not out still confused 47

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Joined in 2011
December 18, 2011, 21:15

Thanks so much Ann Maree – I actually took quite a while to write it. I have been composing bits in my head for a week or so and today drafted it out before actually writing it down properly. On reading it back I was a little bit worried it didn't sound positive enough. I was thinking that I didn't want her to think that my realisation about being gay was all challenge and struggle. However, I just kept it honest and "real" (to coin a phrase!).

I have also had a debate with myself with regards to my asking her not to engage in "debate" with me – am I stymying her right to have her say? I have tossed this around but figured if she feels stymied – hopefully she will tell me so.

I think i think too much about these things!!

many thanks for your encouragement and support

Sarab 🙂

Joined in 2011
December 19, 2011, 07:39

Hi Sarab…

I'm with the others… I reckon your letter shows respect to your friend and to you… if I was your friend, in her place and understanding, and received such a letter I would probably be sad about the direction you are heading, but valued in the friendship, and reassured that you want to keep in touch with me…

Remember, it may take her a while to process some of these things… and also I'm with you.. that if she feels stymied that she will tell you… I wonder whether she will be able to come to you with open inquiry after a while to hear you explain how you understand the Scripture passages… so it can be a time of learning for her…

Well done and hugs


Princess _Fiona
Joined in 2011
December 19, 2011, 18:08

Hi Sarab

Just a short note as I'm not feeling so great in the last week or so (health wise), to let you know I care and am following your progress still. 🙂

Well done on your letter, it shines through your heart and genuine nature. You have come so far, I like Mother Hen can see it from your postings. The fact that you are writing a letter like this says alot to where you are in all this process. Well done sarab for working so hard through all the hard and confusing times and not throwing in the towel. It is amazing that you are in a process to be able to stand authenticially for who you are. There is so much freedom found in that.

I pray that you continue to find answers and peace in this process.

Wishing you a wonderful time during this coming Christmas Season.

Joined in 2011
December 19, 2011, 20:11

Thanks Princess Fiona – and I am sorry you are not feeling so well this week.

I appreciate your encouragement and that of everyone else – thanks Ammi, Mother Hen and Ann Maree too 🙂

I agree – it feels like I have come a long way since I first posted just back in October. So much has happened in my mind, my emotions, I have made some practical steps too. Although it feels fast – I guess I have been sifting through this stuff for many many years. I still can't quite fathom why now? Why 2011? Why not sooner? Why not later? I had always thought I was pretty self aware and pretty "together" ( ha ha) 🙂 but I still can't quite figure myself out on this score.

I posted my letter today and my heart flip flopped a bit as I popped it in the letter box – a little anxious about my friend's response and about upsetting her. Another milestone also in "putting it out there".

Princess Fiona – I will pray you feel better tonight – take care – my thoughts are with you.

I have also just ordered a copy of the book forestgrey mentioned on the discussion forum – "Being gay being Christian" – a bit of holiday reading – might not read that in front of the family!! Now that'd really give them something to think about!! 🙂 🙂


Ann Maree
Joined in 2008
December 19, 2011, 21:28

Hi Sarab

You said:

have also just ordered a copy of the book forestgrey mentioned on the discussion forum – "Being gay being Christian" – a bit of holiday reading – might not read that in front of the family!! Now that'd really give them something to think about!!

Yeah, Merry Christmas family! May your hearts be merry and gay! 🙂


Ann Maree

Joined in 2011
January 2, 2012, 18:40

Hi all,

Just thought I would give a little update as to what's been going on for me.

Things have settled in my mind. Whereas a few weeks ago – the issue of coming to terms with my sexuality, sifting this through alongside faith – all of this was all consuming in my mind.

This is not so much the case now. Life gets on as usual – work to do, shopping, cooking, etc – and somehow integrated into this is a quiet awareness that there could be a partner for me in the future that is a woman. Admittedly, there is self doubt that creeps in about my capacity to meet this elusive person. This is a bit multi layered – ranging from the practical – I move in conservative and very straight circles (if there is such a thing as a straight circle!! 🙂 ) through to the more deep seated – my tendency toward being self contained, self reliant, able to do things "on my own" – I have years of supression to deal with and old habbits die hard. It may be that these are things yet to sort through with a counsellor.

For the most part though – things are travelling along OK. What felt momentous and emotionally overpowering is actually feeling OK. I share this as an encouragement to people reading this (like Syph) that things can settle into a "new kind of new".

I have shared what's been going on with two very long standing friends – one of them a Christian said she would have to get her head around the "faith thing" – but said she actually wasn't overly surprised – as she said my deepest connections have always been with women. The other, equally was very supportive too.

I have not yet heard back from my friend to whom I sent the letter… I will hopefully catch up with her soon… awkward as that may be.

I have for the moment decided against talking with family. No need at this point… and in fact I think the "coming out" to others part for the moment is just quietly done with – until such time as I have a need to do other. I think I have shared all I need to for the moment with those I need to.

My goal for now is to try to find some way of getting back to reading the Bible – and to figure out what faith looks like though this new lens… I have been taking very small steps in this regard.

I still continue to check into this site to see how others are travelling – I appreciate these stories and the encouragement from many of you has provided some sort of cushioning for me over the last few months. Such a testament as I have said before to the way in which community and shared stories can support, heal and encourage.

Oh – and I am still attending the new church – very lovely – an eclectic group of people – quite different from the conservative Evangelical churches I am used to – but has indeed been a "soft place to land". I should also mention I am reading the book "Being Gay being Christian – you can be both" – I have jumped about in the order of reading it – but I am keenly reading the chapter on the Evangelical Church approach to homosexuality – Syph – it may help you too 🙂

I am looking forward to where 2012 might take me – yet keeping this in check with a good dose of reality that a change in circumstances takes action, effort and time.

Cheers 🙂

Sarab xx


January 4, 2012, 17:25


Great to hear that life is settling into some sort of alignment for you. It can be a comforting thing to realise that the world isn't about to fall down around your ears, and to just take the time to accept some of the changes you are making in your life without having to worry about what others might think. I know personally that I always have a tendency to expect the worst in many different situations – I still remember when I went back the second time to talk to my parents – they greeted me at the door and asked how I was, I replied "Well, the world hasn't stopped, like I was expecting it too". The terror I felt at the time is slowly fading, now I guess I'm almost amused by it.

Small steps, but we'll get there in the end. Thanks for the book recommendation, I'll keep it in mind.

Your friend,


Mother Hen
Joined in 2011
January 4, 2012, 17:32

Hi Sarab,

That's wonderful news about sharing your situation with your close friends, wonderful they were supportive of you. You are cruising along really well. No need to rush into anything, you will know when the time is right for your next move. And who knows one day you might just be surprised with someone special in your life. I've learnt the best thing is to not have too many expectations. Just let things happen.

Maybe once you have finished that book you could write a review on it, I'm sure other's would appreciate some feedback back on the book.

Take care.

Ann Maree
Joined in 2008
January 4, 2012, 20:08

Hi Sarab

Congratulations again for the way you are reflecting and allowing yourself space to come out to certain people – if and when you're ready. This feels very measured and healing to me. 🙂

I also liked the way you described that life has adjusted to a "new kind of new".

Mother Hen said:

I've learnt the best thing is to not have too many expectations. Just let things happen.

Now there's some sage advice. That is so true although hard to achieve at times. I guess I've always had a lot of expectations but have noticed that life has become easier when I've relaxed them in certain circumstances. From experience, the more aware and honest I am with myself about my heart's desires, and the more I try to fulfil these without unconsciously pushing them onto others, the more ready I am for relationships and the less pressure I put onto others. These days my aim is to try completing myself rather than expecting someone else to do it. And then the other is just free to be themselves.

Mother Hen also said:

Maybe once you have finished that book you could write a review on it, I'm sure other's would appreciate some feedback back on the book.

Excellent suggestion, Mother Hen! That would be wonderful if you could do that, Sarab, perhaps posting it both here and in the Book and DVDs corner.


Ann Maree

Joined in 2011
January 6, 2012, 18:30

Thanks Mother Hen and Ann Maree

Once I finish the book I will try to put some words together about it for the forum. I am sure there will be others who can deal with some of the meatier theological aspects a little better than I will be able to though.

I liked what both of you had to say about not rushing things, not placing expectations on others and I agree Ann Maree – I need to work on completing myself – no other person could or should do that. I agree too – that it will be helpful to more generally relax my expectations. I have been so driven in the last few months to sort out my emotional and spiritual self that I guess it's time to just slow down a bit. My best friend reminded me that life is now very different for me than it was just a few months back. She said that I had made so many emotional and practical changes that I needen't be so concerned now about "the next step". She said "Things are different… you have been very proactive…you have made changes which will only be good… nothing more to do at this point…"

So yes… that's what I hope to do… just relax a bit….

Thanks to both of you for your feedback and encouragement.

Kind Regards,

Sarab 🙂

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