not out still confused 47

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Youth Coordinator
Joined in 2008
November 8, 2013, 15:44

Hi Sarab!

I love what you said here:

So still early days – and whereas I have described myself to her as a "processor" – she would say ' "just jump in, there are no guarantees in life…but it may be worth the risk". I have a few friends to talk things through with to help me gain some clarity – but at this stage – I'm jumping in and it feels really lovely.

It's an exciting time for you and I agree with Motherhen. You have come so far in your journey and we are very excited for you. Have fun and enjoy it! 🙂


Chapter Leader
Joined in 2009
November 10, 2013, 23:11

Dear Sarab,

Glad you found this online community 🙂 What a journey you're in right now and it sounds like you're dealing with all these mixed emotions with as much thought, reflection, excitement and a wise head.

One of the things I personally found helpful during my coming out journey (which may not be the best option for everyone) is I joined the Pink Sofa ( It's a dating website but it's also a community where you find out about events in your area, can join discussion forums about topics that you are interested in, etc) I don't recall reading anywhere in the thread as to where you are from but the Pink Sofa is worldwide.

As I started to feel like i needed to dip my toes in and just have a bit more of a personal experience about 'what this is all about and what it really means', I joined the website and slowly started chatting and eventually having coffee with some of the girls there. I joined purely for connection purposes and to extend my social circle to women who are also attracted to women/gay women/lesbians/other women (whatever label you want to use or no label at all). I found it quite an empowering experience as it was really like putting theory into practice (while trying to be sensible about the whole journey). Many of the girls I met online are still good friends to this day. Looking back, it was the best decision for me as it gave me the opportunity to get to know myself, my own reaction and what i'm like around other lesbians. Some connections were hit and miss (but it was those experiences that really taught me about my own expectations and about managing my own emotions).

Some of the options you can select in your profile are 'out', 'out to some', 'not out'. In a way, this ensures that other women are aware about where you are at and it also means that you are not setting unnecessary expectations when and if you decided to meet face to face…or even when you just say 'hi' or 'smile' to someone.

There are also many women there who have come from faith background and if you specify this in your profile you are most likely to get connected with those women.

Of course you have to be cautious and be wise about the connections you are making, but you sound like a wise woman anyway 🙂

In fact before I really delved in, I lurked for a couple of years around the time when I started to question my sexuality. Lurking gave me the opportunity to read stuff and just get familiar with the website. I also bought lots of books on dating (how was I supposed to know what dating means in girls' world?).

Having said all these, you may not be ready for this phase yet but I just thought I'd put it out there. Maybe just cut and paste this post and 'unearth' it when you feel ready.

As AVB said, for many of us the whole coming out process can take years (or decades). I started really questioning my sexuality in my late teens but I have been 'aware' that something is different about me since i was around 6. I didn't come out till I was in my mid-30's.

All the best to your coming out journey. There will be many more tears to shed, many more questions to come but the fact that you have come to this point means that you are stepping towards a life of freedom. The level of freedom I experienced when I finally came out was priceless.

Welcome to the family!

With much respect and appreciation for your journey,


Chapter Leader
Joined in 2009
November 10, 2013, 23:15

Hi again Sarab,

I didn't realise I haven't read the full thread! I just read that you've met someone online. What more can I say. You can ignore my previous message. Good for you! Go well and enjoy the next phase of the journey 🙂

Take care,


Joined in 2011
November 12, 2013, 22:29

Hey thanks Ben, Mother Hen, Ann Maree, Miss Muppet, Ammi and Hannah,

Really appreciate your encouragement.

I am learning to sit more in "the now". That is holding me in good stead as I just enjoy spending time with she who will be known here as "Ms H". 🙂

I simply cannot believe the changes that have occurred in my life in the last two years.

For those on this forum – who are feeling stuck – or wondering how life might change for you – I can attest to the fact that gathering supports around you (friends, professional help, online support etc) and taking brave and courageous steps forward can well mean the difference between remaining in a hole or getting out of it and seeing the sunshine.

There's always hope amidst what may seem like the darkness.

Sarab x

Ann Maree
Joined in 2008
November 18, 2013, 07:14

Thanks Sarab. Great to hear the update and reflect on your journey.

Keep up the living in the now.


Ann Maree

Joined in 2011
January 1, 2014, 20:00

Happy New Year to the f2be community.

I enter this New Year in an entirely new way… For the first time I enter the year with a lovely and amazing partner in my life.

When I logged on to f2be in 2011, I never imagined that this would be where I'd find myself.

When I was struggling back then with coming to terms with "potentially" being gay (smile) – Anthony VB asked me on the forum whether I could see myself falling in love, partnering and spending the rest of my life with a female. He also talked about sexual orientation being about love, intimacy, affection, partnering and companionship. Back then I remember thinking " could I see myself experiencing all those things with a man?" Well, the answer was no.

Now – It is indeed so wonderful to be enjoying all these things in their early stages with a very special woman.

Things have been going well between us. Despite vastly different schedules – and navigating the perils of coordinating a day worker and a night worker – and where sleep fits into all of this – we are really enjoying being with each other.

I have taken many brave coming out steps – including the face book "relationship status update" – photo and all – I am well and truly living an out and proud life.

I have come out to a number of colleagues at work – and undoubtedly the fb update will surprise a few more people! 🙂

I have done lots of clear and careful thinking about what this means for me. I understand that for many, this is a difficult and seemingly impossible option. My sister, for example, because of the nature of her employing organisation, is not out, despite having been in a loving relationship for some time.

I have such a clear notion of wanting to live a life of integrity and openness that I simply couldn't imagine not coming out.

And – It – feels- LIBERATING!! 🙂

Yes – I imagine there may be some fall out at work – as I am the manager of a non profit org – and there are a number of homophobes where I work… sigh… but I will cross that bridge should I come to it.

I have had some great support from a psychologist over the last year – she practises narrative therapy – and we have done a lot of work around re framing some of the stories and ideas I have carried with me over the years.

I have been learning to remain in the present – and this has reaped amazing and surprising rewards as I find myself not constrained by the way I think I "should" be behaving… rather… I am continuing to listen to my heart, mind, body, feelings and thoughts as they are in the present – and responding to that.

Some of my friends have met my new partner – so I am beginning to merge all the worlds together.

I continue to be involved in my church – having taken up a position on the church council and being a loved member of the church community – they are beautiful and amazing people and I am so fortunate to be among them.

I have a sense that this tricky journey of reconciling faith and sexuality has happened to me for a reason – perhaps it's a story that may offer hope to others I meet along the way. Mind you, the process and journey continues as I learn more about myself and continue to figure out what a spiritual, Christian life looks like for me.

Anyway – that's my little update – all going well – lots of changes – lots of new learning – lots of fun and love along the way.

Thanks all at f2be for the help and support you have all given me in the past which has facilitated this amazing shift in my life.

Sarab xx

Ann Maree
Joined in 2008
January 1, 2014, 20:12

Hi Sarab

Thanks for sharing another part of your journey to success. This makes me happy. 🙂 You have worked very hard to be where you are and I am so pleased to see it happen. Congratulations and all the best for a fabulous 2014. 🙂 Your success is such that even if you come across a couple of homophobes, they cannot put a dent in what you have achieved. 🙂

Blessings and Happy New Year to you! 🙂

Ann Maree

Joined in 2011
January 2, 2014, 09:14

Dear Sarab – thanks so much for sharing your story – and congratulations on the joy I read in your post…

So pleased by the supports you have around you and the way you are embracing life…

Happy New Year to you and your partner and I trust that as you both continue to get to know each other and love and appreciate each other that your love and companionship and intimacy will grow and grow and you will feel connected, loved and deeply enriched….

Thanks so much for sharing your journey with us here on F2b – I have appreciated seeing your courage at each step, very much….



Mother Hen
Joined in 2011
January 2, 2014, 09:33

Wow wow wow you amazing courageous women. My heart leaps for joy for you. It has been such a blessing to me and I'm sure to other's to see you grow. To see you reconcile your faith and sexuality, to see you in that loving relationship you never thought possible. To see you come out to your friends, family and co workers. To be with you as you took one step forward at a time. To leave a church you had deep connections, with to move and settle into another and now have deep connections with them. I know being open and honest with those close to you has been very important to you. Something you have struggled with throughout last year and now wow it has all come together.

You are an inspiration to others, your story will give hope and faith to those who are still struggling to reconcile their faith. To those who really don't believe it's possible to be out, to live a life true to themselves, to be in a loving relationship. For those who feel their family and friends will next accept them. Your journey will give all these people hope that they too can find the peace, love and acceptance you have found.

I'm so pleased you shared your story with us in 2011, so pleased you have continued to share your amazing journey. I'm blessed to have been and seen a small part of that.

Love and hugs to you 🙂

Joined in 2011
January 2, 2014, 23:09

Thanks so much to my faithful "support crew" – Ann Maree, Ammi and Mother Hen for your lovely words and feedback. I appreciate the encouragement each of you amazing women has offered me over the last few years.

There have been many more in this f2be community who have also offered encouragement, words of wisdom, and also their own stories which have served to teach me, encourage, humble, and at times overwhelm me.

I have a few words:

1. For those who venture onto this site because you cannot entertain the thought that one can be gay AND Christian – and you seek to proselytize or to condemn those who love God and who identify as GLBTIQ- I encourage you to consider that our God is far bigger and merciful and loving than any of us can entertain – I suggest you consider the log in your own eye first – and I suggest you look at some of the resources on this site that actually deconstruct some of the traditionally held Biblical interpretations about same sex relationships – and perhaps just entertain the thought that there might be another way of looking at things. I'd also like you to know that for the most part, those of us who identify as gay/lesbian/queer – are incredibly ordinary people. I hold down an ordinary job, I am involved in a church, I like to cook for my neighbours, garden, play the piano – Oh and I like a good oaky chardonnay. I also know first hand the tremendous love and grace of God – through Jesus…

2. For those who are lurking on the site – tentatively wondering… "Could I be gay?" If so, what will this mean for my faith? How CAN I be gay and Christian? – well…I want you to know you are not alone. So many on this site have asked the same question. The answer is… Yes… You can indeed be a Christian AND find love in a same sex relationship. Instead of worrying about the judgemental people around you… consider our God who is far bigger, more loving and merciful than anyone we know. And yes – we are indeed made in God's image… so… it's not like God got things wrong… You/we/ are meant to be just as we are…

3. Read the stories of people on this site – there is much to be learnt from the shared stories of others.

4. If you are beginning to go through the process of coming out, or are trying to figure out your faith, along with your sexuality – take the advice that I took from others on this site…. Don't hang out with people who will judge or condemn… seek out people who will affirm and with whom you feel safe.

I think that will do for now!

All the best

Sarab xx

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