Hi Mother Hen

Thank you for your kind words and comments, your always such a sweet lady. I will try and make an effort not to isolate myself more, I have had two of my boys around as one is still on holidays from work till this wednesday, the house is always full of his mates and its nothing to have 5, 20 years olds sitting in his room playing ps3 games 🙂 The youngest is still in school, so is on school holidays, so not possible to just take off to my mum's alone and nanna isnt fun at all for a teenager. Hopefully I can go see around April this year, if all works out. I'm not at all close to my sister, which a shame, she is accepting of who I am (as much as she can, has never said anything negative anyhow). As for friends well I think I said previously I lost all of them when I left church. I do have a friend in brisbane, who lives on other side of where my mum is. Since leaving church only contact outside of home was work colleges and now I'm not working that isnt there.

Your right in saying that you question why am I bothering with all this, as its making me worse and more miserble. Luckily dispite feeling how I do, I'm not a person that gives up easy, so will keep om keeping on. Kind of feeling like I'm wearing heavy boots right now (if you get what I mean).

I do have a plan for this year which focuses mostly on my spiritual life and health. Your right this time is the time to focus on me and look after myself. Just need to do those little things that make me feel much better. Would love to go for a walk on dust, and get fresh air, with health I can't so time to focus on what I can do. I did get some nice novels for Christmas, so once everyone is back to work I will enjoy peace n quiet for a few hours and enjoy a good book.

I appreciate the support I do get from the forum so much.

Hi Ann Maree

Thank you for you kind words and suggestions. I hope you also are doing well and that 2012 bring great things your way.

I do have a fantastic Christian GP who I've seen now for 13 years. He has had a difficult year in 2011 himself and is just starting to return to work a little more. Thats about all the support I have and I usually talk about medical stuff going on. I did speak to him for a while 10 days ago about things going on for me which was helpful.

I was very much a people person and my job also reflected at, I think what has happened is that my health issues have isolated me even more which is unfortunate in last few years. It was hard enough and painful losing all my church friends and going through the heartache of losing my identity to some point when I left church. I still have alot to work on there and walls need to come down in order for me to venture into a church scene again. Its amazing how you adapt with your circumstances though, the human mind and emotions are more relisient than we think.

I am hoping to attend a f2b meeting this year when they are on again, I will find it a little difficult to get there but will work out a way. Hopefully parking isnt too hard around that area or to far to walk for me in Sydney as I have no idea of the area at all. As for doing things to make me feel alot better a massage sounds lovely, would need to talk to massage therapist before hand as it would need to be a gentle one….will try and set aside some money for that this month. 🙂 good thing to work towards. I have been to someone who did reflexologly many year ago. found it beneficial too.

Today I got to chat to a friend online from overseas, who I have been friends with for 5 years now. Poor thing has had health issues herself and cancer has returned again 🙁 so she isnt online at all much so was a treat to catch up with her. We always manage to bring out the best in each other and she also is a gay christian, so was excited to find out I'm on a journey again. Its always nice to have a one special person you can totally open up to and be yourself with , laugh , cry etc with and who knows you so well so you cant hide anything nor would you want to. I am praying so much that her health improves and that Gods hand is on her life and heals her.

Thanks again for your support Ann Maree it is totally appreciated and much needed right now.

Hi Mother Hen

My internet has not worked since my last posting on the morning of the 10th so just to let you know I wasnt in hiding on purpose :).

Not 100% sure why I'm struggling with my relationship with God. I am trying to make steps to get closer but yet feel so far away. I do think that the hurt from the past is part of it. So your right in being able to separate the two. Also if I'm 100% honest with myself I have to admit I have felt totally abandoned by God a little while before leaving the church…….circumstances were difficult for so long regarding my family and dispite crying out to Him for help for so long I felt I was on my own. I think this compounded the effect of how I was treated by the church. I did continue for a little while to walk with God after leaving the church and again found I was talking to a God that had left me. Now I know His word says that isnt possible that He loves me and doesnt leave me.

I know I have no right to be dissappointed with God for what He chooses to answer or how He chooses to answer my prayers……just has spent countless hours crying out to Him for change…..has been a hard road to travel and painful at times, wont go into to much of my family circumstances. Sure we all have our tough times, some more than others, makes you wonder why that is so , sometimes. Why good hearted people go through so much and others seem to go through life without to much hardship. Gods word says He wants abundance for my life and what I sow I will reap……just seems that it takes a long time to reap. I'm being finally totally honest of where I am at, not going to paint the usually happy christian face or say all the scriptures that make me sound good or full of faith! Reality is exactly that, where I am at and what I have been through in my life is a fact.

Yes God loves me, yes I want to walk with Him, yes its been tough. Guess He didnt promise good times all the time but some of the time would be good. Thing could be worse of course and I'm thankful there not! Something in my head, I keep tyring to work it all out and wonder if its a punishment of some sort………….distorted view hidden in there I think of God. Will need to work on these things as I want an authentic honest relationship with Him! Just has to work through alot of issues that I didnt know were there.

Hasnt had a massage yet, another rough week with health prevented that. Am hoping to soon get one.

Its my oldest sons 20th birthday today am cooking him a yummy meal and cake. Also am taking him out for dinner on thursday night with my other sons , so am looking forward to time with just my boys. He is such an affectionate young man, such a softie deep down like his mum, although to his mates he's not. A mum can see through all that and see who they really are and experience a closeness that friends can't. Am blessed to have him living back home in August of last year. He will have a few mates over tonight no doubt, so better make that a large cake. 🙂

Hugs to you

Hi Princess Fionna

Quote from Princess _Fiona on January 17, 2012, 11:14 am

Omgosh I just reread what I posted…..sorry If I come across as a victim, not at all what I want at all. Wow am such a annyaliser, comes from those Christian counselling days lol. I guess my title is fitting, as something that is spiritually broken takes time and only Gods healing hand can restore it.

Not at all you come across as someone who is hurting and being totally honest with where you are at and how you are feeling. I admire and respect your honesty. I think it takes a lot of courage and strength to be honest with yourself and other's.

Yeah had kind of wondered where you got to 🙂

I'm being finally totally honest of where I am at, not going to paint the usually happy christian face or say all the scriptures that make me sound good or full of faith! Reality is exactly that, where I am at and what I have been through in my life is a fact.

This is being honest, if God knows everything he knew it anyway. The problem is so many people (at least in the churches I have attended and sounds the same for you) put on this happy face, look through life with rose coloured glasses. I think there are a lot of people who are hurt, sad, feel alone and abandon in churches but people put on the face and we don't know they are hurting. I don't think putting on the happy face is beneficial to anyone especially those who are hurting, people can't see they are hurting and give them the help they need. Of course not all people who put on a happy face have hidden hurt, trouble is we don't know which ones do. If everyone was as honest as you are being we would know. Being so honest and open, helps people to know what is the best way to help you

Also if I'm 100% honest with myself I have to admit I have felt totally abandoned by God a little while before leaving the church…….circumstances were difficult for so long regarding my family and dispite crying out to Him for help for so long I felt I was on my own. I think this compounded the effect of how I was treated by the church.

Without going into details I can relate and understand to your feelings more than you will ever know.

I don't have any magic words that will give you the answers you need, nice if I did. Sorting out your/our relationship with God can be a confusing one, and there is no quick or easy answers. In the past I have had plenty of times sitting on the floor in tears screaming out to God asking where the hell are you, then I would wait and see if the lightening bolt would hit me ha ha 🙂 I think being totally, completely honest is part of the process. Maybe don't stress over it, or push the issue, just get on with life, bit by bit, things will become clearer for you. Getting your health sorted has to be a first priority, bit hard to focus on something else when you are in physical pain.

Know that people at F2B care for you and are praying for you.

P.S That is fantastic that you are spending sometime with your boys. I know my family gives me strength as I'm sure yours does. Have a wonderful time tonight and on Thursday. Happy Birthday to your son 🙂

Hi Princess Fiona, Thankyou for your kind words of encouragement to me, encourages me to impute here and there and hope it helps other's.

Comments like this are encouraging, as its hard to totally open up and have your life laid bare for all to read (to some point it makes me a little vunerable particularly when I do plan on attending a f2b meeting) .

Amen sister, I can relate to you feeling vulnerable when you open up. This site does give anonymity by using a different sign in name and you don't have to say that you are that person when you meet any one at F2B. I can relate though about feeling vulnerable, I don't say things about myself or my past struggles lightly. I have to have a trust and faith that people aren't going to blab or as you have mentioned quote scriptures at you, etc etc. Been there done that. I could tell you some stories. Ha ha. I say about some issues, eg like being hurt in the church, so people know that I have some understanding of the struggles and pain people might be going through. That I really do have a deep empathy for people who are hurting. As people read your story and follow your journey it will be an encouragement to other's. It's amazing how much comfort it can bring to have someone who really understands. So even though you might feel vulnerable know it will resonate with other's on this forum. They will be encouraged by your strength and determination.

I say all this to provoke thought in whoever maybe reading this, that sometimes for whatever the reason good faith filled people do go though periods of hardship and sometimes long periods at that.

People need to hear things like this, so many have felt that they must be sinning if something goes wrong in their life. That God doesn't love them, doesn't agree with their sexuality, he is punishing them etc. The fact is bad things do happen to good people, just as much as good things happen to bad people. The church can make out that life is or should be a bed of roses if you are following God, if it's not it's you who is doing something wrong. We all know in our hearts this isn't true, and it needs to be spoken out so people really get it. Sometimes things just don't go the way we would like them too.

I didnt hear Jesus say to anyone who was hurting, dont talk about it or you lack faith. In fact He would sit with the hurting and sick, yes there were many times in the Bible that people were healed due to there faith but also other times it was His love for the hurting and sick that casued Him to change a persons circumstances.

I can't agree more. I think you really are moving forward and sorting through some of the things that have been said to you and realize that what was said and done was not the way Jesus would handle things. People can have good intentions but sometimes the things they say can make things worse and turn people away from the love of God and Jesus. I know at times you might not feel you are moving or getting closer to God but reading your last post, I have to say you are making baby steps towards him. It's ok if you have some bad days, that's when you get down and sit on the floor and scream and yell at God and let it all out. It's in those times when you can't cry any more and you just sit there in the silence that you will feel God's presence. (of course when no one else is around). People should not be afraid to pour out their feelings to God, he gave them to us, so there is nothing wrong with having them. This is the start of you being able to separate God from the church, the people that have said and done hurtful things to you in the past. Here you have acknowledge this is not how Jesus would do it.

You are doing great Princess Fiona, you are stronger than you think. You are a beautiful wonderful person who God loves.

Lots of blessing to you 🙂

P.S I don't know if you have read this post http://www.freedom2b.org/forums/?vasthtmlaction=viewtopic&t=1757, it's a bit about how God whispered something to me. It was in a time of great despair, one of those times I had been sitting on the floor crying out to God and in the silence afterwards he spoke to me. I hope it brings you some encouragement and hope.