Thanks again Anthony and all,

It does help to know that others like me have taken a long while of denial (or repression or ignorance or whatever) to come to some self understanding/awareness.

I am in my own mind beginning to feel actually quietly assured that I am meant to partner with a woman. My struggle is what to do with this self knowledge now.

It feels like a major realisation has unfolded – that life ahead could be quite different – yet who safe to talk with?

I have identified a church which is GLBT affirming – and have decided to quietly back out of some of my responsibilities at my current church. I am conflicted about leaving my church – yet not confident that remaining is going to be the best thing for me. I would appreciate your prayers and any any advice as to how best to explain to those at my church why I am leaving. I have wondered about going to both churches at the same time for a while – as I can’t yet guarantee i will feel comfortable at the new church. Should I talk with someone at the new church? Or should I just stick with talking with my counsellor – So many questions! Given that I guess I am at this stage only “out” in my own mind – where does this leave me? I have always been outspoken about my pro gay stance in both Christian and secular circles – but is it disingenuous at best or deceitful at worst to remain silent about my own “sexuality” – although I am still grappling with even seeing myself as a sexual being at all. I am curious to hear about other’s “first steps” Thanks

Sarab

Hi sarab

I agree with Mother Hen.

By all means go to 2 churches at once (or more if you like) until you find the right ‘fit’ for you. I think that’s a very good idea. And I agree that it can be very beneficial to take the time to sit with your own sexuality in private and get to really know yourself before sharing this with lots of others. I tend to think that we have a better chance of helping others understand our sexualities (or any other complex aspects of ourselves) if we’ve first taken the time and space to articulate it to ourselves. But then I speak as an introvert and counsellor who does a lot of inward processing before involving others and I respect that this may not be the way for everyone. Regardless of personality types however, I’ve noticed that LGBTI people can be in a hurry to ‘come out’ publicly without having really come out to themselves. In other words, they may have a vague idea that they’re gay according to general ideas about homosexuality without really knowing what that means at a deeper, more personal level. It’s worth exploring that in depth with your counsellor and building your confidence and inner support in the process.

I also agree with Mother Hen that you’ve made a lot of progress in a short time which is amazing. And this does need time to settle and integrate into your sense of self before you rush off gathering more information. You’re doing really well! 🙂

Blessings,

Ann Maree

Hi sarab

You said:

There is at surface level an impatience for “the next step” – whatever the hell that means – sort of an anticipatory feeling – I guess it probably boils down to anxiety… yet I also am telling myself to slow my mind down..

Yes I can certainly relate to having felt that and I’m sure many others here can as well. Once you have some awareness of a big shift within, there’s the natural human desire to want to move immediately into that in the external world. We want results straight away and sometimes we just want to share our newfound awareness with others. I think for many, we do this out of anxiety. We don’t want to feel these uncomfortable feelings anymore so there’s a tendency to move on from them. And sometimes we just don’t want to carry the load alone anymore, and that’s fair enough. We shouldn’t have to be alone with it.

Regarding your friend, it’s good that you find her supportive in other ways. In terms of how much to say to her, how much is necessary/beneficial to say? And to whom? I mean, correct me if I’m wrong, but it sounds as if you have already been “honest” in talking about your potential to be in relationship with women. I agree that it’s a good idea to explore this more with your counsellor before proceeding.

With regards to disclosing to others, the important thing is to feel safe. Anthony Venn-Brown would suggest starting with disclosing to those who are considered ‘low risk’ of rejecting you while leaving the more ‘high risk’ people (i.e. those who are likely to disagree with your sexuality) to last. (And if you don’t want to come out to certain people, you don’t have to). That gives you time to build up confidence to deal with alternate responses to the one you want which is acceptance.

These days I feel comfortable with who I am and no one else’s views will change that. However, there was a time when this wasn’t the case and I needed to stay away from those who might have had a different view about my sexuality. I needed to build up my supports to help me feel OK about my newly discovered sexuality and not risk that being shredded by naysayers. And so for you, my suggestion is along the same lines – that you build up your known supports before you disclose to those who may not understand.

I hope that makes sense.

Blessings,

Ann Maree

Hi Mother Hen

Aww shucks: I’m blushing!

Thanks very much,

Ann Maree

Hello sarab and others. If I could just add some of my thoughts. I am married, no MF sex and I am bisexual. I spent many years trapped and deeply depressed. I found that worshiping God and thanking God for his Grace, helped me get closer to God and find out God’s direction.. I had to take my plight directly to God and bypass the Church for the moment. I was too depressed and frustrated to battle with doctrine. I found a study of law and grace helped me a lot. I have asked God what is right and what is wrong even in the midst of bi relations, believe it or not. God can handle it. I feel at peace and fulfilled up to the point where I crossed the agreed boundaries I set with God in the beginning. I feel it’s different with people in different circumstances.

As for me, I reached agreement with God and my wife over some aspects of bi, but agreed to not go ‘all the way’ as it were. It was when I pushed this boundary a bit, and asked God about it, that I received a rebuke. At least now I know where I am at with God. If I were to share any of this with the Christians I fellowship with, I doubt if they would agree. Sex is the last area most Christians can apply grace and forgiveness to, preferring the ‘safety’ of preaching church law.

Loveisnotsin