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Confused, 49 year old...

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ammi
 
Joined in 2011
February 7, 2012, 19:08

Quote from Princess _Fiona on February 7, 2012, 5:18 pm


Know there are people on here who do care and are here whenever your wanting to talk.


Hi Princess Fiona… thanks for thinking of me and posting and reassuring me that there are people here who care and will listen. As I read your post, my first instinct was to think that my questions and confusion regarding my sexuality and sexual orientation are not related to my depression and anxiety…. and realised, even as I came to form that thought, that of course there is some relation even if they are not the main contributing factors….


I remain confused, and really think that I won't have an answer to my questions until/if ever a situation arises to test things for me – a potential partner comes on the scene – or relationship begins to develop… My close support structures and people remain stretched which is a source of grief and some angst for me… but my counsellor is still available, helpful and reliable, for which I'm very grateful. There have been a considerable degree of dramas in my world in recent months, some of them still not settled… so I carry on as best I can.


Thanks for your thoughts and I follow your story with interest and am glad to see that you were able to make it to the chapter meeting this month…


Take care and blessings

ammi

ammi
 
Joined in 2011
June 9, 2012, 17:45

I've been away from the forum for a while….

But now I am here…. with the next part of my story.


Was reading Being Gay, Being Christian, you can be both a couple of weeks ago and was confronted with the fact that it is time I stepped off the fence and started to accept and explore my lesbian sexuality….


Notice it is a 'start to accept' – it has been a tumultuous few weeks of discussions with various support people, and some safe close friends. I reckon I still will play internal closet hokey pokey for a little while to come – but even coming 'out' on here is part of the journey.


I have already moved churches to a gay affirming church, which is a relief and been in touch with one of the pastors there and she has been very supportive. A friend and mentor was asking me last week…'What next?' I don't know that there is a lot of external 'what next?' but certainly some further internal processing, letting go, forgiving, accepting, and learning to KNOW this deep knowing that I have really known for the past 18 months since first posting on here (and in some recesses of my being… from long before that).


Maybe somewhere in here is part of the journey to greater emotional wellness too??????


Thanks for listening…

ammi

Mother Hen
 
Joined in 2011
June 9, 2012, 17:55

Hi Ammi, So great to hear from you. Wow you have certainly been busy processing things. Well done to you. It takes a lot of courage and strength to face the issues you are facing. It's great you have decided to bite the bullet so to speak :). Sounds like you have some great support, and wonderful friends.


Just take one step at a time, don't be rushed into anything by people saying "what's next" there is no time frame on these things. You go at the pace that suits you. Nothing wrong with having a break from it all either if it gets to much. Always great to take a breather every now and then and do some of the things you enjoy, some of the things that relax you and recharge you when necessary.


The move to the new church sounds like it was a positive step in the right direction. I know you will reach the place of being able to accept yourself for who you are. And find that place of emotional wellness.


You are doing great 🙂

Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
June 9, 2012, 19:58

Good for you ammi! I'm so pleased you're now at a gay affirming church. This is a huge step in terms of creating more supports around yourself which can only lead to healing. I believe things will just unfold as they're meant to while you continue your inner exploration and increase time with people who accept you as you are.

Blessings,

Ann Maree

sarab
 
Joined in 2011
June 9, 2012, 21:49

Hi Ammi – I echo what Mother Hen and Ann Maree have said – that it's lovely to hear from you again on the forum and exciting and wonderful to hear about these steps you have been taking. Just saying the words to yourself can be hard scary yet exciting relieving and liberating. Whatever those words may be for you at the moment. I am not a big one for labels so for me just saying to myself "I don't want to be with a man…. I'm interested in women" was a huge starting point. Fantastic about your new church. Just being in a place where you (as the minister of my church said to me when I first shared my story with her) "you can be whoever you like" will I hope be healing and liberating for you. It's also good for others on this forum to know that the stories and journeys of others can indeed unfold over some time. As Mother Hen says – move at your own pace. Well done – I too hope this for you brings emotional strength peace and healing.

Sarab 🙂

ammi
 
Joined in 2011
October 26, 2013, 09:33

So much has happened….


I had the amazing opportunity to meet with Bishop Gene Robinson in a special space just for LGBTI people – while a delightful lunch was being prepared for us by our straight friends. It was am amazing and affirming time – and I found myself settling into a new understanding of 'this is me'… and where I belong.


Then early in the year I did a facilitated 'coming out' group with a lovely group of 5 other women who were exploring their sexuality. I came to realise through that process that I am gay and it is okay. We get together every 6 weeks or so for dinner.


I have come out to my little sister – and she is accepting of me…


I have joined a meetup group for lesbian women – and been to some of their events.


I continue to have a lot going on in my life with a sick mother and sister and some health issues myself as well as the constant battle with the black dog – so am not actively looking for anyone special at the moment – just getting on with life….

I have appreciated the support of F2b and the space to explore my questions and confusion… thank you so much to all the volunteers!


ammi

sarab
 
Joined in 2011
October 26, 2013, 13:59

Hi Ammi!

So good to hear from you and of your news. Wow! A lot has been happening and it's so fabulous to read about your stepping out into groups with other gay women – gathering some supports around you and feeling your way forward – step by step. Your journey of course shares many similarities with my own – so I am cheering you on – and applaud your courage – especially in the face of the bugger that is the black dog. More power to you Ammi!!!

Keep us posted 🙂 x

Sarab



Mother Hen
 
Joined in 2011
October 26, 2013, 19:01

Hi Ammi,


Thanks for the update 🙂 always great to hear how well people are doing. You have certainly made some big steps forwards. You should feel very proud of yourself.


I pray the health of yourself and your family will improve and you can keep making wonderful steps forwards.


Awesome 🙂

Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
October 28, 2013, 22:39

Yay Ammi! Go girl!! What great positive changes have occurred in your life. 🙂 Thanks for sharing these with us.

Blessings,

Ann Maree
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