Hey, Sarab…

My heart is grabbed by your comment here – your journey of anxiety, confusion, questioning, yearning and distress.. Hugs for you!

I wish we could find that transclusent ball of hope for you just now. I know so well what it can be like to be asking those deep and confusing questions again, about whether somehow the positive affirmations of same sex attraction are ‘all made up’…, for the quilt and confusion to set in… especially when you are dealing with your anxieties about your relationships with your friends in your old church. The steps you are taking are HUGE… please know that they are HUGE… and that the grief about the possibility of your more conservative friends not treating your journey with the respect it deserves can be so painful too.

Please know that I am thinking of you just now and lighting a candle in my heart for your courage and sufficient hope and determination to continue to seek your truth. I am learning that it really is true… that ‘the truth sets us free’ — I have a very long way to go, but hold that as a foundational belief.

Hugs, courage and comfort….

ammi

Thought I might share the next little step in my journey.

As I have shared before – I have had some anxiety around talking with people from my existing church about my decision to leave.

I have during the week let one of the women from the church know of my decsion to leave. She is the woman I first shared with about my struggles with sexuality – the same person who said she thinks it’s God’s will for women to be with men. I have not been explicit in telling her yet that I have deliberately chosen a church that is gay friendly – but I am sure she will piece this together. She has naturally expressed her concerns – and I am trying hard just to be grateful for that and just trying to quietly accept that her understanding differs from mine. However, I will gently and hopefully respectfully decline her offer of meeting regularly for “accountability” purposes.

I spent some time talking with my counsellor yesterday about “talking” – I can’t remember exactly how she put it – but I came to understand that talking or sharing honestly – (at a time that is right for me) – will actually help me work through this process. That the sharing and talking itself is part of growth and learning and of moving on.

In talking with the counsellor yesterday – I can see that rather then being an annoying side issue – that the very act of putting my feelings, thoughts and experiences into words – and taking a risk to share them with others – is actually going to help me work through the anxiety that surrounds me. As the counsellor said – the anxiety about sharing of myself is not going to go away by itself. If I am anxious about people’s responses or anxious about having to defend my position – I will continue to stay in this state until I deal with it – at a time of my choosing. She asked me “what might you most like to say?” Hmmm – in my dreams I say that “I have decided to attend another church that is supportive of people in gay relationships – as I have been working through these issues myself. I hope you will trust and accept that this is the right thing for me to do. I’d like to continue to stay in touch – I know you will have some concerns about my decscion – but know that my faith and trust in God through Jesus is secure and firm ”

Well I met for Bible study last night – and while I didn’t exactly say what I said in my dreams (!!) I did say that I had made a decsion to move churches. This was met with surprise – and the inevitable questions about “why”? I talked in generalities about the “demographic” of the church being not so “family focussed” -and that it was quite a diverse community and then I said “there are some factors around this decsion that I don’t quite feel comfortable in sharing – factors that I can hazard a guess that some of you will not agree with” (My heart thumped a bit at this point) 🙂

I said that I planned however to continue meeting with them in the Bible study group. (This has been my intention)

However, through the night – a conversation came up in the group around imorality, people living “in sin” – they skirted around same sex issues…. and I could just feel that same sense that came upon me when I decided to leave the church. As I sat amongst these people – I had no anger – no judgement – just a really strong sense that this would not be OK for me to continue meeting with this group.

I had honestly previously envisaged that I could be happliy ensconsed in my new church – maybe even in the far future – with a partner – and that I could also continue to meet with these women from a more conservative church background. I had imagined that it might be good for me – to keep a foot in both camps.

I know that Ann Maree – you have said before that both views can be held together – and that relationships bewteen people with divergent opinions can be maintained. I am not sure that I am in a space to do this yet. (Mind you, I am not really close or great friends with any of these women… so perhaps that’s where the difference lies.)

And so – yet another major decision made by me in a short space of time. 🙂

Yesterday I was saying to the counsellor “when will all this anxiety and sadness and angst end” – she gently yet somewhat wryly – with a slight smile said “and remind me when you started dealing with all this?”

um – that would be four – five months ago…

“and how long prior to that has it been that you have not thought of yourself as a sexual person?”

um – that would be around 30 years…

OK OK…. so it may take a while longer yet.

So that is the update – having a newer perspective on talking and sharing -along with an awareness that it comes with risk and challenges – yet opportunity for real growth, change and opportunity – has been enormously helpful.

There have of course been some tears shed this morning – tears for yet another big shift. I have met with this Bible study group for a couple of years. Yet – I could also look up some beautiful tall gum trees this morning and say thank you to my creator.

Sarab xx

sarab – as others have said, you are actually doing well on your journey .. .. .. even ‘though it seems hard and confusing at times. What you are experiencing is a common one. BUT, it DOES get better and easier.

If you’ve been around churches for a long time, you will occasionally have heard or read a ‘gutter-to-glory’ testimony where it seems God just snapped the fingers and the person experienced a dramatic conversion. But, for most of us, that conversion journey was one of steps, plateaus, occasional slip-backs, occasional cathartic moments – but a gradual upward journey of understanding, comfort, commitment and growth.

So, with our ‘coming out’ journey. Few of us seem to experience a once-only jump from the closet &/or denial, across to self-acceptance, openness and comfort with ourselves. Mostly it’s a gradual process with ups-&-downs, easy bits & hard bits.

We can see that your overall trend is UPWARDS! You are getting there. You ARE going to get to a place of peace.

God bless.

Hi all,

I will be reading AVB’s thread on “parents your advice needed” with much interest. Weird timing as I was going to ask for similar input from people on this site about talking with/coming out to parents. I have been giving this some thought in recent days.

My parents have always been very welcoming of my sister’s girlfriends over the years – however I know that my mum struggles with it. She has said “I don’t feel comfortable about this… I don’t like it…” Mind you – when mum has expressed this to me I have reminded her that she finds it difficult to think of her children (especially her daughters) involved in any kind of sexual encounter – gay or straight! 🙂

My perception of my parent’s potential reaction has probably played quite a part in my supression of myself as a sexual person over the years.

I was remebering this week that my mum asked me when I was in my late 20s… maybe 30s… “do you think you might be gay?” …. how I wish I had said yes… how different life may have been. Instead I immediately said “no”…. not even sure at that stage myself what was going on.

I have wondered at this point whether it is necessary to say anything to my parents at all – they are in their 80s – and do they need this stress?

However, I am very close to them – and it feels kind of deceitful not to say anything…

I have wondered whether I just wait – if the time ever should come that I meet someone… (waaaay down the track…) do I just wait until then to say something….

I take on Board what Mother Hen has written – that she wishes her son had told her first so that she could have been there to support him during a difficult time… however, I am at a different stage of my life – so while incredibly close to them – I guess thier role in supporting me in day to day matters is not quite as it may have been when I was younger.

I am wondering whether I need to be proactive about this – or just wait…. after all – I have already mentioned that I have shifted church… in time they will probably figure out it is a gay friendly church – and that may of course raise a question…

I should mention that none of my family are Christians – so that’s not an issue.

lots to think about and I would love to hear from people about their coming out to parents… & of course I will be reading the “parents advice needed” thread with interest.

Sarab 🙂

Thanks Mother Hen for your reply.

Yes I agree – my situation in relation to parents is much different from that of your son and the other young man’s – as I am at a different stage of life. Your question as to whether they (my parents) or I would benefit from knowing my situation is a good one.

I guess I will for the moment just let this unfold naturally – I am not in a hurry to say anything at this point to any family members.

As for my parents being accepting of my situation because they have been accepting of my sister’s. Well… yes and no.

Yes – as compared to other stories of outright rejection from parents – I know this wouldn’t happen.

No -as I know they would find it difficult. My mother especially has expressed she is not really comfortable with same sex relationships.

Mum asked me many years ago if I was gay – I guess because I had never had a boyfriend. When I said no at that stage – I think she has just accepted that I have “not met the right man”. It would come as a huge shock now for her to even contemplate that I might also partner with a woman.

I have had a strong history of being pretty open with my parents about what I am doing, thinking and feeling. It feels hard to keep this journey separate from them – yet at this stage I think its best.

Many thanks,

sarab 🙂