I hear what you are saying iInerti.
i am certainly in that stage/situation.
i have not opened my bible in many months
nor prayed, till recently.
i am extremely aggrevated when i come in contact with christians who, through their ideals/beliefs think they are doing the right thing (i guess???) when they condemn me verbally (for myself and passer by’s to hear when they walk past me in the street).
I am currently doing a course on a saturday about men being attracted to men/relationships etc and have come across a man who is related to a man who is in the church i use to be a pastor in. Through general conversation and without malice this man associated with the course let it slip what his relation and the whole church leadership thinks of me. I was not surprised, as i already know that but am continuously disappointed when i come across such attitudes.
What i am surprised with is how i feel and have felt for many months now. I do not read the bible and have tried blocking it out with other activities.
Thinking about this recent conversation with the man in the course i am doing – a thought came to me – one i am surprised with as like i said i have not read my bible for many a month – it was that Peter, who had a dream/vision about unclean food – the rev was that no food is unclean – and bigger than that – no man woman or child was unclean, hence all can be ‘saved’.
This thought has been haunting me. I am bothered continuously with thoughts of God wanting me, wanting fellowship, and dare i say, for me to come back to him in a relationship/service/church manner???????????????
I have no idea how it fits. I can not find a church I am not asked to leave LOL. Not just through me coming out but through a number of experiences of myself and many many others, who have been dumped by the church for whatever reasons, not just sexuality issues. I have had a great deal of people, troubled by how they were treated or not treated etc, hurt so much by people in church and in particular Pastors and leadership come to me before i left ministry and most certailny many since i resigned and even after i stopped going to church at all, which by the way has been 3 years. I can not grasp a postive concept anywhere about ‘church’ in myself. Yet this thing about God and me and people stays with me, troubles me, challenges me.
One thing i have realised, both for myself but also of others, is that we can so easily, once in a comfortable place, become judgemental and look down on any that are not the same as us. We can major on minor offences/issues and forget what is the big issues, the big picture.
I use to think i had reconciled myself with God and my faith, and i guess in some ways i have. Certainly my questions have changed, both in subject to some degree but also in flavour. I do not have bitterness like i once did but certainly still have confusion.
I am in a strange place in myself at the moment. So i empathise with you Inertia.