Hi everyone, I'm ammi and I'm 49 and I don't know what my sexual orientation is. I was told when I was in my early 20's by a pastor's wife that she thought I had homosexual leanings – I was appalled, ashamed and embarrassed, and confused. All I knew was that I needed touch and to be hugged so much – I don't think I really cared who they were from.

I have never had a boyfriend (or girlfriend), I have never had a date, I have never been kissed, either by a girl or a boy. I have suffered depression and anxiety most of my life (but been denying it and living a 'normal, and fulfilling?' life until the past 9 years). A year and a half ago I lost my last job because of my depression, and am struggling to come to grips with that.

When I was in my mid 30's I had a brief, half hearted same sex experience –

I don't know if I am attracted to fellows or girls – sometimes, I think it may be both – and that scares me to death. Here I am at nearly 50 – and I pretend to my friends that I am looking for a husband – but am I really?

This site was recommended to me by my pastor, because it might help a friend – and I thought – 'It might help me".

I still need to be touched, comforted and held so much – how could I even entertain the idea that I might be homosexual or bisexual??? What would that do to my current relationships? Maybe no one would want to touch me then – and I would die. It makes me cry to talk about this.

Thanks for listening…

I want to give you a biiiiiiiiig hug.



🙂

I’m glad to hear that you got some rest, ammi. I think that being authentic is the best thing we can do for ourselves as far as peace of mind goes.

Blessings,

Hi ammi

A warm welcome from me also! 🙂

You said:

I still need to be touched, comforted and held so much – how could I even entertain the idea that I might be homosexual or bisexual??? What would that do to my current relationships? Maybe no one would want to touch me then – and I would die. It makes me cry to talk about this.

ammi, you bring up such an important point, that we all have a need for physical contact and comfort, and for some this is more necessary than for others. This is evident by the fact that babies and children who are neglected in this area can develop Failure to thrive syndrome which can indeed lead to death.

I’m so sorry that this is how you’ve been feeling. And it’s quite understandable that it would make you cry..

A couple of things come to mind that you may find useful. Firstly, there’s a book called ‘The 5 Love Languages’ by Dr Gary Chapman. The author asserts that we express and receive love in different ways and has classified these into 5 languages which are: physical touch, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service and quality time. He suggests that we each have a dominant language/s. It’s common for people in relationship to have differing languages and miss each others’ acts of love because we don’t speak that language. The result is feeling unloved. I like the languages because they’re accessible and easy to work with and apply. The author also gives great examples of couples’ work and excellent suggestions for developing in the various languages. I can’t say I agree with everything in the book however. i.e. I’m not a fan of scriptures being taken out of context or of a battered wife being advised to turn the other cheek! Nevertheless, the languages themselves have helped myself and many clients to reconnect with self and others in a more rewarding way, increasingly able to receive and give love effectively.

The other thing is: do you have someone you can trust to talk to about how you’re feeling? Having the right sorts of support is really important, both when suffering from anxiety and depression and also when exploring complex issues around sexuality.

Feel free to send me a private message if you would like suggestions for finding resources should you decide you need them.

It’s great you’ve found us. There are lots of lovely people here to provide support and understanding. Depending on where you are, we also have monthly meetings in some capital cities too. You would be most welcome to attend if able.

Blessings,

Ann Maree

you are so welcome here ammi……and i am really glad you found us.

Hopefully now you might not feel quite as alone as you have people here who have an understanding of life journey.