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Recently out gay guy with conflicting christian mindset.HELP

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Nick
 
Joined in 2007
August 27, 2007, 20:41

hi everyone

I’m new in this forum. I discovered it by accident a while ago (long story), but i never signed up. I have only read a few threads and I feel encouraged. I thought I’d start writing now because I need to ask for your prayers, help, opinion etc…


I have grown up in a AOG church and my parents are leaders in the church which made it hard for me to speak about my inner sexual desires to be with other guys because I have to be an example. But too be fair, i absolutely love Jesus. I had the most amazing experience about 10years ago that changed my life and i gave my whole life to Him.

However I have had to live a double life to cover my true self. I feel ashamed and dirty because no matter how hard I try, I still cant seem to see any changes in my gay feelings. And I have the belief that gay is wrong. This is the dilemma for me.


I never thought I’d fight this viewpoint until recently when I met someone. I’m totally in love with him and I want to spend my future with him, but at the same time there is this sense of guilt and fear that i will end up in hell.

I’m so scared sometimes that even thinking of telling my family I just get very anxious because I know i will lose all family and friends and be outcasted. I dont know if I’m strong enough to fight them. What I’m scared about is that I’m even starting to think of suicide as an option, although i have no intentions of doing it. Just the thought of thinking it as an option scares me because I feel how depressed i get when I think about it.


I’m starting to see the pro-gay point of view and wish i can have the same level of confidence that you guys have, that being gay is ok with god. A part of me believe it too but I’ve been living a mindset that tells me otherwise. I’m still so afraid that I’m wrong and that god is going to kill me in some freak accident and send me to hell.


I have decided to come out to my non-christian friends that I’m gay about 5 months ago and they have accepted me with open arms. But at the same time everytime I go to church i feel like I’m not even worthy. I feel a deep sense of guilt and shame everytime I go to church that I get depressed again and so I try to avoid going if I can.


So in 1 hand i’m starting a beautiful relationship with a wonderful guy that I love but on the other hand I have this fear that its going to cost me everything even my soul.

I’m desperate to know the truth but I dont know where to look.


Anyway, thats just a little bit of where I am now, I would appreciate your prayers and guidance. Thanks



magsdee
Disabled
Joined in 2006
August 27, 2007, 21:10

Hello Nick and welcome to F2B. I will be praying for you for sure. I couldnt even begin to imagine what it would be like to have to live with the decision you have before you at this time but all I can say is this, Anthony went through it himself, things were ugly and just very sad when he first came out to his family and church and friends but he got through it and there wasnt even the support that there is now. Im sure he can offer you great advise as in what to do.


God does love you, please know that, we feel shame in church because we know what other people think and what the church thinks about us being gay but it isnt how God thinks, Jesus never bought condemnation to the people, never, and its sad when we feel that because it isnt of God.


You believe in Jesus and love Him with all your heart and have confessed him as your lord and saviour, thats all that we are told we need to do to be saved. You havent lost your salvation, you arent gay as a means of rebellion to God or a means of pagan ritual to appease another god, Im sure you have read the resourses backing that up. We will give you the best support we can here and there are other means of support I am sure Anthony or some of the others could suggest. I wish I could be of more help to you but know some of the men here who have been where you are will come forward to help you.

Hang in there, you are precious to God in every way and he wanted you here on earth because he loves who he created you to be, it would be contradictory to his nature to want you alive on one hand and then try and kill you on the other, thats not the way of the God and Father of Jesus that we all as christians follow. You will get through this, I have confidence in that.



Sparrow77
 
Joined in 2007
August 27, 2007, 21:25

Hi Nick,


Thank you for your honesty and sorry to hear you are really struggling at the moment. This is a really safe place to explore and question. You will find a range of viewpoints and I can’t say that I have come to any firm conclusions myself. What I have learnt is that the journey is important and I have to trust that God will reveal the truth over time … I just need to concentrate on developing my relationship with Him rather than running away. It’s a battle but one worth fighting no mater how low you get. My dad is actually a minister so I had a hard time telling my parents too. Yes it was crap but at least I feel like I am being authentic with them now. People told me they would come around and they have in their own way. It’s taken a couple of years and they don’t agree but they accept me.


I pray that God holds onto you and gives you some peace at this time. Mags is right, this isn’t a salvation issue. God sees your heart and that you desire to follow Him. Someone wise from this site said this stff to me and it has made a big difference in my life.


Hang in there!



Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
August 27, 2007, 23:07

hey Nick……welcome……..its great when new people find us and we we love to hear their stories.


I wonder if you’d like to move this post to the special section we have for stories……if you dont know how to do that our site moderator Maggie can tell you how……just PM (private message) her.


Hope to hear more of you in the discussion……..you are no longer alone my friend.


BTW……I was an ordained AOG minister so i understand the inner turmoil you have gone through.



Nick
 
Joined in 2007
August 27, 2007, 23:12

ok but i dont know how



Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
August 27, 2007, 23:25

Maggie will help nick……she’ll email you shortly



Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
August 28, 2007, 11:57

as you see Nick…..we were able to move your story over to this section.



Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
August 28, 2007, 13:37

hi Nick…..i’ve had a little more time now to read your post.


what you have just discovered is what many of us had to find out. Our sexual orientation is not just about a physical act. In fact that is a small part of it.


Our sexual orientation is about deeper things. its about love, devotion, affection and intimacy to name a few. We will fall in love and want to partner with someone of the same sex and not the opposite.


It took me 22 years to figure that out that what i really wanted was not sex with a man but intimacy……that deep inner connection with another male that can be so beautiful it makes you cry.


Lots of people are trying to find that through having sex with lots of people……but all that get in the end is a empty feeling…..once the orgasim or the one night stand is over.


it seems like it didn’t take you as long as it did me to find something much deeper.


BTW….your marality is a choice but your sexual orientation however isn’t.



Nick
 
Joined in 2007
August 28, 2007, 17:47

Hi AVB


I always thought my sexual orientation is a part of my morality.

Thats probably why i’m afraid so much of my decision to be with my partner because being gay is not ok.

Although a part of me feel like I’m very lucky to be with him and accepted my sexuality another part of me feels like it will ultimately make me lose my salvation.

I’m not too sure where to go from here.



Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
August 28, 2007, 19:50

My feeling Nick is love is never immoral.


If i had a one night stand then that might be different.


what you are going through is very normal…..hope that helps. You see we have had years of conditioning that we were wrong, warped, perverted etc. Not always because of what we did but essentially for who we are. I.e. Attracted to the same sex and not the opposite. that it can take years to rid yourself of that subconscious conditioning. It took me about 6 years after I came out.


the next step that you will probably go through is that you are just justifying your sin. that soon passes as well and you end up with a very deep sense that God loves you just as you are. When you get there that is unshakable it is so profound. I wish at times that i had a magic wand to wave over you all and release you of that flase image.


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