Thanks all for your feedback.

Anger is not really an emotion that comes across my path in any sort of intense way – yet I think I was a bit angrier when I wrote the first draft of the letter.

Then I started to think about how I have been inside my own head for about 5-6 months in terms of this process of considering and then realising my sexuality, leaving my church, leaving Bible study etc…There has been an enormous amount of thought, angst, inner debate, seeking, consulting (thanks all at f2be and my new church!), reading, some praying… sifting, confronting, integrating, counselling,….. crying, reconciling, some healing…. the list could go on….

For my friend however, she's not been inside my head or on this journey with me. She and I live in different parts of the State now. So, what I imagine she sees has been me making some enormous leaps in what may seem to her a short space of time which just don't sit with her theology or world view. This led me to think what it must be like for her.

As for why I included the comment about my supports and friends – the reason is perhaps a bit layered. My friend said in her letter to me that I needed to be around "other Christians who also believe God's word to be the ultimate truth… otherwise it is easy to water down the truth and make it 'my truth' but not God's truth"…. This whole statement actually irritated me as it again felt like a judgement about the church I am going to and the supports I have sought out. Maybe an over reaction on my part – but nonetheless how I felt and feel.

So in essence I wanted to say to her "well actually #@*! you and your suggestion to meet with your sort of "Christians" – I have found some wonderful people and they are doing the job just fine!

I think you'll agree, the way I have actually framed it in the letter is a bit more restrained than the way I have put it above!!! 🙂

I also more simply just wanted to reassure her that I am not completely on my own – it's OK…. don't worry…. I have got some people around me.

Thanks again all,

Sarab

Hi Princess Fiona

Have decided to send the second version of my letter today.

Thanks for thinking and pondering on things for me – even if it was at 4.30AM (!! 🙂 )

And thanks – it was actually good to be reminded that my first letter to my friend was handled with some sensitivity and integrity.

I don't mind answering your question at all.

My friend and I had had some sort of conversation last year (I think) about me seeing a counsellor. It was early days and I hadn't really even begun to bring the issue of being gay to the fore (to myself) at all. However, I had said to her that I thought I should begin to look at how it was that I had ended up being alone and some of those suroounding issues.

A little while after that we had another conversation on the phone. By this stage I was into the process of coming out to myself and had already made the decision to change churches. My friend – pieced things together largely on the strength of me identifying the church I was going to.

Anyway, we had aanother conversation when she said "I think I have pieced things together…. I have a book which may be of some help to you… I wondered if you'd mind if I sent it?" -neither of us named "the elephant in the room" at that stage, but I said "sure, you are more than welcome to send the book". When the book came, there was just a small note attached along the lines of "sorry if I am not on the right track with this, but if not, it's always good to know of the struggles others are facing, love xxx"

And so that really has been the extent of our correspondence – other than Christmas presents exchanged in the post in between and the odd text about nothing much.

Hope you are OK – obviously you weren't feeling too well this morning to be up at that time xxx

sarab xx

Thanks Mother Hen!

Nice of you to touch base.

I continue to read the stories of others on the forum – and sometimes put my 2 cents worth into the mix here and there.

Things are actually OK for me at the moment.

I have had a number of health issues to deal with – and it has been a bit of a tangle to work out what has been emotional, what is actually illness… I thought I may have actually had a reactive depression to everything that i have been processing – but it now seems to be pointing towards a reaction to a particular antibiotic that is linked to depression in some people. (strange but true). I was at a very low ebb – and yet now a week or two after finishing a last course of this antibiotic – I am feeling much much better. This is just by way of explaining some of the things that have been going on with me.

As for church – well Mother Hen it is an absolute blessing and a God send.

It has played a significant part in my being able to each day begin to own and name for myself a new story.

A story that enables me to be the person I need to be.

I have received a lot of support from the minister of the church – and I have begun to discuss with her my need to begin to reframe some of my previous theological understandings. Not only have I been getting my head around my own acceptance of myself as being interested in women – I am also beginning that process of figuring out things like "how do I view the Bible?" "what language do I use to articulate my beliefs?" Some of the old paradigms don't fit anymore. I am doing a bit of reading – and there's a whole lot of shifting and reframing going on. All a bit exhausting – yet necessary.

I have begun to feel a bit more brave about sharing a bit of my story or in coming out to people at church as appropriate. Have talked with one other person and also feel fairly confident about just being upfront with others if and when the need arises.

It is a very community focussed church – so there have been many opportunities for dinners and get togethers. Just being with people who I know are not going to judge me or condemn me – and who are like minded in terms of politics, life outlook as well as having a faith – is very healing. I must say though I have moved from what was was a pretty conservative evangelical background into a very progressive liberal framework – so sometimes my head is spinning – yet ultimately in a good way. Each week at church I feel like am being "deprogrammed" 🙂 🙂

I caught up with an old friend today – have known her since high school. she is gay – and I was one of the first people she came out to almost 25 years ago. Now it was my time to come out to her. We both had a wry smile. She was not at all surprised – and was pleased that I was prepared to do what was right for me. She said she had long wondered how it was that I had continued to attend the conservative church I had been involved in when she knew that I needed to be with different people. She even reminded me that i had told her about some crush on a woman I had had almost 20 years ago – well I certainly didn't remember that – but there you go. She said she didn't put much stock in labels "gay" "straight" whatever…. we talked about the fluidity of sexuality and we decided that some of us are indeed just a bit "queer" 🙂

So that's my update – I still have a way to go – sometimes do feel a bit overwhelmed – (mainly becuase of the fact that all this stuff around sexuality and theology has been so profound – yet mainly carried alone as there are not a lot of people I can talk to about this) yet I continue to find support in the church, through f2be, through my best friend – also still see the counsellor from time to time.

Thanks again,

hope all is well with you

sarab xxx

Hi all,

well it's been a while since I shared on my own thread – although I have chipped in here and there across the forum.

I wondered if I might ask for your thoughts and prayers this week as I hope to take another concrete and for me brave step in my journey of coming to understand and come to terms with myself as a gay woman.

This week I contacted the gay and lesbian counselling telephone line with a view to finding out more about a women's "coming out group". I am planning to attend a meeting this week – and I feel quite anxious – yet also kind of determined and positive about it. It's a group for women at all stages of coming out process – even those who still identify as straight but may be questioning their sexuality.

I share this as firstly a way of letting you know that this damned process still continues…. step by step I feel like i keep propelling myself forward. I have had some very difficult moments (read earlier parts of my thread!) – but also – even if I do say so myself, I am pretty proud of the way I have worked at letting go of past negative patterns and to begin to be open to newer possibilities.

I also share this as I would really appreciate your prayer as I head off to this coming out group. Please pray that I would not chicken out… that I will not be too anxious… and that there may at least be another couple of "older" women – so I don't feel like a complete alien!!

manyn thanks in advance for your prayers – I hope to let you know how it goes.

Sarab xxx

Many thanks for these lovely words Ann Maree – I actually find them very helpful and will certainly be saying them to myself tomorrow evening.

Sarab