My son told me he is Gay.

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Joined in 2013
January 19, 2014, 13:00

Blondie, I'm not sure how much I can add to the excellent words said by others here, but I can only talk of the practical reasons why your son might have hidden it from you at first.

I was forced to move away from home when I told my parents. I had anticipated they would take it badly and chose not to do so until I was financially independent. There are multiple cases of children and teens living in the street because they came out.

I also delayed coming out because my grandmother, a very loving woman, was also very religiously conservative…and dying of a heart condition she has wrestled with for very long. I did not want to upset her in her final year, although I think she knew, from some of the words she said to me before she passed on.

When I did come out, I was blamed for 'hurting my mother's feelings' and told to never, ever talk about it or gay issues again, even though the paradox as you have said, might have been hurting her instead by keeping something from her. Its like we can't win on this one…to tell or not to tell is a bit of a crap shoot whether or not we end up upsetting people. When my grandmother (who lived nearby) finally passed on, I had to move out. I share a house now with a lesbian woman whose parents have cut all ties with her, at least mine still email me about once in two months.

That's the long and short of it.

Though I think you could take comfort in that your son would not have confided in you if he didn't think you would still love him. He trusts you. I think at this stage its best to get in touch with PFLAG as well as friends and partners he has come out to…he still needs your love and guidance particularly if he is becomign intimate with other men for the first time – the same as you would for any other child to make sure they are in healthy and respectful relationships. He did not *choose* his attraction to men, but he *chose* to live true to what he was instead of a miserable lie.

Eric Lee
Joined in 2011
January 19, 2014, 15:39

Hi Blondie,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing how you feel.

From reading what you have written, I must say, you are such a great mum! You concern about your son, you worry about him, you want the best for him and you want to be the best mum! It seems to me you are a mum who is willingly and prepared to grow with your son. And coming out, often, is a great opportunity for both parents and coming-out-kids to do so.

You didn't disclose your faith background, but if you do have a Christian background and have concerns about the conflict between faith and sexuality, let us know. We can provide you resources to have a better understanding.


Joined in 2014
January 19, 2014, 23:47

Hi again Blondie 64,

I have been away from the internet for a while and when I just read your last few posts it seemed like in the intervening time you have come a long way. It is amazing what a bit of sleep can do. Now that the initial shock is over you seem to be able to see things from your son's point of view more clearly. I am sorry that you also have to suffer the hurt of texts from your other son..hopefully he will soon come to understand that your first reaction was as a result of your shock and lack of sleep, and a natural one for a mother receiving this news. I guess the good thing is that is shows that he loves his brother, and this is his way perhaps of trying to protect him.

I am travelling at the moment and come and go on the internet, but I will continue to pray for you and your two boys.(I also have two sons)

If hugs can be sent over the internet, have some from me.


Joined in 2009
January 20, 2014, 10:47

I am sure that hearing the news that your son is gay is part of a grieving process and imagine it would be very similar to your son's story when he discovered he was gay. It is a coming out process and it takes time. But it not only gets better. It becomes a wonderful time.

Just two things. You may be tempted to wonder often if only your son had found a nice girl things would be different. It definitely would not change a thing as I have found even after 43 years. I am a father and a grandfather but I am gay. It is really important your son lives an authentic life where he doesn't pretend to be someone he is not.

Secondly, it is not your fault your son is gay. You haven't done anything wrong. It is just the way it is.

In time, I hope you can accept your son and his partner just the way they are. In the last two weeks at church I have met parents and grandparents in their 80s and 90s who are very proud of their gay children and grandchildren and speak openly to anyone at all about about how much they love them and are proud of them. It is absolutely fine, believe me.

When God creates some people gay, He does an absolutely fantastic job.

Joined in 2014
January 21, 2014, 08:20

Hi Dragunov,

Thanks for taking time to write and add your thoughts. Agreed, it is a hard situation all round. On the brighter side though, my son has since phoned me, we are talking again, he even called around & borrowed some cheeses platters of mine and gave me a lift to a function I was attending so I wouldn't have to drive and called back to the function later that night to see if I needed a lift home. Think we are going to be okay in the long run. I've still yet to meet his partner, but I guess that will come in time perhaps. Just baby steps in the right direction for now, also I've not met his other friends, as I mentioned he lives in the city in another state to me, but is home in his hometown for a couple months so that's a positive thing to. He said he wanted to come home to tell me face to face not over the phone or via a txt message, so I guess there was an element of respect in that alone, I just needed to get over the news, the initial shock & hurt and to get my head around issues is all and I guess as many have said, it all takes time and it's only been about a week, so there you go. Never doubt a mothers love, it's a strong bond, no matter life's challenges!

Joined in 2014
January 21, 2014, 09:09

Hi Eric Lee,

Thanks so much for your kind words. This forum has been worth it's weight in gold to me. To open my eyes and see point of views from others perspectives instead of just from a grey area while I was upset was brilliant. Also the comforting words of some who, like me as parents had been through the trauma & shock & upset of it all and came out the other end okay that alone was so good to see when at the time, I couldn't see past the end of my nose thru tears. Cheers Blondie

Joined in 2014
January 21, 2014, 09:18

Thanks again Jude for checking in, your internet hugs & kind words. All of these greatly appreciated. You are right, my eldest son has always been the protective big brother and does love his brother very much, that's obvious, he has just been a bit hurtful towards me which at times has been most upsetting and quite nasty. Just on time out there, been hurt and giving it time and space maybe in time that will change. Who knows? It's certainly been one heck of a roller coaster ride and I've never liked those, even as a kid. Thanks again Jude – cheers Blondie xx

Joined in 2014
January 21, 2014, 09:43

Hi Davidt,

Thanks for your words. Yes, my sons news did hit home quite hard when first heard. There was an element of shock, not total shock as a mum I had some clues just never asked for fear of hearing the total truth I guess. There was also hurt and upset in there too. Some of that was sadness as a parent/ mother, maybe selfish reasons too. I realise now, and after talking with my son further, yes we are talking, which is good, that he is happy, and this is what he wants. It was necessarily what I had hoped for out of life for him, but then again it's not my life it is his and whilst I realise this there was some hurt there that needed time to heal and sink in and get my head around. I've yet to meet his partner, perhaps in time I will meet him, but for now it's baby steps in the right direction. We are talking again which is good, and he has been around a couple of times to see me since I last wrote on this site, even ran me to a function I was going o so I wouldn't have to catch a cab, and called back in later that night of he function to see that I was right to get home safely, so he still loves his mum and ditto likewise. Guess it's too strong a bond to break there, even though we had a. It of a bumpy ride at first. Just took a bit of time, for both of us really if I'm honest, not just myself. I'm a. It sad to hear, although I am only reading between the lines of wha your wrote, that you seemed to of lived a lie for a while and weren't able to be true to yourself. I guess times are different now, and people know more, and perhaps it's a little easier now for people to be out, rather than it was many years ago. People do talk more openly now, and with Internet and world news, comes more knowledge and understanding I guess. I realise it is still not an easy path to walk, however, at least people can be more truthful to themselves nowadays. I'm not sure how my parents, his grandparents, who are in their 70's would take this news however, and we have not crossed this bridge yet. For now he has told a few of his friends, his mother and his brother. I believe, he hasn't even told his father yet, so it's small steps for him on a big journey and one, I am sure when he is comfortable enough, he will continue o travel. Right now, I believe he just needs to know we are there for him and that we still love him, no matter his choice in life. That will never change, it was just a bit complicated for a bit till we could get our heads around facts. At least you got to be a parent and grandparent, that was one of my sadnesses that I had as a mother, that I wouldn't see my son married, nor have grandchildren rom him! I know that was a little selfish of me but to be truthful, it was one of he things I thought about at the time and I was sad. However, he is happy and if he has that then, as. Parent that's something you always want for you children, for them to grow up and be happy. Cheers Blondie xx

Mother Hen
Joined in 2011
January 21, 2014, 10:02

Hi Blondie64,

Glad things have improved for you and you are back talking to your son 🙂 I never had any doubt that things would work out, as you say baby steps and one day at a time. As you can see you have a lot of support here, that support is also available to your son if he would to have a read or contact any one. He and you are most welcome.

Quote from Blondie64 on January 21, 2014, 8:20 am

Never doubt a mothers love, it's a strong bond, no matter life's challenges!

So true. 🙂 For those that read this post in the early days and read how upset Blondie64 was I hope you are also reading her further posts to see that one her love for her son never wavered, that people can sometime react strongly to the news at first, keep in mind this is their first reaction, doesn't mean this is what will stay with them. In saying that I also know that sometimes people never get over that first reaction. That is sad and it is their problem. That is when you need to reach out to the supports you have, F2B being one of them.

Be great Blondie64 for you to keep updating this post as thing improve for you and your son. It gives hope and comfort to other's.

You are doing great 🙂

Joined in 2014
January 21, 2014, 10:16

P.s. Davidt, I should proof read what I write before I push send. Just realised there were heaps of mistakes in what I sent . Hope you were able to follow what I was saying trough the errors. Partly my fault rushing to reply to you before work & partly auto correct on iPad, sometimes I really hate that. Cheers Blondie xx

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