Hi Brunski

Happy birthday for Wed! 🙂 Glad you had a good night.

I’m wondering about the uncertainty and what that feels like for you.. BTW, you don’t have to answer that unless you want to. I meant it more as something to reflect on.

Have a great weekend.

Blessings,

Ann Maree

Hi Ann Maree,

thank you! yeah it was good until I had a seizure on my way home, did I mention that? not sure if I did, I got into a “fight” well not really a fight, just accidently bumped into some yobbos on George street here in Sydney, they were drunk and I apologised for accidently bumping into him, but he just wanted an excuse to show how mucho he was in front of his mates. He started swearing at me and pushing and shoving, I feel to the ground and tried getting up and everything spinning around and then the next thing I remember is Ambos trying to stick in needle in my arm and thousand people staring at me … so apart from that, it was a great birthday night out :~

The uncertainty is freaking me out lol but its just another thing I need to work through.

Thanks hope you have a great weekend also.

Blessings,

Brunski

That is terrible Brunski, so glad you are ok. Don’t let them have the satisfaction of bringing you down, you showed you were a better person than them.

Along Ann Marie’s line of questioning, again don’t answer just for you to ponder, I’m wondering if you are projecting your own feeling of insecurities, self esteem and self worth about yourself onto the relationship. When we don’t love ourselves it can be hard to accept others’ love for us, with no conditions, just for who we are.

I’m sure you will work it out, one step at a time.

God Bless

Yes, Mother Hen, I am probably protecting myself from my own insecurities and self-esteem. I am “pretty sure” Tom loves me, but I cant help but wonder, if he was a resident of Australia, then Im sure things would be different (well at least I think they would be) its the whole, “is he just using me to get residency ?” thing, “will he still love me (assuming he really does) if I cant sponsor him?” and if he does and if I do manage to sponsor him, “am I really ready for a relationship? wouldn’t that mean having to come out to “everyone” and what if being gay is an abomination, what if I have been lead stray by “false teachers” and “wolves in sheep’s clothing” those who claim its okay to be gay and Christian?

And even if it is okay to be gay and Christian, am I ready for a relationship? I guess only I can answer that. If only I was out, life would probably be a lot easier well, maybe not because the vast majority of my Christian friends and more importantly, my family wouldnt accept it. I can hear my mother already, “you have given into Satan!” or “your demon possessed, you have a demon of perversion and a demon of homosexuality within you!” Then there is my dad (old school, Italian “catholic”) he would be yelling at the top of his lungs “you are a disgrace to the family” I remember attempting to come to him when he caught me looking at gay porn and that was his precise words, he went on to say that if I am he wants nothing to do with me … but why the hell do I care anyway? Im not a kid anymore :~ or perhaps, deep down I still am.

Sorry, these have been LONG post’s :O

Hi Brunski

Thanks for your reply.

The thing that concerns me is that Tom is expecting a lot of you by sponsoring him. I mean, it’s a big thing to ask of anyone but especially in this case when you’re not out, you’re uncomfortable with your sexuality, inexperienced in relationships, not used to living with others and haven’t known him long. And given your history of attracting guys who have used you, I’d be very wary. Remember it’s not your job to rescue this guy or anyone else.. And what do you suppose would happen if you didn’t sponsor Tom, and are you afraid to find out? If so, that might tell you that his motives are to stay in the country rather than solely being with you.

I hope you don’t misunderstand: I’m not suggesting he’s a bad person or that he doesn’t care for you. And the age gap may signify he’s looking for a father figure or someone to look after him. That might make you feel even more pulled into rescuing him or it might make you feel needed in the short term but resentful in the long term. It’s worth considering what keeps you in this situation. I imagine it’s nice to hear the compliments Tom gives you and I’m sure they’re true. So there’s a pay off for you. And perhaps he’s not interested in your money (or lack thereof) but that doesn’t mean he’s not trying to find a way to stay in the country.

I wonder If he found another way to stay in Australia whether you would still be together.. It sounds like you have already pondered that yourself, judging by your response to Mother Hen where you say: “if he was a resident of Australia, then I’m sure things would be different”.

I hope you don’t mind my thoughts on this and please disregard them if you think they don’t apply. Of course I could be wrong since I don’t know Tom and am not in your situation.

One way or another, I believe you’ll work it out in the end though.

Blessings,

Ann Maree