Thanks guys. I don’t know what exactly to say, but I’ll see what I can make come out.

I feel like if I needed to, I could write an eloquent essay on everything you would need to do in order to live a happy and productive life free from any crippling fear or shame. The only problem is that I have difficulty actually doing the things that I already know I need to be doing. I don’t really know what I need to be doing next. I have these principles, but no real concrete steps or anything. I thank God for the training and experiences that I’ve had, because I think without these things I would’ve snapped a long time ago or turned into one of those unmanageable teenagers you hear about from time to time. God is the only thing that keeps me sane and gives me hope that I can make it out of my current situation okay.

However, I feel like all of this is self-imposed, like I’m responsible for all of this. Like, if I just had a better attitude or if I just trusted people more and found some supportive friends then this would all just be so much better. I feel so frustrated. Again, I know what I have to do, but doing it is so difficult. I don’t know where to start, I really don’t… just keep praying for me that things will come.

What do I feel responsible for?

I feel responsible for the way that I’m feeling right now, since I know that I have the ability to fix it and I also know that if I just kept a positive attitude about everything that I wouldn’t be feeling so bad right now.

I feel responsible for my isolation since I know that I avoid communicating with people about my personal problems and because of that I don’t have really close bonds with anybody around me.

I feel responsible for my difficult relationships with my family, because I don’t know what to say. I want to say something, but it seems that no matter what I say they never listen and so I avoid saying anything. But I feel like if anybody is going to change something, it’s going to be me, since I already know that my dad is so rigid and I have no idea how to fix the relationship. I’m sure that he does love me, but the way that he’s talked to me and his reaction to me whenever I’ve tried to communicate with him has just been horrible. I don’t even feel like I have any desire to really get a close relationship with my dad, but I do want it to be better than it is now. I feel like a lot of this rests on my shoulder, because as I said before if anything will change it will be me and at the moment, I see really two options – either just say that I don’t care about his influence anymore and mentally release myself from underneath it or just quietly suffer under it until I get out on my own. I’m worried though that both options could lead down a path that I don’t really want to go on. My idea of trying to discuss and work things out didn’t seem to work too well and I’m exhausted with him to the point where I feel like I don’t want to hear him talk to me anymore. And that thought brings me back to the place where I feel responsible for my bad attitude towards my dad and I know that I shouldn’t be feeling this way and I should just adjust everything and try to be positive…

And then I feel responsible for not seeking God out enough because I feel like if I just walked closer with Him then of course, things would start to look better or I would at least have a better attitude about the whole situation.

I feel really confused right now. 🙁 Am I totally nuts for feeling the way I feel? I was under the impression that it’s good to take responsibility for things and that accepting responsibility for those things that you can change was the first step to making things all better. Or maybe I’m doing this all wrong. Somebody help me make sense of this all. 🙁

feel really confused right now. Am I totally nuts for feeling the way I feel? I was under the impression that it’s good to take responsibility for things and that accepting responsibility for those things that you can change was the first step to making things all better. Or maybe I’m doing this all wrong. Somebody help me make sense of this all.

No not nuts at all though you probably feel like you have lost it.

JR is right in that changes that take place with people take time to sink in, my Dad went through a strange no communication period with me when I was about 20, I tried everything to fix it but I ended up a complete mess, fact is He was processing the fact that I wasnt going to be what he hoped I would be and needed time to adjust and mourn the loss of that and its completely healthy and normal, I just didnt understand it at the time. I wasnt responsible for his reaction to my disclosing my sexuality and yes I was peeved at him for cutting off from me for a while and the fact I felt distant bugged me but now with what I know I realise that we cant “microwave” people into feeling better or situations into being better, there always seems to be an instant fix for this or that in society, even in church “pray and God with his heavenly ATM will just instantly give a remedy for a situation”

😯 As we know it doesnt work that way, mr time and his annoying tick tock 🙄 is always the go. My Dad came round and its as if that yucky stage never happened, I had to learn that I cant fix everything and what a release that was, things will get better over time for you. 😉

Have you connected with the guys on here?

This is just a little thing that happened today. My dad just asked me to check out a book called ‘When Bad Christians Happen to Good People’ from our library. The ironic thing is that this is the exact same book that I checked out a while back in order to help me deal with my dad. I don’t think he’s aware of that fact, but whatever. There is a lot of emphasis on Christian attitudes towards gay people in there, so it might be helpful I think if he reads it. Except I won’t be able to check out until 2nd semester, because school is almost out here.

Hey Bryan, hows things? Doing ok?