Will indeed 😉

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Wow guys, sorry for not replying in forever. 😛 Here’s a brief look at what’s been going on.

Hm. Well, things have been going okay at home. Better. I’d say we’re more of a family again (compared to the way we were before, definitely better), but I still don’t feel comfortable bringing up the topic again. I’m at that place where I feel like… talk about being gay = chaos, not talk about being gay = peace. But, then… if I don’t get to be open about myself and who I am, well… that’s also hard. I just feel that opening my closet door again (which, I feel, has been shut in my family’s mind) will be akin to opening Pandora’s Box, releasing all kinds of chaos that I do not want to go through again. Thankfully, I’ve already come out before, so it’s not as horrible as it was before. I guess I shouldn’t complain, but… sigh…

Have I ever talked about how my moods go in cycles? Typical teen thing, I’m sure. Well, I feel like I just started a downturn again. It’s actually starting to get REALLY REALLY IRRITATING (<-my objective observer side kicking in there). once again, i'm thinking about escaping and quitting christianity all this again. i feel like such a whiner, but at the same time pressure is so much. know, my head, that god with me shouldn't worry anything, he'll be there me. it's still hard. maybe just little child afraid of getting shot doctor, it looks intimidating, end, over quickly not even painful.

But right now, to be perfectly honest, I feel like there's cloud hanging over my head... (I can't say weight on my head, because ever since my coming out experience, where a literal weight that literally made my head feel heavier was removed shortly after I came out, I'm now going to use that phrase to refer to only that one part of my life before I came out. But if I wasn't going to do that, I would probably use that phrase here.) Let me just say Focus on the Family teaches our Bible class and that in a few weeks, well, we're going to learn all about God's plans for the family and how Satan has perverted it and all that other stuff they like to proclaim. The way it's been set up in this class is that there is one way to see things - God's way - and anyone who disagrees with that way has been tricked to by Satan. So obviously, any attempt I make at presenting my interpretation of the Scripture will of course be considered to be... well... you can imagine what kind of comments that would get.

Sigh. I'm just... I don't WANT to be an issue.... I don't WANT to be a problem... I just want to be myself and I want for people to leave me alone and just accept me for who I am. I'm relatively happy as I am now, but I know that in a few weeks when we reach this topic, I feel like the gates are going to be open again and well... I don't want everyone's garbage dumped all over me again.

My dream state of being, really, would to just be openly gay and be strong enough to say that if people don't like it they can go dump their heads in a bucket of ice water. Not the kind of guy that displays how gay he is for the whole world to see, but the guy for whom being gay is just one aspect on a list of things about himself, an aspect that he is by no means ashamed of. But I'm not that strong to be unaffected by everyone else and I'm too afraid to be totally open. I'm open a bit, I'm sure lots of people know, and I have formed many close friendships with people who know I'm gay and are totally, totally fine with it (although, I'm kind of concerned now that those same people might end up opening up my closet doors at a time when I really don't want them to.) So it's not that I've never come out... I'm almost certain my life would be not even half what it is currently if I had never come out. But I'm feeling now that I'm longing for this dream state of being totally openly gay, but I'm too weak and too afraid to get there currently. (I'm sure in a few years, I'll reach it, no doubt. But I'm in difficult circumstances here.)

Well, this was kind of long. Meh. Just pray for me that I can get through this all... especially since my down phase, which I'm going to try to fight as much as I can, seems to be returning again.

Ditto with Magz, we are standing with you. If we came over and kidnapped you, would that help 😉

Hey guys. A little update from me.

I had intended to make this post yesterday, but I was too busy, so I’m putting it up today. Yesterday was my second anniversary of coming out to my parents – May 14, 2007. On that day, I made absolutely sure to remember the date since I knew that what I had just done was going to be an important landmark in my life. Since then, I’ve resolved to make that day sort of my “gay birthday”, kind of in the same way that some Christians, like my dad, remember the date when they were saved. (I don’t remember the date when I got saved, so I can’t celebrate it. Boo.)

Anyway, my 2nd coming out anniversary was a big success. I don’t celebrate it publicly. It’s more of a reflective time for me. I’m sure when I’m on my own and have a group of friends who accept me, I’ll involve them with it as well and we’ll do something fun together. But at the moment, I just think. Mostly it happens that during my day, when I’m doing something, I’ll just stop and think about what I’m doing – enjoying my friends, talking with my family, being at school, doing something that I love to do – and I’ll just remember that these are the things that I thought would be taken away from me if I ever came out. It’s a triumphant time for me, to think about how far I’ve come. Also, this year was unique and special in that my coming-out-aversary fell on the first day of dress rehearsal for the high school play so I was wearing eyeliner and lipstick on this day, which I found to be pleasantly ironic. The make-up people said I did such a good job as they applied make-up on me. And I also have to wear a fake earring, so I had it on the right ear (which was once considered ‘the gay ear’, for those who don’t know) until I had to remove it and switch it to the other ear because I realized you couldn’t see it because of my headset. It’s just these really little, insignificant, and probably slightly immature things that make times like this so much more special.

Anyway… that was yesterday. I might put up more things about where I’m at later. 🙂