Forums

16, gay male, Pentecostal/Charismatic background

Page:   1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16
 
 

gettingthere
 
Joined in 2008
April 13, 2010, 22:59

I spoke at church last Sunday on the fear of man and I had a really good response. It went better than I ever could’ve imagined. God really was right there with me helping me and giving me words to say. It was an awesome experience. The pastor knows I’m gay, so I thought it was encouraging that he would allow me to speak and even speak highly of me for the introduction even though he is aware that I’m gay. It’s a good sign. I’m not open in church though, and I don’t think I will be open at this church because of the timing of it all. It will cause trouble that I could handle, but I think such trouble would just be distracting, so I’d rather not start anything at this specific time in my life. In the future though, I hope to continue being able to speak in churches or other locations (stadiums? hehe… if God promised to show up, I’d do it.) as an openly gay Christ-follower.


Afterwards, my dad mentioned another church that I could speak at. “They wanted you to speak there when you were in 9th grade!” I rolled my eyes at that. I was scheduled to speak there, but Dad canceled it because it was shortly after I had come out and he was still reacting to my confession. Now he is encouraging me to speak there. Oh well. That’s life, I guess. Don’t know if I will speak there or not. It depends on the Holy Spirit’s leading.


After I finished speaking though and got the really amazing response from the crowd (the whole church gave me a standing ovation and also everybody came up for an altar call to have fear broken off of their lives), I could really understand why a gay minister would want to stay in the closet. I could even feel a bit of that wrong thinking creeping out onto me. To me, it felt like… what is happening is so good, why would I want to do anything that could damage what I have? I see now that it would be an extremely difficult place to be. I think people who feel that way do have a heart to serve the Lord… but as I mentioned in my sermon, the fear of man should have no place in the Christian’s life. It is very difficult to answer the concerns of such people, and I can only imagine it must get even harder the longer you have ministered to people from the closet. That’s why I think the best thing may be to just come out early, then don’t make it a defining factor. Don’t be “the token gay speaker”, just be the person God called you to be. That way people will see that God still works through you and that you are relatable to them. Being gay is just one thing about you on a list of things about you and I think soon people will see you not as ‘the gay one’ but as an individual, as the complete person you are.


I know I do quite a bit of heavy thinking… but it’s only because I believe God has a call on my life and I don’t want to waste it. I know that as a gay Christian with a ministry calling I have a chance to improve the situation for the people group I care so much about. So I’m thinking ahead about how I want it to look in the future… I want to be open, but definitely somebody who can help everyone. There is no reason I would have to talk about homosexuality all the time just because I’m gay. So I’m widening my imagination and seeing myself as somebody who all people – not just gay people – could receive help from. 🙂 Really good stuff! 😀 God is so great. I’m so excited that he is using me in this way and I would love to see what plans he has for me in the future. 🙂



Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
April 15, 2010, 12:27

AMAZING gettingthere……absolutely AMAZING.


I have no doubt God is using you in many ways now………the future ……well I guess anything is possible.



Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
April 15, 2010, 15:47

gettingthere, this is great – not only what you are doing but also that your Dad is becoming more accepting. Very encouraging and wonderful! 😀



Rivers
 
Joined in 2008
April 15, 2010, 21:10

Preach it preacher man!


Break those fears off.


“We’re not afraid anymore.”



IanJ
 
Joined in 2009
April 16, 2010, 22:12

Hey gettingthere!

This is wonderful news. God has given you so much- and this must be obvious to so many people. I want to support you- not just to tell you how wonderful you are (which is absolutely true!!)- but because you need someone to sharpen your idea on.

I think keeping quiet at this stage and in this place is very wise. Especially since you won’t be around there much longer, I think. And you don’t want to make anything complicated for your family- or for their ministry. To God be all the glory!!


Ian



gettingthere
 
Joined in 2008
April 26, 2010, 11:15

This morning, I started reading a book about mercy written by the counselor I was forced to see when I was in the US. Ironically, I ended up totally loving my counselor. He was great for me. It was the first time I was ever able to talk out loud to anyone about my sexual orientation and faith that in-depth and for that long. He encouraged me to get over my obsession with my sexual orientation and stop worrying about rejection. He essentially told me to accept myself and move on with my life, which was wonderful (and ironic, since I’m sure my parents and mission leaders were hoping he’d say quite the opposite.)


But then as I read this book, I read just the first few pages about mercy and I already felt like I might cry. It made me wonder. The past few months have been a time of great spiritual growth…. but was I ever really healed of anything or did I just become spiritual? All at once as I read about those who have been hurt and need God’s love and mercy, I felt the emotional pain lifting to the surface. I remember years before when I used to go in constant cycles – really hurt, not worrying about it, really hurt, not worrying about it. I had forgotten about that part of my life until just today as I felt the hurt come back. It isn’t anger or bitterness, I don’t think. It feels more like sorrow or grief. For a period of years, I suffered so much. And I know it made me stronger and I know it allowed me to be who I am today… but I still suffered. During my time of spiritual renewal these past few months, I thought I was over this. But now I think maybe I’m not.


During my mission trip the past week, all the guys from my school had to sleep in the same room. The more I spent time with them, the more I realized I’m really not like them. It was strangely disconcerting. Eerily enough it felt like my mind had returned to an earlier point of the coming out process. Once again, I was suddenly feeling strange and different and other. I have no idea if this is normal, but it definitely disturbed me.


Then I came home and when I read this book this morning, I suddenly felt the pain and grief of my earlier years again. So I have no idea what this is. I hope one of you on the forum can explain this. But what I’m more concerned with is that I find a way to heal from the grief… or maybe the grief over my pain never completely goes away. I don’t know. I may have entered a trough in the cyclical pattern my life seems to go through. I don’t know right now. Just remember to pray for me when you can. Thanks. 🙂



Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
April 26, 2010, 12:45

I think I can explain it gettingthere as I’ve had similar experiences.


As you know I consider myself a very very resolved person.



  1. I have resolved my sexuality issue and love living as an authentic gay man

  2. I have resolved the perceived conflict between my faith and sexuality and now live my life no longer clouded by shame and guilt. I have never felt closer or more loved by God than what I do now.

  3. I have forgiven those who wronged me whether that was intentional or through ignorance.


I have many experiences since that all happened where previous emotions came to the surface.


It has happened many times writing or even reading my book.


the most dramatic example happened about 12 months ago when I went to see the movie Save Me……about a guy who goes to a live in ‘ex-gay’ program.


Many images on the screen took me back to the experiences I had whilst I was in a very similar program. Even to the point of the woman running the programs face changing to the same image of the woman who ran my program. It was an incredibly traumatic time in my life at the age of 21.


At the end of the movie I was overwhelmed with emotion and began sobbing. In the end I had to run out of the theatre. My friends were shocked as they had never seen me in this state before. Indeed I was shocked.


Strangely there was another voice inside me, detached….almost like an observer…..saying ‘this is bizarre, you have resolved all this. It happened over 35 years ago’.


The conclusion I came to is that emotions never really go completely. They are locked inside us at a cellular level and can be triggered or come to the surface when prompted by an image, a statement, a memory etc that takes us back to that time. It has nothing to do with resolution….its about an emotion.


I rarely cry now when I read the first chapter of my autobiography…..but it can still happen. Depends what state of mind I’m in.


Hope this helps



IanJ
 
Joined in 2009
April 26, 2010, 14:14

Thanks for sharing this gettingthere! And also, Anthony, thanks for sharing your experience. It lines up with recent experiences of my own.


I have a cry now and then when I think of my kids- sometimes it’s watching a DVD of my son dancing, or hearing a song- or seeing something on their facebook (I’m not a friend, so what I can see/read is limited). I also cry when I read books I’ve read ‘Holding the Man’ twice in the last three weeks, and cried (sobbed) as much the second time as I did the first. I was wondering about what unresolved issues there were in my life when I was still crying 4 days after finishing it for the first time. When I read reviews of the book on Amazon, I discovered that this was not an unusual response to this book.


We are all human. And we guys- even gay ones- don’t talk about or get in touch with our emotions as much as we might. It may be something unresolved, it may be grief, it may be because we are human, or that we made in the image of God. I think it’s good to ask ourselves why we feel the way we do- and whether there’s anything that needs resolution- but it’s not always the case.


Feeling different from other guys is a fact- that’s not going to change. Our level of comfort or resolution with that fact can change. I think the advice of your counsellor is good advice- be comfortable with yourself and get on with your life! You’ll always find support here!


Ian



Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
April 26, 2010, 15:29

There’s nothing like the subject of mercy to put us in touch with the softest, squishiest parts of ourselves, which link in with emotions. Here we find the tender self that joins with God’s own heart. This is a beautiful part of us, especially because of the vulnerability, a place where we are most human and yet godly at the same time. Associated with that though is pain. Our vulnerability allows us to be open to receive but also more likely to be hurt. And the kind of hurts that might come to the surface in this situation are when others didn’t show us mercy or we blocked the flow of it to ourselves/others. As avb says, we remember pain, including emotional trauma and loss, in our bodies, and this response can be triggered even after the issues have been resolved. It has been shown that our bodily cells have memory, not just our brains. A variety of experiences can trigger these memories that are contained in the body. As they arise, it’s just a reminder that we are human.


It’s not that past healings have been insufficient/invalid for you, gettingthere….. it’s just your emotions being triggered and this is a normal response to a tender subject. It also sounds as if you are recalling the past closeness to your counsellor while feeling like an outsider with the group of guys at school. So you have a juxtaposition of support vs alienation. This may cause your sense of grief and loss to seem further heightened. And so you might just need more supports in your life to help you through this period.


Blessings,


Ann Maree



gettingthere
 
Joined in 2008
April 30, 2010, 19:11

Today, I was in my Drama class, when a friend of mine picked up a folded little paper off the floor. She picked it up, unfolded it, and started laughing nervously at what was on it. Out of curiosity, I reached over to take it from her as one of my other friends who was next to me asked what was on it. I read it to myself. It said, “I’m GAY” on it. I told my other friend it was nothing and then out of respect to whoever it was that wrote that note, I folded it back up and threw it away. But really, finding that really threw me for a loop.


It reminded me so much of what I did when I came out to my parents. Because I was unable to make the words leave my mouth, I wrote “I’m GAY” – the exact same message – on a piece of paper when I came out to my dad. It was also a yellow piece of paper – only my piece of paper was legal pad sized while this piece of paper was only 1.5 x 2 inches large. I don’t know what to do about this. I mean, I had always assumed that there were other gay kids in my school – it’d be rather silly not to. But this…. this really hit me. A lot of students use that room… so it’d be difficult to figure out which student wrote that note. I’m assuming it’d be an underclassman since all of them in a class in that same room right before us. But there could be an other explanation. And then I think maybe tracking down the author of the note would be a mistake. He or she would probably be horrified if they found out anyone had discovered their note… I don’t know what the best response for me would be. Maybe I shouldn’t do anything special… but… still… this whole incident has really been on my mind. Just thinking that somebody in my school is living through what I had to go through in my younger years… I would feel horrified if that happened and I did nothing to alleviate that suffering in anyway. 🙁 I dunno…


Page:   1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16
 
WP Forum Server by ForumPress | LucidCrew
Version: 99.9; Page loaded in: 0.164 seconds.