not out still confused 47

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Mother Hen
Joined in 2011
March 5, 2012, 22:03

Well done Sarab, you really are an inspiration even if you don't feel it at the moment.

Your reply is maybe a tad short, the message is good and clear, fluff it out a bit. Maybe you could say to her you know that you are happy with your life etc etc. As someone once said when the other person knows you are happy with who you are and your life where you are going etc, that makes it easier for them to accept. If she truly wants the best for you then she also needs to accept that you are doing what is right for you.

All the best

Ann Maree
Joined in 2008
March 5, 2012, 22:09

Hi sarab

I don't see it as harsh at all. It's brief and maybe that's what makes it seem harsh to you.. But maybe it's meant to be brief.. Is there more you need to say? Sometimes we can hide behind words..we may use more than we need in an attempt to soften something but then we can get lost within that. And then by comparison, when we state things succinctly, it can seem stark and almost startling.

How does this idea sit with you and is this relevant here?


Ann Maree

Joined in 2011
March 5, 2012, 22:11

hmmm I know what you are saying mother hen – but in actuality I am not 100% happy with my life – it is all still a bit of a struggle so it would seem a bit disingenuous of me to pretend " I am gay and fabulous!' I agree – happiness could be seen as the best argument – but I don't want to pretend everything is A OK when I am still feeling a bit fragile…. – does that make sense?


Joined in 2011
March 5, 2012, 22:48

Ann Maree – you are exactly right. It is short, it is brief -and I considered Mother Hen's thoughts about "fluffing it out' – but you know what?…. I had nothing more to say. Your comment about "hiding behind words" is exactly the conclusion I had come to. There were other sentences and words I had in my first draft – but it was all just fluff…. it was hiding behind words…. and not necessary and not what I wanted to say. I think about my friends who are not Christians – ie do not profess a faith. If I came to them with a struggle or confusion…. they would never come at me with judgement as my friend who has sent me the letter has ultimately done. In composing my reply I ended up thinking… that's it… that's all…. I'm done.

Oh and BTW – to ammi – how could I have forgotten you as part of my support crew!! Thanks also for your ongoing words of encouragement – much appreciated 🙂


Princess _Fiona
Joined in 2011
March 6, 2012, 11:15

Hi Sarab

You know what, I just have to say this, you are one smart cookie 🙂 What I mean by that is this; you take your time in processing all information, sort through what is applicable for you, work out how you can improve things in your life and your approach on issues, always remain teachable an open and your intelligence is plain to see from what I read. I love reading your posting as I have said and I learn a great deal and am reminded of a great deal of life skills in how you share, so thank you for being vunerable as you said and sharing with us all.

Personally I love your letter!!!! Your first sentence shows your understanding of your friend and acknowledgement that it came from a good heart. Next I read in what you said that, although you value your friendship , this isnt going to get you two as friends anywhere in discussing it further. To me it assertively says this isnt open for further discusssion without being harsh at all. Thinks Ann maree is right we do tend to say too much and as I say wrap it in a nice packaging n pretty bow n all the trimmings and the essence of what needs to be said gets a little lost. So to me you have yes wrapped it up nice and presented it well but haven't distracted from what needed to be said, well done.

Warm wishes sent your way and was so happy to hear that you have moved on emotionally (as hard as that was to do at the time) which makes this response to your friend a little less gut wrenching.


Joined in 2011
March 6, 2012, 21:04

Thanks Princess Fiona for the feedback and encouragement 🙂

Now…. maybe I have started to tie a bit of a pretty bow on my letter…. but I have a second draft – and I am deciding between the two.

Dear xxxx

I appreciate that your letter was a hard one to write. Knowing you, I know your motivation is out of concern and conviction.

I have tried to put myself in your shoes, and I can only imagine that my letter to you was a lot to get your head around – particularly as we dont see each other or communicate regularly.

I want you to know that I have some good people around me and some good supports.

I value our friendship and I guess all I can say in response to your letter is that we will have to agree to disagree.

Hope all is well with you

Love sarab

OK – have I smothered my intent with words here?

What do you reckon?

Thanks all!

Sarab x

Mother Hen
Joined in 2011
March 6, 2012, 21:27

Hi Sarab,

I personally like the 2nd version better. I know others have said that sometimes when you use extra words the message can get lost in them. That is true if there is a lot of extra words, too much fluff. But on the other hand using extra words like you have softens the message, but still gets your point across. It's called using a bit of tact, that helps assure the message is received well and does not cause offense. I also think its good that you have told your friend you have tried to put yourself in her shoes, empathizing with her view and possible reaction. Hopefully she will try and do the same.

Anyway that is my thoughts others might disagree. The main point is how to you feel about your second draft?

Joined in 2009
March 6, 2012, 21:32

Quote from sarab on March 5, 2012, 10:01 pm

don't know why my last post is seemingly from "guest" – pretty sure I was logged in… a bit weird…

Without a doubt the strangest bug I have yet seen with this forum software.

I've added you back to your post, though I don't actually know how it happened…yet.

Joined in 2011
March 7, 2012, 07:49

Hey Sarab…

I like the second letter too… it is softer and leaves the possibility for some friendship to be retained… a little clearer.

Well done! It shows how much you care for this friend and your loyalty to those you care about shows through. Let me encourage you that this quality will continue to stand you in good stead as you keeping making your way in the new paths you have chosen… quality people and quality friendships will be attracted to you… bon courage!

with care


Ann Maree
Joined in 2008
March 7, 2012, 13:25

Hi sarab

I agree with the others that the 2nd version is the best. It's still brief and to the point which is great but you reveal something of your understanding of her as well now which is beautiful. Your sentence about putting yourself in her shoes is a valuable addition because it shows your process and effort to be empathic to your friend's views. In effect by doing that, you're emphasising that she is valuable and worth the effort and that's lovely. Secondly, you're modelling the empathic stance that you'd like her to take with you.

I'm interested to know why you've put the sentence in about your supports.. There's nothing wrong with it – I'm just curious about why it's there. Is that for your benefit or because she was worried about you?

Good for you, sarab! I'm really proud of you. 🙂

I think anyone would be so thrilled to have you as a friend.


Ann Maree

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