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not out still confused 47

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sarab
 
Joined in 2011
December 1, 2011, 21:48

Hi all,

I thought I would share a conversation I had with someone yesterday – someone with whom I have shared my current journey and thinking. She suggested that for the moment, it may be helpful for me to start to think on, meditate on and consider a more loving picture of God. We discussd that instead of my direct focus on how to reconcile my faith and my sexuality that I perhaps just focus on God as a loving God.


I am for the moment going to try to take this on board. You will see from my previous posts that I have been driving forward in my thinking and dealing with my new realisation/uncovering (whatever it is) about my sexuality. I have been quite relentless in terms of seeing a source of anxiety…. and then trying to address it, knock it on the head.


I think there is some wisdom in just being a bit still – and trying to just know that God is God.


That said – I have also since the last time I wrote – been a bit proactive about seeking out people with whom I know my story will be held safely and who can be a potential source of encouragement and optimism.


I have though begun to consider that my view of God and my view of church, fellowship etc – has in itself been quite a source of constraint and resultant suppression of self. Hmmm – tough to rework this or to integrate past views into a newer understanding – but i think that’s my current challenge.


yes…. it is a huge time of growth for me. 🙂


Hope by sharing my thoughts it may in turn help someone else. xxx


Sarab.



Brunski
 
Joined in 2005
December 2, 2011, 11:15

Hi Sarab,

thanks for all your posts, I have “enjoyed” reading them, not the struggle your going through and have been through, but your courage you have to put it all down on paper, so to speak. I have found for myself that writing (typing it) has been helpful for me although, I tend to express myself easier when writing, so perhaps, that’s why.


I can see that in the process of all of this you are growing spiritually and seeking to see God in a different light. That’s precisely what I am doing, it can be a long, slow process at times, but worth it in the end, I believe.


I find myself relating to a lot of what you have written, you said in a previous post Quote; “Mum asked me many years ago if I was gay – I guess because I had never had a boyfriend. When I said no at that stage – I think she has just accepted that I have “not met the right man”. It would come as a huge shock now for her to even contemplate that I might also partner with a woman.

I have had a strong history of being pretty open with my parents about what I am doing, thinking and feeling. It feels hard to keep this journey separate from them – yet at this stage I think its best”.


I totally relate to this, my parents dont know that I am gay although, I think they suspect that I am, they just choose to ignore it and believe that it cant be possible as I have “not met the right woman” and like you,I have had a strong history of being pretty open with my parents well, at least with my mother, about what I am doing, thinking and feeling. It feels hard to keep this journey separate from her and my stepfather, I have almost given up on my father, he is very anti-gay and has said in the past that if I was gay, he wouldn’t want anything to do with me because I would be disgrace to the family 🙁 Anyway, Im getting side tracked, just wanted to say that its good to have you here and this place is somewhere that you will find support, acceptance and friendship, I suspect you have already discovered that :bigsmile: and without a doubt your story as with all the stories here will serve to remind people that they are not alone and I am sure that it will in turn, help someone else. Keep posting and sharing your thoughts, views and struggles I’m sure in doing so you will find a sense of peace and acceptance and will receive many different views and opinions, all non-judgemental and hopefully, some of those will be beneficial to you and others who read them (like me)

Ive been caught up with so many things lately that I haven’t really had time to read many of the posts, sorry about that, but what I have read has been helpful and encouraging. So thanks.


God bless you.


Bruski



sarab
 
Joined in 2011
December 3, 2011, 14:58

Hi there Brunski,

thanks so much for the encouragement. It means a lot to know that I puzzle things out in this public yet respectful community that it may in turn be helping others. In the same way, I have been enormously helped by the stories of others and by the wise and sensitive comments others have made in repsonse to my thoughts and questions.


Yes – the issue of whether or not to say anything to parents (mine are elderly) is a tricky one. I have just taken heed of what many others on this site have said. That I will take my time about coming out – that there's no need to if it doesn't feel right or safe – that I choose the people I share with, & I choose the timing. It may be that I never say anything to my parents – and that decision may be OK too.


I have to say – there are more and more moments for me when I am feeling much more "OK" in my skin as a woman who is gay. (I still get surprised and a little awkward thinking that – let alone writing it!) Oh to be sure – there are other moments too – sometimes moments when I feel completely out of kilter as I experience a world where I am turning my identity upside down in more than one way. However, thanks to the encouragement of a few key people – the church I have found – the people on this site – the future I think could look kind of positive.


I hope and pray this for you too Brunski.


Have a lovely day.


Sarab 🙂



ammi
 
Joined in 2011
December 3, 2011, 15:48

Hey Sarab… so great to hear that you are feeling more comfortable in your own skin. I think the change of focus to a God who loves you, as a theme for your meditation and reading, is a very good one. I know you will find a God who loves you in these new identities that you are discovering about yourself…


Trust you make some connections at your new church tomorrow… meet some nice people… and maybe even have a decent conversation…


Take care today

ammi



Princess _Fiona
 
Joined in 2011
December 3, 2011, 17:07

Hi sarab


I have not long joined this site myself, only a week I think and have found it such an inspiration and encouragement already. Your story has touched my heart. Your are a strong woman, to make so much progress in such a short time. 🙂 Sounds like you have taken onboard what was right for you and have discarded that which would keep you down. Good on you for having the strength to make great steps forward!


So happy for you that you have found a new church and are enjoying that. Fantastic that you have a few people you can now open up to as its great to be lifted up and encouraged by others.


Wishing you all the best in your journey.


Hugs



Brunski
 
Joined in 2005
December 3, 2011, 23:12

Hi Sarab, ammi and Princess _Fiona,


how are you all? I trust you are all well and having a good weekend.


Sarab, you said Quote: Yes – the issue of whether or not to say anything to parents (mine are elderly) is a tricky one. I have just taken heed of what many others on this site have said. That I will take my time about coming out – that there's no need to if it doesn't feel right or safe – that I choose the people I share with, & I choose the timing. It may be that I never say anything to my parents – and that decision may be OK too.


Yes, its a tricky one, I know as I am still not out to my parents, yes, take your time, only you know when the time is right, we are all different, some are able to come out at a younger age, for others it comes at a much older age and yet for some, it doesn't come at all. I have come out too a few selected gay friends although, that is easier to do when the person your coming out too is gay themselves.Im not out to my parents, I came out years ago to my brother, he was "fine" with it, but we never spoke about it again, so not really sure if he is really "fine" with it. Over this past two weeks, I have been thinking about coming out and really wish I could just do it! but like you, I am not sure if its the right time and not sure if its safe to do. Sometimes I wish I had accepted my sexuality at a much younger age, seems to get harder as you get older (at least that's my experience). I'm happy to read that you are feeling okay in your own skin, its a journey, sometimes a hard one, I still have my ups and downs as I guess all of us do, some days are better then others, but when those days are dark and gloomy, I try to remind myself that no matter what, God loves me! (He loves you too and everyone else here) He accepts me as I am, no matter what others might say of think. I have hated myself, for so long, I failed to realise that God loves me, often falling into the trap of believing what some so called Christians believe that being, that God does not love me! But I now realise that He does!


There are days when I question my views about homosexuality, but keep coming back to the reality that I have been created in the image of God and that He loves and accepts me as I am, so who am I to doubt Him? If He loves and accepts me then I should do the same! I know I am not "out of the woods" just yet,there are still issues I need to deal with and overcome, still some unlearning to be done, but I believe that my journey has become a lot more positive in recent times and I am so happy to hear that your in the same boat,seems like the future for you is looks more positive. One thing that has helped me recently especially, when I start feeling sorry for myself or when I start doubting and find myself dwelling into past views and really feel depressed. I remind myself that no matter how hard things get, no matter what I am going through, two things are certain, one, there is always someone in a worse position then I, always someone struggling more then me. And the other, that all things are possible with God, He and He alone can ultimately pull me through. I have come to realise that when I take that step of faith and refuse to allow the enemy or others to make me doubt that I am acceptable to God or to make me believe that I am an abomination and repulsive to God. God meets me half way, holds my hand and guides me through my own personal "valley of the shadow of death" and brings me into the sanctuary of His light. This community has been very helpful in my journey and I can see that its already being helpful to you also. I encourage you to keep trusting God, keep connecting with Him and keep reading and posting your story * journey. For your journey is helpful to us all, seeing you grow and feeling more positive about yourself and your future is an encouragement to others. It shows us (me) that there is hope out there.

Its wonderful that you have found an accepting Church and people whom you can reach out too, connect with and fellowship with.


May God bless you and envelope you in His love, lavish you with His grace and continue to guide you and show His love to you.



sarab
 
Joined in 2011
December 6, 2011, 18:15

Hey Brunski

thanks so much for your encouragement and response.

You said


Sometimes I wish I had accepted my sexuality at a much younger age, seems to get harder as you get older (at least that's my experience).


Well I can really relate to this. I recognise that regret is not all that helpful an emotion – yet I do feel a little sense of regret now and then that I didn't sort this all out earlier. However, I then remind myself that God knew me from before time – he knew my path and knows my future. In my more positive moments I can hold onto the fact that God's plan included my realisation around my sexuality – and as a song I have been listening to lately says "everything that comes before us leads us to where we are now" – so I guess I have my past to thank for my present. Does that make sense?


Thought I would share on the forum that I have had an interesting little event today.

I received a parcel in the mail.

A very dear old friend of mine and I had a conversation a long while ago where I shared with her that I was seeing a counsellor around dealing with how it was that I have ended up alone. [At that stage I was early into counselling and had not yet really begun to consciously engage with the issue of being gay.]

Anyway, a few weeks ago we spoke again – and I told her that I was going to a new church.

To cut a long story short she has joined some dots and come up with a fairly accurate picture of where I am at. I have not at all been explicit about going to an affirming church – yet she has obviously figured out that the issue of same sex relationships is what I am working through.

She is a much loved friend – and comes from an evangelical Christian background.

She has sent me a book which tells the story of Christians who "do not want to embrace a gay identity". It seems to hail from a group called "liberty" – Mathias media – and I am not at all sure I am going to love what it has to say.

I will read the book – yet I have an inner determination in me at the moment that says that it is a good and brave thing that I have been sorting through – that it's positive to accept my sexuality and damn it I don't want to enter a place of suppression again. I guess my dilemma is how to respectfully engage with my friend about my position.


Any comments and shared experiences gratefully accepted.

Sarab xxx



Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
December 6, 2011, 19:13

Hi sarab


Liberty is not at all about liberty. It's an ex gay group that aims to help people become straight.


Here's a link to their site. http://www1.libertychristianministries.org.au/about-us/


The great news is that you don't have to read the book. Just ask yourself what would be gained by doing so. And as for your friend, she probably believes she's doing the right thing. So you can acknowledge that and say thank you. Or you can say it doesn't sit with your beliefs/philosophies but thanks anyway. Or you can say nothing. I guess it depends on how you usually relate with your friend and what will be most helpful to both of you.


Blessings,


Ann Maree



HillsBen
Youth Coordinator
Joined in 2008
December 6, 2011, 19:42

Hi sarab,


I would suggest that you do not read the book. If it's the same book that I am thinking of, 'What Some of You Were', then it will only cause more harm than good, particularly if you are sensitive at the moment.


Do not get involved with Liberty. I'm sure your friend meant well but it is a dangerous organisation and the pastoral worker (Haydn) is very ignorant and judgemental towards LGBT people.



Princess _Fiona
 
Joined in 2011
December 6, 2011, 21:08

Quote from HillsBen on December 6, 2011, 7:42 pm

Hi sarab,


I would suggest that you do not read the book. If it's the same book that I am thinking of, 'What Some of You Were', then it will only cause more harm than good, particularly if you are sensitive at the moment.


Do not get involved with Liberty. I'm sure your friend meant well but it is a dangerous organisation and the pastoral worker (Haydn) is very ignorant and judgemental towards LGBT people.


Hi Sarab , HillsBen & Ann Maree


I read what you wrote sarab on the book given to you by your friend and I'm sure your familiar with the saying "curiosity killed the cat". Well the cat in this case was ME, of course I just had to look up that group and read what they were all about (kind of side tracked me tonight from continuing reading Dr. Keith Dyer article).


Now I've read a little, I feel I can comment honestly from my opinion. I think your right HillsBen and Ann Maree there is no liberty found in that organisation. I read through a few articles on the website and tired to keep an open mind as I'm in the process of discovering truth, what I found wasnt worth the time in reading to be honest in my opinion.


All the best with your journey sarab, you've come so far.


Hugs


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