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40 year old Lesbian - Out - Spiritually Broken

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magsdee
Disabled
Joined in 2006
December 7, 2011, 14:24

Hey Fiona, amazing story 🙂 I personally go to a straight church and find it great 🙂 its pentecostal too which is more me and no its not hillsong LOL you can find me on face book as mags dee 😉 i dont come in often but anyone who wants to add me can 🙂 im happy to chat about my faith with you and yes i'm lez and have a partner….hang in their fiona we go thru lulls with faith but it does regain itself again 🙂

Princess _Fiona
 
Joined in 2011
December 8, 2011, 04:22

Hi magsdee


Thank you for your encouragement to hang in there. I came across an old posting of yours on this site in one of the forums a few days ago, which lead me to a link to your website. I was touched to see the video on the cardboard testimonies, there's the link for anyone who hasnt seen it yet, http://www.joelsarmyministries.com/lgbti.html.


I also smiled at prophecy's "strange fish" mentioned. 🙂 Hmmmm, didnt know God viewed me as a strange fish lol.

Thank you for you offer to chat, I'm hardly on facebook site much, but will send you a friend request.


Hugs

Princess _Fiona
 
Joined in 2011
December 10, 2011, 21:39

Hi everyone


I thought I'd give an update as to where I'm at and some of what the last 8 years have been like.


I honestly thought there were only two choices;

To live as a lesbian, which meant having no relationship with God and ultimately going to hell.

To walk with God and deny who I am


Due to this belief, when I walked away from the church, I lost so much, I stop reading the Bible, as I said before I gave all my resources away. For the first year or so I totally kicked up my heels so to speak, I would go out once a fortnight with my cousin, I drunk way too much and did things I didnt think I'd ever do. I went down a path during these first few years of looking into other religions, my hope I think was to fill that void and find acceptance for who I was. I stopped calling myself Christian (in fact I didnt like that word at all, it was way to painful) and took on the label of spiritual. I was trying to convince myself that this new spiritual me was a better me. I got interesting in crystal healings, card readings and other so called "spiritual things" and for a time I found some peace in all that. I found a wonderful job again working in community services outside of the church, where I had worked for many many years before. This I always found satisfying as I was using my gifts of teaching and encouragement etc. I wrote a course on self esteem and endevoured to empower a community that was broken with love and acceptance. My job became my new church in some ways, a place where I could be me and I had a sense of purpose. I'd have to say one of the most painful things was losing ALL my friends. What once was a busy house full of friends dropping by, become a lonely place outside of work. Sure I had relationships with women during this time but nothing could replace the sense of family of the body of Christ.


In the past few years due to my health decling I had to give up work, I fought this so hard for a time working part-time till eventually I wasnt able. I did learn to accept where I was at as I learnt long ago to be content no matter what. During these 8 years deep down hid a sense of shame for who I was in relation to walking away from God. I was happy and content with my sexuality but a relationship with God was missing. I would pray for others but always have a sense of unworthness due to my sexuality. Knowing God loves you but shutting yourself off to that love is so unproductive and harmful.


Last few weeks I have tired to opened myself totally up as much as possible, I've read and watched alot from a theological point. There has been some small changes I can see in myself already. I'm happy to say I'm not so scared or petrified as I have been over the past 8 years, when it comes to a relationship with God. What has impacted me the most is peoples stories, they cut right through all the pain of the past and all the walls I have erected around my heart. When I read or listen to there triumps or struggles it touches my heart deeply and breathes hope. Knowing your not alone and that others are walking or have walked a similar path is a powerful thing! The Bible isnt as scary to look at now and I'm actually looking up scriptures online. Although I have avoided a deep study on those 6 passages, as its still scary, I know I will get there eventually. 🙂


So thank you so much again to all who share there journey on here, its a privilege to be a part of your journey in a small way.


Hugs

Mother Hen
 
Joined in 2011
December 10, 2011, 23:16

Hi Princes Fiona,


Just a quick reply at the moment as it's getting late. Just wanted to reply and say I was very touched and moved my what you just wrote. You are such a beautiful person. I know your words will be such a blessing to many others. You have a new lot of friends on the forum and with F2B. You can walk with God and be who you are, the beautiful person God made you to be. You don't have to deny yourself and you don't have to deny God. He is there waiting with open arms to love and embrace you. I pray you will soon be able to run to him.


God bless and a big hug for you from me.



Mother Hen
 
Joined in 2011
December 11, 2011, 18:34

Hi Princes Fiona,


What you wrote last night really struck a chord with me particularly when you said


Quote from Princess _Fiona on December 10, 2011, 9:39 pm

I honestly thought there were only two choices;


To live as a lesbian, which meant having no relationship with God and ultimately going to hell.


To walk with God and deny who I am


Reason is struck a chord is I remember my son (Mr Summit) saying something very similar. He like so many others had tried to changed, fall into line with what the churches said the scripture said about being gay. I won’t go into his story you can read it on this site as well as how we responded when he came out to us. He loved God so much and didn’t want to walk away from God but could no longer be someone he was not. One day he decided to do his own bible study on the issue instead of listening to what the churches and us said on the subject. He found the scriptures were not quiet as the church had said. When he came out to us, he let us read his bible study. After reading it we came to the same conclusions as him. Being Gay was not a choice, and it was ok by God.


After reading your post last night it highlighted how things could of turned out different for him, he could of walked away from God. He is amazing young man who we are very proud of and has a deep love of God. He is also one of the leaders of the Brisbane F2B group.


His bible study can be found on his web site http://unkingdom.com/ under a posting called “Why I believe that being gay is not a sin” it’s a fair way down the page. Maybe it might also help you.


Thanks for sharing more of your story.

Princess _Fiona
 
Joined in 2011
December 11, 2011, 21:49

HI Mother Hen


Firstly thank you for your beautiful life giving words in both your postings, your loving kindness reaches in and touches my heart. You truely are an encourager and shine Christ's love. 🙂


You said,


After reading your post last night it highlighted how things could of turned out different for him, he could of walked away from God.


I'm so happy to read that he didnt walk away from God, it's such a painful thing to do and coming out is difficult enough without adding that. I can testify to that fact, my whole centre (core) was to love the Lord and follow Him and walking away was the hardest gut wrenching thing I've ever done in my whole life. Although I must say, God would always come flooding through my mind during these past 8 years and I would always acknowledge my love and that my heart was towards Him and then shut down any other thoughts. Lest I start to feel the guilt, shame and consequence of who I really was (meaning the burning pits of hell). Must say though its hard to have a relationship with Him, when your petrified an you think your condemmed.

Now back to your son, It was nice to find out who he is, I've read a few comments of his on other forum pages and am looking forward to reading his journey. You have raised an amazing young man there Mother Hen. Your a gem for posting the link to his (Mr Summit) study, thank you so much for that and thank you to Mr Summit for willingly sharing your study on this. I'm going to go look it up tonight. I'm truely amazed at how many resources I am finding, that show a positive view of living as a Gay Christian.


You also said,


You have a new lot of friends on the forum and with F2B. You can walk with God and be who you are, the beautiful person God made you to be. You don't have to deny yourself and you don't have to deny God. He is there waiting with open arms to love and embrace you. I pray you will soon be able to run to him.


What a privilege it is to read the struggles and triumps of all on here they spur me on to continue my search for answers and truth. I'm hoping that I can make some great new friendships over time. I'm looking forward to the day that my belief system will change and I can let go of what the church has said and skip gayly into His loving arms.


Hugs

Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
December 12, 2011, 10:11

HI Princess Fiona….so good to share your story here….it means a lot and will be read by 100's of people who are going through the same thing.

I relate a lot to your journey. You might find the prologue to my autobiography of relevance http://gayambassador1.blogspot.com/p/prologue.html

There are three separate journeys people from our backgrounds must take.

1. Reconciling our sexuality

2. Reconciling our Christian belief system

3. Reconciling our relationship with the Divine and our sense of spirituality.

Whilst much of this is of course very intertwined…..from my experience they are very separate journeys…some happen quicker than others…….and no 'one size fits all'

hope that helps.

Anthony Venn-Brown

LGBT Consultant and professional coach, working with gay, lesbian, bisexual clients and those questioning their sexual identity

Strategic Coming Out – Married & Gay – Faith Sexuality Conflict – Living Authentically

Author of 'A Life of Unlearning – A Journey to Find the Truth'

Co-founder of Freedom 2 b[e]

Princess _Fiona
 
Joined in 2011
December 12, 2011, 16:51

Hi Anthony


Thank you for your posting, its nice to know that somehow in a small way, I might encourage others who are working through smiliar issues. 🙂 As I said in a previous posting, "I like to think that God could use it for good and that its not all in vain".


Today I hit regret which isnt a productive thing, I found myself thinking if only I had heard of the possibility of reconciling my faith and sexuality earlier. "Well enough of that kind of thinking I said to myself, its so not like you to regret anything". What I think might be happening is that some feelings and pain are starting to come to the surface. Surprise, surprise bound to start happening as you are looking honestly at yourself and your journey.


On a brighter note, thank you for the link, alot of what you have said (interviews, youtube etc) and written on different sites, all have been most helpful and valueable to my journey. There is something powerful in knowing your not alone anymore.! I'm sure your aware of just how much you are an impact on so many lives. Well just incase you arn't theres another, wtg for being so bold in sharing your story and for being so true to yourself. This site a lifeline spiritually for me and to think I was just looking up Gay accepting churches in the hope there would be a few in Sydney by now. What a surprise I got when I was direct 16 days ago to this site, had no idea a site like this even existed!


Hugs


P.S How did you post that like symbol on Rainbow Girls posting I want to steal it, hehehe.

Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
December 12, 2011, 17:20

I will let someone else explain how to add pics. in your post.

I remember when I first came out……there was no-one to connect with. I started a yahoo group in 2000 for ex-gay survivors which grow to about 400. Since 2004, when my autobiography 'A Life of Unlearning' was released, I have been privileged to be the first contact point for 1,000's of LGBT people from faith and religious backgrounds; especially those experiencing faith/sexuality conflict within strongly biblically based contexts. It’s a like my inbox has become a microscope into a hidden world as many isolated and alienated people have found someone they relate to; often for the first time. Then freedom2b was launched in 2005. As I kept saying to those who contacted me……you no longer need be alone on this journey. The isolation intensifies the cognitive dissonance.

Glad you found us.

The regret is normal……you have to grieve some time or try and bury it (not healthy). Some do it during…..some after.

I have recently worked with a gentleman who has come out at 63. As I said on Channel 7 on the Today Show when asked why people come out later in life. 'Its better to live one day on this planet being true to yourself than an entire lifetime which is a lie."



sarab
 
Joined in 2011
December 12, 2011, 19:23

Hi Princess Fiona –

I can relate to your comments about your struggle with fitting God back into the picture. I too have gone around and around in my mind about what it might mean to lead a life of faith – to have a relationship with God – and be gay.

They all seemed and from time to time still seem (as it's an ongoing process) a bit mutually exclusive.


I liked what Anthony said here:


There are three separate journeys people from our backgrounds must take.


1. Reconciling our sexuality


2. Reconciling our Christian belief system


3. Reconciling our relationship with the Divine and our sense of spirituality.


While my story is different from yours in that I am yet to partner, yet to come out etc – I feel that in such a short time my mind has been around the block a few times in trying to sift through where my relationship with God sits with sexuality.

A couple of things I have found helpful… which I thought I would share –


– I talk to myself about "walking towards God" – I almost say it like a mantra. Why? Because from the moment I started to come to terms with my sexuality or to even think about it – there was an inclination was to run fast from God. Yet also, there was at the same time a sense that I wanted to work out the "sexuality thing" in tandem with remaining faithful to God. This has been tougher than I thought it would be. I think it's tough because there are so many Christians and churches who preach against being gay – (and friends that send you judgemental books in the mail!! ) So I have quietly said to myself – "just keep walking towards God". Part of this "walking towards God" was sharing on this web site. Another part for me has been leaving one church to find a more affirming, safer church. I think the steps of walking towards God may be different for different people. It seems like you have done a bit of running in the past – so maybe the idea of a gentle walk or simple stroll towards God may be helpful. It's not a huge run or leap towards him/her or towards faith – just a gentle quiet walk. I think this seems to place less expectations on ourselves – kind of like the image of "bite sized pieces" – does that make sense?


– Another thing I have just started saying to myself over the last day or so is "created in the image of God" – how about that! Yes you Princess Fiona – created in the image of God. Something pretty special to meditate on.


I am still figuring this out – I think I am – looking at Anthony's list jumping between all three – reconciling sexuality, whilest reconciling my Christian belief system and at the same time trying to figure out what my relationship with God is looking like these days.


– Oh – and another word I find helpful is "integrating" – I am learning to integrate my past – be it my previous understandings of faith, of God, be it (in my case) unhelpful views about sexuality – I am learning to integrate these – with my present.

Anyway – I really just wanted to let you know that I appreciate your story – there are many commonalities with many on this site. You are definitely not on your own.


Take care –


Sarab xx
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