not out still confused 47

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Joined in 2011
March 7, 2012, 20:55

Thanks all for your feedback.

Anger is not really an emotion that comes across my path in any sort of intense way – yet I think I was a bit angrier when I wrote the first draft of the letter.

Then I started to think about how I have been inside my own head for about 5-6 months in terms of this process of considering and then realising my sexuality, leaving my church, leaving Bible study etc…There has been an enormous amount of thought, angst, inner debate, seeking, consulting (thanks all at f2be and my new church!), reading, some praying… sifting, confronting, integrating, counselling,….. crying, reconciling, some healing…. the list could go on….

For my friend however, she's not been inside my head or on this journey with me. She and I live in different parts of the State now. So, what I imagine she sees has been me making some enormous leaps in what may seem to her a short space of time which just don't sit with her theology or world view. This led me to think what it must be like for her.

As for why I included the comment about my supports and friends – the reason is perhaps a bit layered. My friend said in her letter to me that I needed to be around "other Christians who also believe God's word to be the ultimate truth… otherwise it is easy to water down the truth and make it 'my truth' but not God's truth"…. This whole statement actually irritated me as it again felt like a judgement about the church I am going to and the supports I have sought out. Maybe an over reaction on my part – but nonetheless how I felt and feel.

So in essence I wanted to say to her "well actually #@*! you and your suggestion to meet with your sort of "Christians" – I have found some wonderful people and they are doing the job just fine!

I think you'll agree, the way I have actually framed it in the letter is a bit more restrained than the way I have put it above!!! 🙂

I also more simply just wanted to reassure her that I am not completely on my own – it's OK…. don't worry…. I have got some people around me.

Thanks again all,


Princess _Fiona
Joined in 2011
March 8, 2012, 04:30

Hi sarab

Told you , you were a smart cookie. 🙂 Its totally up to you which version you send, as I said before I wasnt going to comment on what to put in the letter. Both sound fine to me, perhaps second shows more empathy and grace towards your friend. Your right noone knows the struggles that happen when we are alone and the battle in our soul n spirit that takes place..

Okay firstly needs to say again I am a thinker and perhaps way to much at times (analytical). Think it comes from my upbringing as my dad drummed into me this "engage brain before engaging mouth", must of heard that like a 100 times. lol

So with that in mind, I did go back and read your first letter to your friend just to refresh with how you did respond to it. I also read right back to your first posting that talked on you recieving a parcel in mail (the book) from your friend. Not wanting to throw a spanner in works here but wanted to ask you something, as I couldnt find a referance to my question. Did your friend just post you the parcel that contained the book with no note or letter attached about it or was there a letter from her? Just wanted to know how your friend first approached this with you.

I understand from rereading, it was the case that your friend had put things together from months back as you said,

A very dear old friend of mine and I had a conversation a long while ago where I shared with her that I was seeing a counsellor around dealing with how it was that I have ended up alone

.and also pieces were added in her mind with a more recent conversation of you going to a new church. You have also noted that

She is a much loved friend – and comes from an evangelical Christian background


I myself am piecing together (please correct me if I'm assuming to much) from what you have said a long history with this friend and a much loved one. You recently noted that you are no longer close by one another is in physical distance, that does change friendships to a degree. Of course its hard for your friend to truely know your inner struggles (as noone can but you) but also she hasnt seen your in person for a while so really cant have much of an idea of the effects that struggle had on you. Would like to think in a perfect world she would of stopped and thought on how things might of been for you, especially after knowing you for so long and your character. Might of stopped her from making the church comments especially. Admits I had a chuckle with your comment on that of what you could of said. Your human sarab and these things are never easy to deal with and tackle.

I think you did show in your first letter enough of what it was like for you without saying to much.

It has been at times a painful and challenging process,

You showed in your first letter that you hadnt just arrived that this revelation overnight, she did know afterall that you were seeking counselling. You also acknowledged that it was difficult to raise a sensitive issue with a friend. You thanked her for her care and concern. I could go on… know what you wrote in it…in reading back and sitting here spending time thing of it and how I would of felt, I'm not surprised you were a little angry in recieving the recent letter from your friend. I also dont do anger well (am thankful for that it also doesnt sit right with me) and I do process it as quickly as I can and always end with forgiveness despite someone actions/ignorance etc. Its a good thing you acknowledged that anger though and have revised your second letter as you feel it came from that anger. Anger in itself isnt a sin as I believe its what we do with it that is most important.

I just wanted to remind you that you did handle your first letter with integrity, honesty and were opened. I am sure you will this time in your second letter, no matter which you choose to send.

With much respect and hugs (can't forget them :))

Just a footnote. As I was about to hit submit, was reminded of two things, (rarely happens in last 8 years that a scripture comes to mind) Jesus answer to how many times you should forgive a brother. Also the dialogue of Job and his so called friends in fact whole story of Job.

Joined in 2011
March 8, 2012, 14:52

Hi Princess Fiona

Have decided to send the second version of my letter today.

Thanks for thinking and pondering on things for me – even if it was at 4.30AM (!! 🙂 )

And thanks – it was actually good to be reminded that my first letter to my friend was handled with some sensitivity and integrity.

I don't mind answering your question at all.

My friend and I had had some sort of conversation last year (I think) about me seeing a counsellor. It was early days and I hadn't really even begun to bring the issue of being gay to the fore (to myself) at all. However, I had said to her that I thought I should begin to look at how it was that I had ended up being alone and some of those suroounding issues.

A little while after that we had another conversation on the phone. By this stage I was into the process of coming out to myself and had already made the decision to change churches. My friend – pieced things together largely on the strength of me identifying the church I was going to.

Anyway, we had aanother conversation when she said "I think I have pieced things together…. I have a book which may be of some help to you… I wondered if you'd mind if I sent it?" -neither of us named "the elephant in the room" at that stage, but I said "sure, you are more than welcome to send the book". When the book came, there was just a small note attached along the lines of "sorry if I am not on the right track with this, but if not, it's always good to know of the struggles others are facing, love xxx"

And so that really has been the extent of our correspondence – other than Christmas presents exchanged in the post in between and the odd text about nothing much.

Hope you are OK – obviously you weren't feeling too well this morning to be up at that time xxx

sarab xx

Mother Hen
Joined in 2011
March 19, 2012, 14:50

Hi Sarab,

How are you going? How are things for you at your new church?

Just letting you know I am thinking of you.

God Bless

Joined in 2011
March 19, 2012, 18:54

Thanks Mother Hen!

Nice of you to touch base.

I continue to read the stories of others on the forum – and sometimes put my 2 cents worth into the mix here and there.

Things are actually OK for me at the moment.

I have had a number of health issues to deal with – and it has been a bit of a tangle to work out what has been emotional, what is actually illness… I thought I may have actually had a reactive depression to everything that i have been processing – but it now seems to be pointing towards a reaction to a particular antibiotic that is linked to depression in some people. (strange but true). I was at a very low ebb – and yet now a week or two after finishing a last course of this antibiotic – I am feeling much much better. This is just by way of explaining some of the things that have been going on with me.

As for church – well Mother Hen it is an absolute blessing and a God send.

It has played a significant part in my being able to each day begin to own and name for myself a new story.

A story that enables me to be the person I need to be.

I have received a lot of support from the minister of the church – and I have begun to discuss with her my need to begin to reframe some of my previous theological understandings. Not only have I been getting my head around my own acceptance of myself as being interested in women – I am also beginning that process of figuring out things like "how do I view the Bible?" "what language do I use to articulate my beliefs?" Some of the old paradigms don't fit anymore. I am doing a bit of reading – and there's a whole lot of shifting and reframing going on. All a bit exhausting – yet necessary.

I have begun to feel a bit more brave about sharing a bit of my story or in coming out to people at church as appropriate. Have talked with one other person and also feel fairly confident about just being upfront with others if and when the need arises.

It is a very community focussed church – so there have been many opportunities for dinners and get togethers. Just being with people who I know are not going to judge me or condemn me – and who are like minded in terms of politics, life outlook as well as having a faith – is very healing. I must say though I have moved from what was was a pretty conservative evangelical background into a very progressive liberal framework – so sometimes my head is spinning – yet ultimately in a good way. Each week at church I feel like am being "deprogrammed" 🙂 🙂

I caught up with an old friend today – have known her since high school. she is gay – and I was one of the first people she came out to almost 25 years ago. Now it was my time to come out to her. We both had a wry smile. She was not at all surprised – and was pleased that I was prepared to do what was right for me. She said she had long wondered how it was that I had continued to attend the conservative church I had been involved in when she knew that I needed to be with different people. She even reminded me that i had told her about some crush on a woman I had had almost 20 years ago – well I certainly didn't remember that – but there you go. She said she didn't put much stock in labels "gay" "straight" whatever…. we talked about the fluidity of sexuality and we decided that some of us are indeed just a bit "queer" 🙂

So that's my update – I still have a way to go – sometimes do feel a bit overwhelmed – (mainly becuase of the fact that all this stuff around sexuality and theology has been so profound – yet mainly carried alone as there are not a lot of people I can talk to about this) yet I continue to find support in the church, through f2be, through my best friend – also still see the counsellor from time to time.

Thanks again,

hope all is well with you

sarab xxx

Mother Hen
Joined in 2011
March 20, 2012, 10:57

Wow Sarab, things are certainly progressing along nicely. Previous beliefs, sexuality, theological understandings etc are all things that take time to change. You have had these for a long time, they won't change over night. Once it is clear that things are not as black and white as we once believed it opens the door for change. You have certainly opened that door.

Your new church sounds wonderful, just what you needed. It's a pity there wasn't more churches like that, times are a changing though. It's so wonderful that you have the support of the minister and others. Sound's like it's a church with some really good fellowship, something that can be lacking in a lot of big churches. Good on you for starting to open up and share more about yourselves with other's. I guess it makes it all the more real and it also takes a lot of courage.

That's a beautiful story about your long term friend who is also Gay, funny how things come about, change etc. It really seems like you are starting to get a good base of friends who are accepting you for you, that's really wonderful.

All good this end, did come down with a cold from the Sydney/Mardi Gras, all three of us, me, hubby and our son came down with about the same time. Lucky it only latest a few days.

God Bless

Joined in 2011
August 21, 2012, 22:01

Hi all,

well it's been a while since I shared on my own thread – although I have chipped in here and there across the forum.

I wondered if I might ask for your thoughts and prayers this week as I hope to take another concrete and for me brave step in my journey of coming to understand and come to terms with myself as a gay woman.

This week I contacted the gay and lesbian counselling telephone line with a view to finding out more about a women's "coming out group". I am planning to attend a meeting this week – and I feel quite anxious – yet also kind of determined and positive about it. It's a group for women at all stages of coming out process – even those who still identify as straight but may be questioning their sexuality.

I share this as firstly a way of letting you know that this damned process still continues…. step by step I feel like i keep propelling myself forward. I have had some very difficult moments (read earlier parts of my thread!) – but also – even if I do say so myself, I am pretty proud of the way I have worked at letting go of past negative patterns and to begin to be open to newer possibilities.

I also share this as I would really appreciate your prayer as I head off to this coming out group. Please pray that I would not chicken out… that I will not be too anxious… and that there may at least be another couple of "older" women – so I don't feel like a complete alien!!

manyn thanks in advance for your prayers – I hope to let you know how it goes.

Sarab xxx

Ann Maree
Joined in 2008
August 21, 2012, 22:21

Hi Sarab

I hope all goes well and will be sending you positive energy. I don't know if it helps but if I'm fearful or anxious I remember that 'this moment is perfect' and 'everything I need is in this moment'.


Ann Maree

Joined in 2011
August 22, 2012, 21:13

Many thanks for these lovely words Ann Maree – I actually find them very helpful and will certainly be saying them to myself tomorrow evening.


Joined in 2011
August 23, 2012, 09:19

Have been thinking of you too sarab. Trust the time goes okay and is even helpful. I admire your courage, even though I know it doesn't feel like you have much just now. Let us know how things go.

Take care, mate


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