I just don't know…….I don't know anything anymore, all that I thought I knew has changed, changed to something I know nothing about.

Mother Hen
 
Joined in 2011
January 15, 2014, 13:48

You don't have to have all the answers right now. Things have kind of been turned upside down for you at the moment. Let the dust settle. Just don't make any big financial decisions right now 🙂 no seriously now is not the time to make decisions or try and get all the answers. It can be like walking through dirty muddy water all a bit murky. Eventually the mud and dirt settle and the water becomes clear again. It will be like that for you 🙂

ShadowBoxer
Moderator
Joined in 2005
January 15, 2014, 15:21

Hey There


I know what you are dealing with is Huge. I saw it with my Dad. but can I offer a few observations that I hope might help a little (and if they dont – I apologise)

You say – "I don't know anything anymore, all that I thought I knew has changed" but can I beg to differ.

something that resonated with me from your first post – was this "still my boy! I love him and always will"


So thats something that hasnt changed – and its something that you hung onto – even in the height of shock and pain and hurt. I believe that says a lot about you and your character.

You are in (for you) totally uncharted waters but that feeling for your son hasnt changed – and although you are hurt he kept secrets from you… and I know its hard to accept this emotionally at the moment (and thats OK) the fact your Son told you at 19 is pretty amazing and indicates what a special bond you built with him.

Theres a LOT to process – its OK to feel what your feeling but I think you still love him and I think he loves you.



jude
 
Joined in 2014
January 16, 2014, 20:14

Hi there Blondie 64,


I have been reading posts for a year..they have been a source of comfort and of education, but today reading your posts I felt I had to join at last and let you know that you are not alone. A year ago I was in your situation and well remember that feeling of waking up- if you slept at all – and facing that thought " my beautiful son is gay". Like you I had a secret fear that it was so. I had seen the signs. But even though your son at this time is saying this is his choice, I think what he means is this is the only choice he can make, because this is who he is, and if he is going to be an honest and authentic person he needs to be brave enough to face up to it, however hard that process may be. Your son valued your relationship so much that he could not hide the truth from you any longer, though hurting you must have been hard. You can be proud that he has been so brave and honest.


As I have time deadlines I won't try to add too much to the words of wisdom from other contributors.. But I just wanted you to know that there are other parents out there who have faced similar situations and survived. I was fortunate to have very accepting friends who I could share this with. We also decided to tell close family and get that over with so that my son did not have to carry any more secrets. Most of my generation were very affirming. If you aren't in that situation then when you are ready maybe the PFLAG connection would be a soother to your soul, to meet others who have been through it.


Reassure your son of your continuing love..maybe you need some space to sort things through but let him know that you love him.


Remembering you in my prayers,


Jude

Mother Hen
 
Joined in 2011
January 16, 2014, 20:39

Hey Jude, There is a song about that 🙂 sorry couldn't resist.


Thank you so much for replying to Blondie64 post. It's important for her to realise that there are other parents who have had similar experience and are ok, as hard as it may be at the time. It gives hope, a light at the end of the tunnel. It's nice to know people are not alone that there are people out there who understand.


Can I encourage you to one day put your story and journey on this site, it gives hope not just to the parents but also to the children who may have had a rough time with their parents. Hope that one day their parents will be as supportive and accepting as you. The words you speak bring peace, hope, encouragement, acceptance, love, wisdom, you have no idea sometimes how much a few kinds words can have a positive life changing effect on someone.


Thanks for taking the time to offer words of encouragement and hope 🙂


God Bless

Blondie64
 
Joined in 2014
January 17, 2014, 18:35

Hi Jude,


Thank you so much for your kind words and thoughts on this subject and for taking time out of your busy day to respond, even though, you don't know myself or my family. It's very much appreciated.


I know I am not the only parent/mother, to have faced this situation, nor will I be the last, so, yes in that aspect I guess I am not alone. That said, it is still a very hard, emotional situation to face – sometimes the truth really does hurt! Your words "that feeling of waking up – if you slept at all, and facing the thought – my beautiful son is gay" is so very hard to fathom. I think deep down as mothers, our intuition kicks in and no matter how much we may fear it "the secret" , I think we are not so blind and that yes, we do see the signs, no mAtter how much we try to ignore them. Regardless, ignorance does not change the truth.


My son did say "it was his choice" however, your words hit the nail on the head when you said "I think he means this is the only choice he could make, because he is who he is". This made so much sense to me and struck a chord with me. Also, I do believe he wants to be honest and open about things and that he was brave enough to do this and had the strength to let me in on part of his life at only 19 years of age. That took courage! I think as hard as it was for me to hear the truth and face up to it, it must of been so very hard for my son to have faced the fact that he was different, process those feelings, learn to understand he was same sex attracted and put a name to that – Gay! Personally, I have always hated labels. I don't go around saying I'm straight, he shouldn't have to say he is gay. He probably struggled with this secret for quite some time, maybe even tried to convince himself he wasn't gay but eventually accepted that he was.


I don't know for sure, but maybe that's why my son moved away from his home town, after graduating school, under the guise of work opportunities in the city. Maybe, it was his way of escaping to a new place, where nobody knew him, to figure out his life and now that he has, he's returned home to reveal what he knew and finally tell his family the truth. Perhaps it is true, the closer you are to someone, the harder it is to tell them. I don't know, there is so much I don't know right now. Maybe my son was trying to spare me the pain and knew I would feel confused and hurt, so, he tried to avoid it? I think deep down my son knew he would always be loved and that I would not reject him and whether logical or not he still had fear. I guess fear can paralyze people and stop them from doing what they need to. Coming to terms with the fact that my son is gay, is a difficult thing to adjust to. Just as their is a process he went through to come out, there is a coming out process for a mother who has just received this news. It will take time to adjust and accept what it all means. I feel in time, we will both be okay,


Mother Hen was right, a few kind words in time of need, do bring peace, hope, encouragement, acceptance, wisdom and love. Everyone of you on this site, and all your kind words have and are having a positive effect on me and my now changing life. So, I thank you all from the heart, Love Blondie 64 xxx

Mother Hen
 
Joined in 2011
January 17, 2014, 20:02

Hi Blondie64,


Sounds like you are coming out of the fog a bit and feeling a bit better 🙂 You are doing great, you have had a tough week been through a roller coaster of emotions. Your strength and love for your son are shining through. Keep taking one day at a time and keep us update on how things are progressing for both of you.


We are here to offer support to yourself and your son. If you feel he would benefit from making contact with people at F2B point him in this direction.


Praying for you both

Blondie64
 
Joined in 2014
January 18, 2014, 15:51

Hello again Mother Hen,


Yes I feel a lot better than I did at the beginning of the week that is true. Sleep is a wonderful thing and that alone helps, even if it is out of sheer exhaustion! It has been a roller coaster of emotions that's for sure. Just baby steps at the moment, getting thru each day as it comes. I guess now after a few chats & objective points of view, I can see that things may not be as bad as I first thought, the shock and anger have worn off & the upset is subsiding. Perhaps there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Still no communication from my son. My eldest is still being quite nasty by txt message – I told him to just stop! Back off, grow up & leave me alone if he can't be nice just stop. I don't know why he is being so nasty to me, all because I was hurt & upset when I first found out. Guess I will just give them both space and maybe one day they will come around when the dust settles. Time will tell is my guess. Till then I will keep myself busy at work & try and get some normality back in my life. Not much else I can do for now. Thanks again for checking in. Cheers Blondie xx
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