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not out still confused 47

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sarab
 
Joined in 2011
January 9, 2013, 22:31

OK – another very big step forward for me tonight. Another amazing development in my journey towards leading a truly integrated and authentic life. Yep! Tonight I came out to my parents. I am actually staying with them for the week in a rented beach house – so I had kind of given myself a deadline to tell them. I have prayed for a long while about the " right opportunity" and of course I rehearsed scenarios in my mind – and it all seemed worse and harder in my mind than the reality. Yes we shed tears – but my mum and dad – both in their 80s gave me nothing but love and support. They both – individually said they wanted nothing more than for me to find love and a partner – whether that be with a " male or a female". They told me how proud they were of me – and what a great person they thought I was and that nothing would ever change their view on that. Dad shook his head in disbelief and sadness when I shared how my former church leader and one of my Christian friends had dealt with my coming out. However I hastened to tell him that not all Christians think like this. My mum hesitatingly asked if the counsellor I'd seen had " led me to think this way" – but I gently reassured her that no – this was who I was. She seemed to accept that. We then all had another glass of wine and a game of scrabble – as you do when your daughter tells you she's a lesbian!! This feels like such a weight off my mind. It's amazing – I feel like I don't care who outs me or who knows what now. I've been kind of protecting my parents from accidentally finding out – so now I don't need to worry about this. I feel liberated! Like a whole new chapter is about to unfold. Yay me!! Thanks again to the f2 be support crew – without whom I probably wouldn't have got this far.

Will continue to keep you posted on the Sarab journey!

Xxx



sarab
 
Joined in 2011
January 9, 2013, 22:31

Mother Hen
 
Joined in 2011
January 9, 2013, 22:37

Wow Sarab that is soooooooooo awesome, wonderful news, thrilled to bits for you. I got goose bumps reading about. Gee girl you are so amazing and never ever let any one tell you different. I'd give you a huge hug if I was right there now. Brilliant news, well done to you and your parents. Say hi to them from me 🙂 You said that your goal this year was to tell your parent's gee you didn't muck around. Full steam ahead for you, nothing holding you back now 🙂


Hugs xx

mrg
 
Joined in 2010
January 9, 2013, 23:45

Nice one!


And thanks for keeping us updated.


Matt

JoAnne
 
Joined in 2012
January 10, 2013, 11:16

Sarab,

So happy for you and what a story to encourage all of us who are still on a journey to know and accept where we stand. Well done and may your journey ahead be full of great news like this one.

I guess you may have to change the title of this post to something else!

JoAnne

Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
January 10, 2013, 21:53

Sarab, congratulations! I am so excited for you! What a way to start the year! 🙂 🙂 🙂 I agree with the comments above. You are amazing and so are your parents! 🙂 How great to receive a response like that from them. May the rest of 2013 be a year of wonder and delight flowing on from this healing and momentous event. 🙂

Blessings,

Ann Maree

sarab
 
Joined in 2011
January 12, 2013, 17:36

Many thanks to Mother Hen, Ann Maree, Matt and JoAnne for your words of support and encouragement.

Yes! It feels like a good way to start 2013. JoAnne – I may indeed need to change the title of my story – perhaps "47, out and only as confused as the next person!"… 🙂 🙂


I continue to take steps forward in connecting up with lesbian groups etc – and am also turning my attention (once again) to sifting through what my faith looks like after quite a bit of re-arranging. I have indeed got to know a much more loving, gracious God than the one I had previously been introduced to and held to. When I read anti gay rants from Christians on facebook or other forums – I simply picture the God in Jesus who stands beside me – before me – behind me and who gets amongst the people in love rather than judgement. I hope and pray that for others reading this that this will be your picture and experience too. God's love for us has no boundaries.

I'll continue to keep you posted – and of course continue to be enormously grateful to all of you.


Sarab x

sarab
 
Joined in 2011
January 29, 2013, 22:24

In the interest of continuing to share my story – which may resonate with others, but which in sharing also helps me to make sense of things – I thought I'd share just one small yet significant issue I am trying to confront. I have already shared on the discussion thread my current thinking about "not wanting to make others upset". Along with this – I am also trying to move aside from, away from, out from under, the negative feelings I have held on to in relation to my previous church experience.


Those who have read my story on this forum will know that I left a church behind as I moved to a new church which is affirming of same sex relationships. If I am perfectly honest I think I have overstated to others and in my own mind, the "rejection" I experienced from my old church. Oh – make no mistake – they were "anti gay". However, I bolted before "push came to shove". I didn't give anyone a chance to openly reject my thinking, my beliefs… to reject me. Yes – I have had one leader openly state to me her beliefs that God planned for man to be with woman and yes.. I have had an anti gay, ex gay ministries book sent to me – yet relative to those on this forum who have really stood in the face of church rejection, I have been very fortunate.


I have in my own mind really developed a story around the big bad old church and the new positive good church. I have been holding on to some negative resentful feelings towards "the church" and I don't want to hold this baggage anymore. I think that I have been holding on to these negative feelings and holding on to feelings of indignation because in some way it better vindicates my decision to step away. I think I need to own my decision a bit more – own it for what it is – rather than attributing blame and resentment to others and to "the church" Does that make sense?


So – I just thought I'd share that this is my current journey – trying to put some perspective around my previous church experience. I am trying not to "demonise" (excuse my choice of word here!) the people from my old church. I feel that I am defensive when I begin to think about meeting these people again or even if I just think about people from the past or past church life – and instead of resentment and defensiveness I'd like to emanate and feel love, assurance, certainty and forgiveness.


So – that's my current prayer and my current internal dialogue and work. I'll let you know how I get on!


Sarab



Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
January 31, 2013, 00:43

That's wonderful, Sarab. Well done! 🙂

Blessings,

Ann Maree

sarab
 
Joined in 2011
April 23, 2013, 21:30

Next little instalment in my journey here. Last night saw me come out to my sister. Yay me! My sister has been herself out for over 35 years – and yet I've held off coming out to her for a variety of reasons. I guess I really needed to sort things out my way and, with family dynamics being the way they are, I didn't want my own journey of coming out to get complicated by my sister and her possible response to this. Anyway, we had a good talk – she and her partner had their own recent "suspicions" around me anyway 🙂 🙂 as they both found it " interesting" that I was hanging around with so many lesbians these days. Ha! She also expressed that she was sad to think I'd had such a tough time as I initially sorted things through and couldn't fathom the ( negative) reaction from some of my former church friends.

Coming out is certainly a continual process – anxiety inducing – and yet thus far my lovely friends and family have continued to be just that – lovely and supporting.

In terms of other updates – I continue to appreciate the community within the uniting church of which I am a part. My faith continues to be " under construction". I regrettably have had the black dog nipping at my heels in recent months – but ( despite being an animal lover 🙂 ) I am doing my best to kick this damned hound out of the picture.

I continue to check into f2be to see how everyone is going – and encourage you guys from the past who have shared your stories to just pop in and let us know the latest ( good or not so good) … You know who you are!!

Sarab 🙂


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