Hi sarab

ammi is indeed a gem, regularly showing great insight into the human experience, and empathy for your situation and others. 🙂

You said:

However, I said to my best friend recently that the process of counselling – although painful – kind of made me feel more alive.

That’s exactly what good counselling should do. It’s about forming a true and genuine connection with another and yourself, being warmly accepted and understood in a deep way which may not happen anywhere else. You allow yourself to be vulnerable in someone else’s presence, someone dedicated to being there just for you – it’s a very intimate thing and when that other ‘gets’ you, it’s like a miracle come true. And the acceptance shown by the counsellor eventually becomes internalised as self acceptance. This is one of the most healing things there is. And when that happens, it’s like a door opens to inner resources you might not have seen or considered before and you are naturally motivated and enlivened toward positive change. There’s also the cathartic part of releasing negative emotions in a safe environment which causes there to be room for other experiences. When a shift in our internal world occurs, a weight is literally lifted from us and we have more energy. So it’s not surprising you would feel more alive. I also believe that being more of who we really are, and accepted as such, means we don’t have to have so many defences operating. Our whole beings can relax and not be under the pressure that comes with suppressing who we are. (Perhaps that’s what you were eluding to when you mentioned suppressing your sexuality, intimacy and true connection? And now that you’re acknowledging those areas, you don’t have to work so hard to hide them. From experience, I’ve found that’s a huge relief).

On another note, I hear you saying you like an adrenalin rush. Many people do and that’s OK as long as it serves you. Dr Elaine Aron talks about “sensation seekers” alongside her work with highly sensitive people. Perhaps you can relate with that? Check out http://www.hsperson.com if you wish to know more. And don’t worry – I’m sure there will be plenty of opportunity for adrenaline rushes as you journey on. 🙂

Blessings,

Ann Maree

Hi sarab

I’m glad that some of the counselling description rang true. 🙂

It’s not surprising that you would feel tired. On the one hand, your adrenaline rush will be energising in the short term but then often leave you tired afterwards. In a sense you’re moving mountains on the inside and that’s major stuff. The adrenaline in response to anxiety and your new sense of “awakeness” sounds very likely. That’s all normal. Being awake means that you are more actively engaging with yourself, taking in and sorting through a lot of new information. And that requires much concentration and energy. Don’t underestimate the effort required and try to get lots of rest.

Elaine Aron’s types may not be right for you.. However she advises those who absorb or process a lot to ensure they allow themselves plenty of time to rest. And that might be useful for you at this time.

Blessings,

Ann Maree

Hi Sarab, my Christian friends who move in ‘liberal’ circles are cool with it, and go out of their way to encourage and support me in my faith and sexuality. My Christian friends who move in ‘fundamental’ circles initially tried to talk me out of it (tried to save me, pull me from the fire). Once they realised I was resolute they’ve pretty much left the topic alone. I’m pretty sure they’re praying for me, and they expect I will return to the straight path one day. It’s only my dear mother who continues to try to convert me, God bless her! She means well!

Hi Sarab,

There is comment that was made on a post that I started that I thought was relevant to you, when you mention about people being truly concerned for you.

When I come out, I find telling people that I am happy with who I am and/or that life is good for me, helps the person to know how to respond. They may be reeling inside, but at least they can agree with you, move on, and think about it further later.

I think it is a really good point Ian made, if you point out to people this is what you want, what is making you happy, what you need hopefully they will receive it well.

God Bless

Thought I would share that my mind is having a bit of a battle at the moment. 🙁

On a big picture level I have doubts about my capacity to ever meet anyone – to ever be initmate.

On a more immediate level I am anxious about talking to people in my current church about my decision to leave.

I am anxious about their questioning about my reason for doing so. I am anxious that once they cotton onto the fact that it is a fairly liberal progressive, same sex friendly church that they will somehow “be on to me”.

I am distressed about the fact that I have so much going on in my mind… yet can’t share it with anyone.

I have thoughts about my decision to come out to myself as being “rebellious” & “sinful” – (damn – thought I’d moved past that.)

I wonder whether God is waiting for me to “cave in” and tell Him I am just a sinner – and to “return” to Him – which I fear means supression, denial and ignoring true feelings. I don’t want to do this – so I am left feeling like I am wilfully rebelling – which in turn makes me feel anxious. The expression “shifting sand” comes to mind. The church song “Our hope is built on nothing less….. all else is sinking sand”. I keep thinking…. am I building a foundation on sinking sand? I keep praying to God “help me build my hope on you”…

I wish that some Christians who so simplistically express their views about same sex relationships as being wrong and who think that we should just “trust God” – I wish they would know the absolute struggle that people go through. I wish they would know that if we didn’t love God so much or didn’t have faith in Him that it wouldn’t be a struggle – that we’d just live a selfish life. Instead, we decide to put ourselves through the angst of trying to figure out how to best reconcile faith with sexuality. Sigh – this should not be so hard.

I can’t tell you how many times I have said to God in the last few days – “please know – I know you want what is best for me…help me to want what you want for me…” it’s the best most feeble prayer I can offer.

I had a lovely day at the new church yesterday – felt very welcomed – yet subsequently – so many doubts and anxieties.

So – although things have moved forward positively for me to date…. I think this is what we might call a “setback”.

Thanks for praying people as I know you will.

Sarab xx