I am a 28 year-old gay pentecostal/revival Kiwi living in Japan.
I was born in London but grew up in New Zealand in a semi-charismatic Baptist church, attended small pentecostal churches in the renewal/revival/prophetic/apostolic stream during the mid-1990s and led a Christian group at high school.
I knew I was gay since about age 11 but as a teenager I thought that I could overcome gay thoughts through prayer, confessing scripture, faith, revival and the anointing. I went through a never-ending cycle of feelings of victory and then defeat, constantly condemning myself after hearing what some preachers taught. I attended the meetings of what I considered to be the most anointed ministries in the world, hoping that my orientation could be changed, but would feel a huge sense of hopelessless and frustration as my desire for guys and gay thoughts would always return.
I felt strongly that homosexuality was a sin, but at the same time I was never condemned or made to feel guilty by the Holy Spirit. When I was in the presence of God or under the anointing I only ever experienced unconditional love, joy and acceptance. I first spoke in tongues when I was 13 after reading a book on a revival in Asia and about a month later read a book on the person of the Holy Spirit and asked Him to become my best friend. I see now that the Holy Spirit has always been faithful to stand by me, that he was the One helping me to overcome guilt and shame, and that He has been leading me to a place of freedom and to believe the love God has for me.
In 1999 at age 19 I left NZ for the U.S. to volunteer at evangelistic events and go to a bible school affliliated with a well-known ministry, hungry for revival and the move of God. I eventually ended up working in evangelism for that ministry (which I still love and deeply appreciate).
At the bible school I struggled with gay thoughts almost daily. Even though I had numerous supernatual experiences, no matter who laid hands on me or how long I was in God’s presence my desire for guys wouldn’t go away (in fact it seemed to grow stronger!). Eventually I decided my only cure would be to marry, so I pursued a girl at bible school and we got engaged very quickly, despite having had an almost “audible voice” experience a few months earlier that I shouldn’t try to get married. The ministry leader was the only one who opposed our engagement, which I resented at the time, but am thankful for now. About one week before the wedding she broke it off, and I was devastated, not because I was heart-broken, but because I thought there was no other way I could be free from my desire for guys. That was the only time I ever contemplated suicide.
I soon returned to NZ, only to chase another Christian girl for the same reason. Eventually I enrolled at a university in NZ to study business and Japanese and finished my degree there, but soon stopped attending church. I felt that a secular career was the only thing possible because I could not overcome my issues and I did not want to “bring reproach upon the body of Christ”.
I came to Japan in 2004 and after two years of nearly driving myself crazy over my sexuality, decided to take another look at the verses that supposedly talk about homosexuality in the bible. I soon found that I had been deceived into believing a religious lie, and became very angry that I had wasted my youth fighting a part of me that God had created and loved. After finding a sense of freedom and acceptance, I felt a strong impression that “Until you accept yourself as you are you will never have power in your life”. I finally had my first real experiences with guys in May 2006 and quickly jumped into the Tokyo gay scene. I have been in a relationship since December 31, 2006.
After coming out to friends and some of my family last year, I did begin to find a lot of personal freedom and power. I began to feel confident inside about who I am as a gay guy in love with Jesus. Out of that confidence and faith I also began to experience the love and presence of God in my life even more than I had in the past. I learned that the kingdom of God was not about external rules and regulations (meat and drink), but “righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Ghost”. I was at peace, found it easy to believe God for the miraculous, and began to feel a genuine joy and love for people like never before.
(I kind of wish my story could end there on a happy note, and this is already too long, but wait, there’s more …)
From about August last year I found myself longing to feel more of the anointing and presence of God, so I began to download recordings of anointed meetings and worship to my ipod. Then in March this year I began attending a small charismatic church here (I had not attended a church since 2002). Because I told them about my bible school and ministry history, they soon asked me to lead outreaches and to speak at some of the services. I was nervous about ministering at first because I had previously thought that ministry and my being gay couldn’t mix, but I felt I should speak with boldness, so I did. The Holy Spirit moved and I ended up speaking for several weeks in a row. Since then the church pastors have asked me to become part of the leadership and to come on staff (which I have not yet signed up to, but have not refused either), but they do not know that I am gay.
The issue of my sexuality had not really come up, but this past Sunday the pastor preached strongly against homosexuality and gay marriage, sending me into an unexpected tail-spin on the inside. Maybe it was because I had just finished listening to Anthony’s audiobook last week, but I almost went into shock during the service because it made me confront the reality that everyone at the church thinks I am straight and I am not being honest with them, even though I am in a defacto leadership position. I was also angry, and began to wonder if I can continue to support a church with my time and money that condemns me and the community I care about. If I am going to lead them in outreach, it has to be with the unconditional love of God, not judgment.
So I am thinking about what to do. If I come out to the pastor and his wife, I think they would feel betrayed, having given their pulpit over to a gay guy without knowing it. I assume they would not let me minister again and my continued attendance would make them extremely uncomfortable. It could also be seen as an “attack of the devil” to discourage them from the outreaches the church is just starting. The pastor knows where I went to bible school and is now hooked up with that ministry, so there is also the possibility that word could get back there and also to churches I used to associate with in NZ. I am afraid of losing those relationships and being cut off or made to disassociate from the ministry in the U.S. and my bible school friends.
I am tempted to just “not take offence”, nod, smile and say nothing, and continue hiding my orientation while continuing to minister in the church, or I could just run away and tell them I have found another church (there are gay churches and interdenominational gay Christian meetings in Tokyo I could attend, but they are not charismatic), but I do want to have some integrity.
Now I am wondering whether I am strong enough to come out to the church, and then stay and be a witness to the fact that you can be fully gay and also be fully anointed and filled with the Holy Spirit. I hate the fact that everyday people preach against being gay without the Holy Spirit or anointing at all backing up or confirming that “word”, and that young guys and girls struggling with the issue hate themselves and commit suicide as a result. I believe there are thousands and thousands of gay Christians sitting in the pews of charismatic/pentecostal/renewal/revival churches and that if all of us came out, told our stories and then stayed in our church with forgiveness and love (not hiding or running away like I want to), it would be revolutionary and attitudes would change over time. I am just battling internally over whether I am ready to take that step personally.
During the service I did feel a peace about coming out, so long as I do it in a way that is gentle, and that even if I am rejected and unable to minister there, I can still minister healing and love to my gay friends (with 60 million men there are probably several million gay guys in Japan!). Before the service I felt the Holy Spirit saying “I will defend you” but I didn’t know why at the time.
Anyway, yesterday as a first step I sent an email to the pastor asking questions about his message, such as what approach he intends to use to minister to gay people during outreaches, whether gay people are welcome in the church and whether gay people are officially allowed to take communion, give into the offering or minister there etc. He replied that all people need help to be set free from sin and suggested we meet up privately to discuss it. A former pastor of mine also happens to be coming to Japan in a few days, so next week I will have an opportunity to come out to both of them (separately) if I choose to.
Please pray for me! Thank you all for your honesty and love. It is a real blessing and encouragement to me, especially now, faced with this dilemma.
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