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Confused, 49 year old...

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Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
March 28, 2011, 21:55

Hi ammi


You said:


I ‘found’ a small deep blue translucent ball of possible hope suspended in my gut… “Hold onto that” she said…


That’s beautiful, ammi. It will be interesting to note what happens within as you sit and focus on that small deep translucent ball..


Blessings,


Ann Maree

ammi
 
Joined in 2011
March 29, 2011, 08:46

Hi ammi


Do you know for sure that your church is against same sex relationships? And what do you like most about the church you’re part of?


Could you find those qualities and more at another church?


I guess it’s good to explore how you define ‘church’ and what you most want and need from it.



Thanks so much Ann Maree, for your kind, compassionate and insightful comment. I do know for sure that my church at the moment, would have trouble with someone in a same sex relationship being in formal ministry there. There are some who would continue to accept me, but I don’t think there are many, of the ones I interact with regularly, who would feel that I wasn’t ‘sinning’ (Except the pastor…and that counts for something very much!)


I like the church because I’ve been a member there for 20 years, and many people have been very kind and gracious with me as I’ve struggled with my mental health. I appreciate the current pastor’s ministry, kindness, and pastoral care. Their community shop and cafe is my main ‘social’ space during the week. The children’s pastor is one of my best friends, and mentors, and she has real trouble with same sex relationships.


So, I guess, the things I like most about the church are the people and the sense of continuity, and it would take a long time to find these qualities at another church (I think). I have been an itinerant most of my life… so to build some degree of continuity… sort of helps a bit, given that I haven’t had a partner to build a history with.


To define church is a good question… and as is indicated above… for me, the community is the key… (and hugs), (and yes, God and Light and Dark fit in there somewhere… but I know She isn’t confined there)..


ammi

ammi
 
Joined in 2011
March 29, 2011, 08:58


And as for unrequited love, yes there’s no pain quite like it. I feel for you with that and send a big hug and some soothing balm for your bleeding heart. I’m reading a book that you might find of use. I’ve found it an enormous comfort of late as I’ve gone through some awful griefs, including a relationship break up. It’s called ‘Dark Nights of the Soul’ by Thomas Moore. It’s spoken to me when nothing and no one else could.


Blessings,


Ann Maree


Thank you so much for your kindness and understanding… thanks for the recommendation of the book… I was checking it out on the internet, and it looks like it could help. I will ask my pastor if he has a copy… or even ring the library.


Hugs and hugs to you… for your current pain and loss and grief and loneliness! Trust there is some of that balm to soothe your hurts as well….


with much kindness…

ammi

ammi
 
Joined in 2011
March 29, 2011, 09:03


Hi ammi,


I can so relate to what you’ve said above with my journey at the moment …


Things are in a state of change for me and hopefully some doors of opportunity will open up for me.


Yes being on the threshold of society can be isolating and lonely at times but there is ALWAYS community to be found like freedom2b[e] and in our local places.


I trust that that hope you speak of is what keeps you going and that our safe online space is always here for you.


Thanks so much Pierre… and I trust the way opens before you as you walk the steps… (and for me too!)


and yes… I need that little ball of possible hope… to sit there in me… and nourish me in my grief.. and distress…


ammi

ammi
 
Joined in 2011
May 15, 2011, 15:53

I am back again… not that I’ve ever been away, as I am a good ‘forum lurker’! 🙂


Was talking with my counsellor on Friday about gender… and she said to me, ‘You can’t be gender neutral’….


I have been thinking about that with some distress for the past couple of days… I think in my fear and distress about vulnerability, sexuality, and attraction and all that goes along with that, I have longed to be gender neutral. Maybe that is one reason I’ve never had a boyfriend/girlfriend….


Sometimes it is really hard to stay with the present, and to be thankful for, and appreciate the kind and warm friendships I do have, and not to project into the future a life of loneliness, disconnection and isolation.



Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
May 15, 2011, 16:29

Hi ammi


Interesting idea about longing to be ‘gender neutral’. What do you mean by that term?


Do you think you might be looking for something to hide behind? I mean even if you could be gender neutral and let’s imagine you could be, what would that look like? And would that protect you from vulnerability and pain which are afterall parts of the human condition?


On a positive note, I’ve recently found that as I’ve surrendered to my pain more fully, the recovery process has been quicker and more complete and I’m also better able to experience the good things. Life is intense but my heart can still be open to receive and that’s progress for me. Most of us tend to fear pain but it can have positive aspects too and I’ve certainly learnt things from it that I wouldn’t otherwise have gained.


I think you can be whoever you want to be, ammi. And whatever you do, choose you. Do what’s good or nurturing or makes you happy.


Blessings,


Ann Maree



ammi
 
Joined in 2011
May 15, 2011, 18:13

Hi ammi


Interesting idea about longing to be ‘gender neutral’. What do you mean by that term?


Do you think you might be looking for something to hide behind? I mean even if you could be gender neutral and let’s imagine you could be, what would that look like? And would that protect you from vulnerability and pain which are afterall parts of the human condition?


I think you can be whoever you want to be, ammi. And whatever you do, choose you. Do what’s good or nurturing or makes you happy.


Blessings,


Ann Maree


Thanks for the comment, Ann Maree… yes, I wonder if this ‘longing’ is seeking protection from vulnerability and pain… and as you say, as long as we are human… those are part of the tapestry of life. I was interested to read of you moving into your pain, and finding that this has helped you to be able to taste the good things again…


I really like your last sentences… I needed that reminder that I can be whoever I want to be… and that the best person to choose to be, is just myself… I will ponder that in coming days…. I do try and do things that are good and nurturing, and I trust that they will make me happy, one day….


I wrote a list describing me during a Labyrinth prayer exercise back before Christmas… I will review that, and reflect on it…


Take care of you…

ammi

Mr Summit
Chapter Leader
Joined in 2010
May 15, 2011, 19:30

Apparently your counsellor has never heard of Norrie May-Welby.

ammi
 
Joined in 2011
June 2, 2011, 18:10

I learned early this week, at a workshop/seminar… that some people are actually born gender neutral! So there you go… Why don’t we hear about this..??


However, as Ann Maree encouraged me to explore, I don’t think my real problem is with my gender identity, but rather with my sexuality… why is it so difficult for me to begin to own to myself, that I am most likely same sex attracted? I have been reviewing, again, all my significant ‘crushes’ and relationships since I was a teenager, and they were all for girls/women… I just never felt I mattered enough to explore taking them anywere out the silence of my head and heart.


I have just been reading some of forestgrey’s article from the ABC about celibacy and sublimation, which is the road I have chosen, not being aware of any other road, if it wasn’t marriage and family… it is unlikely I will stray off that road any time soon and the loneliness and heartache of that grips me sometimes/often.


I guess it is a wait and see… and in the mean time doing what some of you, so wisely, have suggested… keep working of finding ‘me’ in the midst of everything… and staying on the journey of learning to be okay with me……. 🙁



Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
June 7, 2011, 14:20

I wonder if people are aware that the gender wiring in the brain and the sexual orientation wiring are actually different circuits.


Therefore you can have a MTF (male to female) transgender person who is sexually oriented towards their original gender (male) and other MTF transgender people who are sexually oriented towards their transitioned gender (female). And exactly the same vice versa FTM.


Confusing??????


imagine living with it and trying to sort it all out.
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