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not out still confused 47

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sarab
 
Joined in 2011
October 7, 2012, 21:36

Thanks Mother Hen, Ammi and Ann Maree for your words of support and encouragement. 🙂

Living between two worlds – feedback wanted!

I have a question which I'd like to put out there as I am keen to hear from others as to how they manage(d) this situation.

As I begin to make some more affiirmative steps such as hanging out with other gay women – going to support groups, discussion groups etc – I am becoming increasingly aware of what feels to me like a "disconnect" or a divide between what I am beginning to see as my "two worlds". I guess it's sort of a coming out question and I know from having read on this forum before that coming out is a life long process – ie crops up all the time. I had lunch recently with two former work colleagues who have become friends. One of them shared openly about some sad things going on in her own life – and we all shed some tears for her. When the conversation turned to me – "so what's going on for you?" I could have shared about what's been going on – yet I chose not to. This troubles me as I feel that this kind of holding back can't go on forever and will get in the way of friendships and relationships becoming deeper. I don't want to be a "holding back person". I want to live with a bit more integrity than that. I have also been contacted by two women with whom I went to church (two or three churches ago) many years ago. I bumped into one of them about 5 or 6 months ago and she has contacted me to see if I'd like to join them for a get together. I have said yes – but again… I am troubled. The past nature of our get togethers has seen us sharing about our lives. I am strangely not all that worried on my behalf about telling them what's been going on. However, I know that they will be confronted and challenged by my sharing about being gay, about going to an affirming church – I'm not overly close to these women so if they choose to reject me – I can live with that – however I don't want to make them feel awkward or uncomfortable either. Maybe some of these issues feel like I am going over old ground… yet it feels new. I am in a much clearer stronger space. I am beginning to be out – at least amongst other lesbian women, and so I don't want to be the person who makes other people uncomfortable – yet I also want to live honestly and with integrity. Am I making any sense here? I know we have discussed on the forum before about coming out when it "feels safe" to do so. I kind of feel now that I can't keep self censoring – and there's a part of me that maybe I should just say when asked "how was your night?" that I should just say "I went to a women's discussion group last night" – and if the conversation goes on from there that I should just be upfront and say "oh – it's for gay women…" and just see where that takes me…

So – how have other people dealt with thiis "living between two worlds" thing? Any words of wisdom appreciated.

Thanks

Sarab



Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
October 7, 2012, 22:10

Hi Sarab

Yes I can relate to your dilemma from past experiences.

Here's a few things for you to consider.

How much do you want to catch up with the ladies who made contact with you? How much do you need to reveal to them, and why? Will that bring you closer or create distance? And do you want that?

In terms of their discomfort, you can't control that. The only thing you can do is consider your purpose for revealing aspects of yourself, the possible consequences and what you think might be gained. Also how will you feel, and would anything be lost, if their responses are negative? I agree – it's good to be open and true to yourself and you can do that in stages or all at once. You could also throw out some clues before you meet up and see what responses you receive.. You can then guage whether they are high risk or low risk of accepting you and whether that matters. That might help you decide whether it's worth the risk to put yourself out there or not. Living with integrity can be done in lots of different ways; it's not always about being transparent. It's important to consider what will benefit you most and how you are likely to best achieve that..

Blessings,

Ann Maree



Mother Hen
 
Joined in 2011
October 8, 2012, 17:25

Hi Sarab,


I think Ann Maree has given you some great advice and food for thought.


I encourage you listen to your own body, if something is telling you to hold back listen to that, there is often a very good reason. I think you can tell the difference between that and just some nerves. Maybe in this situation the timing just wasn't right. Whatever the reason listen to the little voice inside you.


I will certainly be praying for you 🙂



sarab
 
Joined in 2011
October 8, 2012, 20:53

Thanks Mother Hen and Ann Maree,

Ann Maree thanks – yes – It's helpful to be reminded that I can't control another person's discomfort – thanks for that.

I also really like the framework of considering what might be lost and gained… I think I am finding that when I am open and honest I gain a little of my own integrity back and also gain an inner strength. The question you ask about what might be lost if their response is negative is a great one. It has really given me pause to reflect. I think there's a part of me that can say – no nothing much will be lost, but I also think I may find it challenging to deal with at the time.Maybe I will lose a little composure!!

Mother Hen, yes perhaps rather than thinking too far in advance I should just let my body be my guide.

I guess this one example of an upcoming meeting with women from the past is just one small part of what feels like a bigger picture. This bigger picture feels like a real split between worlds – and I am not comfortable with this. Sure, there will always be parts of our lives that we keep separate from each other, however, I resent and feel uneasy about what feels like deliberate holding back on aspects of my life – going to a women's discussion group (albeit a lesbian women's discussion group), drinks with new friends (who happen to be gay women…). I guess really in sifting through all this I am just gearing myself up to become a bit more candid about these things.

If any others reading thIs have stories to share about how you began to merge the "two worlds" – I'd love to hear them.

Thanks

Sarab



Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
October 8, 2012, 20:57

Hi again Sarab

Mother Hen is right! You are intuitive and connected, able to listen to your inner guidance so make use of that gift. Stay in the present and honour what your body, emotions, thoughts, inner voices and senses tell you. 🙂

Blessings,

Ann Maree



Amila
 
Joined in 2012
October 9, 2012, 23:45

Hey Sarab,


You've got some wonderful advice from the others and I'd just like to add to that by saying something the psychiatrist my dad took me to told me…

" Let it dawn on you what path you need to take" … Its so strange how most of the times the answers for our questions are already in us.. just that we need to sit down shut all the other surrounding voices and listen… You were one of many people who helped me with my coming out to my parents and I pray and hope that God will help you in your journey to find who you truly are….. 🙂


God Bless you

Amila



Mother Hen
 
Joined in 2011
October 10, 2012, 08:17

Hey Sarab,


I was wondering if you would get a greater response to our question in you started a new topic under discussions, that way it's easy for people to see rather than lost in this existing post. What do you think Ann Maree?


Also some great words of wisdom from Amila 🙂



ammi
 
Joined in 2011
October 11, 2012, 15:31

Thank you so much sarab for starting a very interesting discussion – and I like the idea of putting the question under the discussion part of the forum too… so that more people may be able to access it…


I am still a long way from merging my two worlds – have signed up for a lesbian 'exploring your sexuality' group at a neighbourhood house starting in a couple of weeks. Don't know if they will get enough people yet or not…. but have checked out Open House in Melbourne too and there is a group that meets… I will follow that up too…


I am comfortable about sharing this news with a few of my close friends – but to most people I am still in the closet – I look forward to hearing what others have to say about integrity in living – as the 'coming out' process continues.


Bless you sarab!

ammi



Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
October 11, 2012, 17:18

Yes it's a good question and lots of people will have different experiences of integrating their two worlds and the coming out process. Regarding how integrity sits with that is a personal thing. As I said before, I think integrity involves more than being open.. I think it's also about how we care for ourselves, how we honour our inner nudgings, whether we practice what we preach, honouring our own beliefs and values, being consistent, trustworthy and many other things..

By all means, you could post this question in the discussion section also, and maybe expand on it a bit to bring out different responses.

Blessings,

Ann Maree



sarab
 
Joined in 2011
October 11, 2012, 23:56

Many thanks to Amila, Mother Hen, Sarab and Ann Maree…

you are all very encouraging.

I have – as suggested – reposted this in the discussion section.

Regards,

Sarab


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