The Naked Now sounds interesting. How did you come to be reading that?

Blessings,

Ann Maree

The Naked Now is a book which teaches about a ‘non-dual’ way of being – of experiencing God in all his/her paradoxes and allowing the dissonance from that to be – and through that to encountor true spiritual Presence. Richard Rohr talks about how most of the masses of world religions, including Christianity are stuck in ‘dual thinking’ which polarises and causes conflict and defensiveness, division, and hatred – which is so anti the message of Jesus.

I came to be reading it, because I went to see a doctor for a script last week, (and it was a different doctor, as mine was on holidays) – we ended up talking briefly about our faith journeys and recovery from the mission experiences and he recommended the book, and author. The next day, I was talking to my pastor, and he said he had a copy and had just finished reading it, so I could borrow it… so there you go. It is challenging and enlightening and affirming – and I am interested that it came into my hands, at the same time as I have been challenged to think about and explore my sexuality.

Thanks again to you and Meg for your encouragement…

ammi

Hi Ammi and yet another warm welcome from me!

I have been reading the posts and alot has been covered since you first posted Wow! I can’t help but think that you have truly began a part of your journey that will bring some healing to you. I so feel for what you have been through. I too have experienced abuse and went through things that a child should never endure. After 43 years I myself have only just come to terms with my sexuality and being comfortable with who I am. But its so good that you are talking about this and I commend you for your courage to explore this all so vital side of you. Its so inter- connected with who you are, your identity, it can govern how you think and what you do. We are sexual beings, its how God made us and I wish it was as simple as just being able to fall in love or be loved -whether its by a woman or a man should be of no consequence. My thoughts are with you Ammi and I really want to encourage you to just be you………….it may not be as scary as you think x

“That was no comfort for me in my tears and pain last night… I thought… “I’ve spent my life doing that!” Right now, I feel like it is worth nothing at all… (And I can’t even bring myself to swear about it in a public forum!!!).

So yes, I am angry… and hurting… and lonely… and sad….”

Ammi, I am new here but not new to the dilemma of being Christian and gay – just like everyone else @ F2b.

What I do wonder, and please forgive me here, have you and your counselor ventured into the territory where you ponder the notion that for you to pursue clarity on your sexual orientation you feel you may disappoint God? What I’m trying to say is: you have clearly given your life to serving God. In seeking clarity about the very core of your being you are focused on self and this offends that ‘state of service’ to God.

I have thought about this of myself for many years. How can I possibly be so selfish to think about me and who I am, and what do I need, further more, what do I want? Am I doing a disservice to God to even think this way?

I really haven’t had counseling, so I don’t know if I should even comment. I have had to work a lot of stuff out alone and am well aware that I could be completely off track. :O

However, I did forgive myself for abandoning the ministries I was serving in; I gave myself permission to have a ‘sabbatical’ so to speak, so I could focus on who I was, what do I need, and what compromises (terrible word for want of a better one) I had to make.

I stopped hearing the conventional doctrine about what the scriptures say about same sex attraction-there isn’t a whole lot in the scriptures about being gay at all, BUT there is a lot of words by fellow Christians who have fleshed out those very few scriptures to be a massive stick with which to beat gay people! Christians are masters at taking what I call ‘media grabs’ of Gods word and making a sermon out of it which had NOTHING to do with the context of the story, culture, history, or people for which those scriptures are written. We have all sat in the pews of our churches and from the time you and I could understand language, have been conditioned in this way: a scriptural verse or few, here is what God REALLY meant, here is how it applies to you, if you don’t fit this doctrine then repent and go about your business!

Back to my questions about you Ammi. 😀

How much of your life has become what it is today because of your conflict between what you felt so, so, so long ago about yourself? At some point in your past you concluded that who you are does not fit the doctrine? What’s more, who said that doctrine was correct? When do you give yourself permission to say ‘STOP THE BUS! I want to get off’. I am of the view we should be allowed to do this- it’s called God’s Grace. I know when God knows you have sorted stuff out he will send another bus along for you to get back on again! And who knows that bus may be a totally different journey than you ever expected.

I would love you to feel free to have a dialogue albeit online where I can support you in mind if not in body. I am certain there are so many here at F2b that will recognise so easily the same road signs along our journey to truth and freedom to be!

Marc

When something happens thats sets us back its good to keep it simple and remember that God made you and loves you whatever form that may take. try to find you in all of this and stay true to it. Its not an easy journey but it can be a that can take you to actually feeling free.

xx

Thanks Linda…

I really like what you said here, Linda… To try and find myself in this and stay true to myself…. I guess part of that is not being so angry with myself too… And yes, the sermon was directed at youth and the pastor is sorry that it has had such a powerful and painful affect on me…

I have made it through the day… so that is a good thing, I guess…

ammi

Ammi,

My heart aches for you.

If it were possible to just ‘be’ without angst alone, this would be a monumental achievement.

Your blogs have reminded me of another person I had the privilege of meeting nearly a year ago. A divorced man, father of a beautiful 14 year old girl, deeply spiritual, has some seriously harsh elements in his life to deal with which I won’t go into here. He and I talked on many a Saturday or Sunday afternoon at a Melbourne gay friendly bar, often over heard by others but neither of us cared.

He gave me a gift: the concept of just ‘being’. Not trying to be someone or something, not in a dark place of self condemnation or doubt, but rather the capacity to view myself from a distant point of view and observe, and to just ‘be’. Sometimes this meant I had to accept my dilemmas without the continual urge to resolve. He doesn’t say God will provide a resolution, but rather allow myself the luxury of bringing my tumultuous thoughts to a stillness. His belief is men always want to jump to resolution, and resolve now…no yesterday!

As gay, bi, feaux-mo-sexual, metrosexual, heterosexual men (note the progression or scale there) we want to be able to label ourselves and make that label define who we are. Men seek comfort in categorising who we are.

My friend gave me a way to stop that nonsense, and in some way I am unable to explain, I gained a new appreciation of self, and I think God likes what he sees. So do I!