Sarab – G’day! Welcome to our Forum. It is good that you are taking action to resolve the inner conflict you have shared. Many of us have been through similar conflicts.

Q1. Seems that you have reached a point in your life where you are questioning your sexuality. I’ll come back to that in a moment.

Q2. If the answer to that is that you are homosexual, then the second question arises of reconciling that decision with your Christian faith. The clear answer to that is “Yes, you can be LGBTI and be a Christian” .. .. .. despite what some Christians will proclaim. (They take that position out of ignorance, and based on misinterpretations and misconceptions and stereotypes which have been handed down unquestioned until recent years.)

Back to Q1. This might sound a bit strange for me to say on this forum, but – based on what you have written – I think you need to link up with a suitably experienced and objective counsellor/pyschologist to guide you through the questioning. In your case, you may actually correctly come to the conclusion that you are lesbian (and always have been). Reaching such a conclusion AND accepting it is a process. And there are plenty on this forum who have walked that process and can help you with it. BUT (based on what you have disclosed), there may be other issues at play which could be causing your questioning and would, if clarified, lead to a different answer. (There may be people on the forum who can recommend suitable practicioners to guide you.)

But, hang in there. It’s a momentous process and it needn’t be rushed. A few months here & there are minor in the big scheme of things.

well firstly thank you so much to forestgrey and Ann Maree for your kind, wise and accepting replies. I can tell you I shed not a few (but many!) tears when reading what you had written.

Forestgrey – yes I agree I do need to work through issues around sexuality – and yes there are many complexities in my own journey. For the time being – the counsellor I have been seeing is very good. She’s not to my knowledge a Christian – so the tensions between faith and my current struggles are perhaps not something she could help with – perhaps that’s where this forum might come in!

Ann Maree – thanks so much for your warmth and sensitivity in your reply.

Yes I do like my church – this is a real struggle for me. Many of the things in my life that nurture me, sustain me (such as my church, work, things I enjoy in my spare time) I have (with the help of the counsellor) come to recognise as being the very same things that in some ways “starve me” – ie they keep me in a fairly conservative solitary bubble. My church is not straight down the line conservative – in that it is pretty proactive around issues of social justice etc – but as the woman from the church I spoke to said – it’s view on same sex relationships would be that this is not God’s perfect plan. I struggle with the thought of actively seeking a gay friendly church – in that there is a belief system in me I wrestle with – that Christian life involves sacrifice – maybe remaining partnerless for ever is what God wants me to do. I also know that as a Christian I can very easily look for “loopholes” – and avoid some of God’s tough teachings – “you don’t really mean me Lord when you talk about how we deal with issues of finance, giving, service etc etc” and so It is important for me to sit in a church that is very biblically based – and yet…. and yet…. maybe there are such churches where the Bible is central and yet there is an accepting space for Gay, lesbian people. (??)

As for how I deal with exploring my own issues around intimacy while remaining faithful to God – I am just trying to take small steps – I work through small Bible studies, give myself permission to cry a little, and yes… i am trying to give myself time. I can’t tell you how reassuring it is to know that others before me have also had struggles with the the holding of one’s faith together with one’s sexuality- & what’s more you have worked through them!

Thanks again sarab

Hi Sarab,

I want to extend a warm welcome to you and thankyou for sharing some of your story. As forestgrey and Annmaree have already expressed some great insights and suggestions I will simply say you are very welcome here on the forum! Please look around and take time to read others stories and suss out the resource section. We will do all we can to support you on your journey and hope you find some comfort and possibly answers from others here that understand some of what you are going through. 😉

I’m curious as to how you found out about us? It’s great to have feedback regarding this!

Again welcome and we look forward to seeing you on the forum.

Warm regards

Michelle

President f2b

HI Sarab……I add my welcome along with the others.

There are a large number of people in Christian circles and beyond they think of sexual orientation in terms of sexual activity. This of course is a very limited view. Sexual orientation is much more profound and is about.

• Love


• Intimacy


• Affection


• Partnering


• Companionship

Sexual expression comes out of that.

From my experience working with people in the areas of faith and sexuality I have found it is not uncommon for people to come to realisations about their sexual orientation latter in life. Most of course come to it much earlier when the hormones kick in…..but not all.

So genuinely bisexual people will experience all the above with either sex.

So I guess I would ask the question. Can you see yourself falling in love, partnering and spending the rest of your life with a female.

Thank you to both Anthony and Mother Hen for your replies and welcome.

I must say my head has been absolutely spinning over recent weeks – and i am a bit sick of being in my own head space – so it is indeed a blessing that there is such a website as this.

To Anthony – I agree that sexual orientation is far more than sexual activitiy. In looking at your list – love, intimacy, affection, partnering – I recognise that I clearly have a way to go before I can somehow deconstruct the thinking that has thus far prevented me from experiencing any of these things with another person (don’t get me wrong – I have some deep and abiding friendships). Can I see myself wanting to experience these things with a man? I think the answer to that is No.

Can I see myself experiencing those things with a woman… the answer is probably more towards the affirmative. This feels like a huge shift in my thinking – and it amazes me that although I have been having counselling for a few months – that I have seemingly come to this realisation relatively quickly. Kind of like an onion whose layers have slowly slowly been peeled away and then suddenly – there it is the onion! – peeled! revealed! – (at least revealed in my own head – not to anyone else). I have last night finished reading Rev Matt Glover’s thoughtful and insightful “pastoral response to homosexuality in the church” – wow! What a reassurance that was – Oh yes – I know that responses from churches like Matt’s are few and far between – but this has actually galvanised me into action – I am determined to find a GLBT affirming church. I think I need a “soft place to land” – even if this journey of self awareness does not lead me to a same sex relationship – I need to at least figure this stuff out in a church where I can feel safe to figure it out. This also is an amazing and in some ways difficult decision – when only last week I was so determined to stick with my church. I am trying not to act too fast – to give myself time – and then I have a little laugh at myself – hmmm it’s taken me 47 years already! I am also amazed at the way my mind has had to do some real shifing in terms of the way I have thought that mainstream church teaching about homosexuality was “right” and that I was always marching in the “wrong” direction as far as my pro gay stance has always been. It is quite a revelation for me to consider that there is another potential paradigm out there within the Christian community that sees the reading of scripture quite differently. This website, the resources etc – is helping in that regard. Anthony’s book title “a life of unlearning” – seems to fit with me at the moment. On so many levels – I have a lot of “unlearning” to do. Although – the counsellor I am seeing would probably prefer me to use the word “integrate” as opposed to “unlearn”. I thought I would also say how helpful I found Matt Glover’s reference to the 5 stages of coming out (on page 27 of his article) I think I am at stage 1 “pre coming out”. I find my mind racing ahead to issues like dealing with responses from family, work, church…. but that is a LONG way off . Anyway – thanks again.

hope my ramble makes sense

Sarab