Time for humour - do you have a funny story, joke,quote etc?

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Anthony Venn-Brown
Joined in 2005
March 15, 2008, 16:27

Etiquette Tips For The Gay Male Wedding

hey prodigalson…..that was great. I haven’t seen that before. I’ve kept a copy as i’m now doing more same sex commitment ceremonies. I’ll have to use it wisely though.

as most of the humour i know revloves around gay men….thought it would be good to make sure the girls don’t feel left out.

I guess you’ve heard the one about “What does a lesbian bring on a second date?” lets see how many know this one?

Joined in 2008
March 16, 2008, 03:47

She brings a U HAUL!!!!! AAAHH HA HA HA HA!!! πŸ˜† πŸ˜† πŸ˜†

Joined in 2008
March 16, 2008, 03:55

Ok, I have one……..

Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, ‘Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years’?

The fairy godmother replied, ‘Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?’

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

‘The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I’m living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said,

‘Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother’

The fairy godmother replied,

‘It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?’

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,

‘I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.’

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:

‘You have one more wish; what shall it be?’

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, ‘I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.’

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, ‘Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.’

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered…

‘Bet you’re sorry now that you cut my nuts off’

Anthony Venn-Brown
Joined in 2005
March 19, 2008, 01:10

Gay Marriages Wont Work Because…..

1. Homosexuality is not natural, much like eyeglasses, polyester,

and birth control.

2. Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children.

Infertile couples and old people can’t legally get married because

the world needs more children.

3. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight

parents only raise straight children.

4. Straight marriage will be less meaningful, since Britney Spears’

55-hour just-for-fun marriage was meaningful.

5. Heterosexual marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t

changed at all; just like women are property, blacks can’t marry

whites, and divorce is illegal.

6. Gay marriage should be decided by people not the courts, because

the majority-elected legislatures, not courts, have historically

protected the rights of the minorities.

7. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like

ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country.

That’s why we have only one religion in America.

8. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way

that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

9. Legalising gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy

behaviour. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has

legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

10. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model

at home. That’s why single parents are forbidden to raise children.

11. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual

marriage has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt

to new social norms because we haven’t adapted to cars or longer


12. Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage

with a different name, are better because a “separate but equal”

institution is always constitutional. Separate schools for African-

Americans worked just as well as separate marriages for gays and

lesbians will.

Joined in 2007
March 19, 2008, 01:15

If Michelangelo had been straight, he’d have painted the Sistine Chapel beige.


Joined in 2008
March 19, 2008, 10:07

πŸ˜† πŸ˜† πŸ˜† hahaha works for me AVB… seems logical and totally truth based!

oh and john I love your joke… that was super funny!! i’m still laughing about it! πŸ˜›

Joined in 2006
March 19, 2008, 12:42

An elderly couple was attending church services.

About halfway through, the wife leans over and says

to her husband, ” I just let out a silent fart. What

do you think I should do?”

He replies,”Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”

😳 πŸ˜† πŸ˜†

Joined in 2007
March 19, 2008, 13:05

Okay, that last one just made my day!

Anthony Venn-Brown
Joined in 2005
March 19, 2008, 21:51

Real life funny quotes

If homosexuality is a disease, let’s all call in sick to work: “Hello. Can’t work today, still queer.” ~ Robin Tyler

I’d rather be black than gay because when you’re black you don’t have to tell your mother. ~ Charles Pierce

“Dear Abby,” In response to a reader who complained that a gay couple was moving in across the street and wanted to know what he could do to improve the quality of the neighborhood. ‘You could move.’ ~ Abigail Van Buren.

The one bonus of not lifting the ban on gays in the military is that the next time the government mandates a draft, we can all declare we are homosexual instead of running off to Canada. ~ Lorne Bloch

Why can’t they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, “Who’d you call a faggot?” ~ Jon Stewart

My lesbianism is an act of Christian charity. All those women out there praying for a man, and I’m giving them my share. ~ Rita Mae Brown

Soldiers who are not afraid of guns, bombs, capture, torture or death say they are afraid of homosexuals. Clearly we should not be used as soldiers; we should be used as weapons. ~ Letter to the Editor, The Advocate

You don’t have to be straight to be in the military; you just have to be able to shoot straight. ~ Barry Goldwater

Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands? ~ Ernest Gaines

My own belief is that there is hardly anyone whose sexual life, if it were broadcast, would not fill the world at large with surprise and horror. ~ W. Somerset Maugham

Drag is when a man wears everything a lesbian won’t. ~ Author Unknown

If male homosexuals are called “gay,” then female homosexuals should be called “ecstatic.” ~ Shelly Roberts

My mother took me to a psychiatrist when I was fifteen because she thought I was a latent homosexual. There was nothing latent about it. ~ Amanda Bearse

It always seemed to me a bit pointless to disapprove of homosexuality. It’s like disapproving of rain…. ~ Francis Maude

The only queer people are those who don’t love anybody…. ~ Rita Mae Brown

The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn’t mean that God doesn’t love heterosexuals. It’s just that they need more supervision. ~ Lynn Lavner

Pronouns make it hard to keep our sexual orientation a secret when our co-workers ask us about our weekend. “I had a great time with… them.” Great! Now they don’t think you’re queer – just a big slut! ~Judy Carter

I get sick of listening to straight people complain about, “Well, hey, we don’t have a heterosexual-pride day, why do you need a gay-pride day?” I remember when I was a kid I’d always ask my mom: “Why don’t we have a Kid’s Day? We have a Mother’s Day and a Father’s Day, but why don’t we have a Kid’s Day?” My mom would always say, “Every day is Kid’s Day.” To all those heterosexuals that bitch about gay pride, I say the same thing: Every day is heterosexual-pride day! Can’t you people enjoy your banquet and not pee on those of us enjoying our crumbs over here in the corner? –Adam Row

Shantih Shantih Shantih
Joined in 2008
March 21, 2008, 14:08

I almost spat out my drink when I first read this, even if it is unfortunately anti-religion:

“The ongoing psychopathic hatred of same-sexuality has made the United States the laughingstock of the civilized world. In most of the First World, monotheism is weak. Where it is weak or nonexistent, private sexual behavior has nothing to do at all with those not involved, much less the law. At least when the Emperor Justinian, a Christian monotheist, decided to outlaw sodomy, he had to come up with a good practical reason, which he did. It is well known, Justinian declared, that buggery is a principal cause of earthquakes, and so must be prohibited. But our monotheists, always eager to hate, still quote Leviticus, as if that loony text had anything useful to say about anything except, perhaps, the inadvisability of eating shellfish in the Jerusalem area.”

– Gore Vidal, (The Great Unmentionable) Monotheism and its Discontents, essay

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